John Duffy - The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens
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Teenagers are left feeling unheard and misunderstood, and parents are left feeling bewildered by the changes in their child at adolescence and their sudden lack of effectiveness as parents. The parent has become unavailable, the teen responds in kind, and a negative, often destructive cycle of communication begins. Well, the truth of the matter is, you can physically be right next to someone and still not really be available to them. If you need them to be something theyre not, if you are harsh, criticizing and judging, if your anxiety is center stage, then you are not truly available. The available parent of a teenager is open to discussion, offering advice and problem-solving, but not insisting on it. He allows his child to make some mistakes, setting limits, primarily where health and safety are concerned. He never lectures he is available but not controlling. The available parent is self-aware, and keeps his own emotions in check when dealing with his teen. He is unconditionally loving and accepting, and open to new and different ways of thinking. As such, he is neither cruel nor dismissive, ever. The available parent is fun and funny, and can bring levity to the most stressful situation. All of that is to say, there are no conditions to his availability it is absolute. The available parent fosters an extraordinary teenager. We have a tendency today to over-parent, micro-manage, and under-appreciate our adolescents. Imagine for a moment shifting the dynamic in your relationship. If you can get there as a parent, you can begin to enjoy a healthy, satisfying, exciting new kind of relationship with your teenager, a relationship with a foundation not of fear, but of radical optimism. Dr. John Duffys The Available Parent is a revolutionary approach to taking care of teens and tweens. And we can all breathe easier as a thirteenth birthday approaches.
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Table of Contents
Advance Praise for The Available Parent
Dr. John Duffys fresh new concept of availability in parenting is an idea that meets the moment. With the pace of society constantly accelerating, we need The Available Parent now more than ever! Dr. Johns writing is smart, approachable and right on the mark. His blend of practical ideas and colorful examples delivers great insights. Most importantly, I am a better parent thanks to this book.
Eric Langshur, coauthor of We Carry Each Other
Dr. Duffy provides a clear, straightforward, doable answer for parents: Stay in touch! Research clearly shows that an open, friendly parent-teen relationship is a major factor in protecting kids from harm. The age-old question for parents of teens has always been: How do I relate to these new kids of minehow should I manage them? The Available Parent provides a clear blueprint for a practical and effective response: Manage the problems you have to, but above all else, stay in touch!
Dr. Thomas W. Phelan, author of 1-2-3 Magic and Surviving Your Adolescents
Every parent of a child or teen will benefit from keeping this wise book on their night stand. Its likely they will want it handy to read over and over again.
Judy Ford, author of Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other and Wonderful Ways to Love a Child
I couldnt put The Available Parent down because I found my inner voice kept saying Yeah, thats right! or Oh, dang, I wish I had known that when my girls were teens. When I finished reading, I called my two daughters, now in their twenties, and asked them if my husband and I were Available Parents. They both reassured me that we wereand still are. Johns a brilliant writer with keen intuition into how kids think and how parents can, sometimes unknowingly, sabotage their relationship. John has used his vast experience to provide parents with the inside dope into how kids view their lives, and what they really need from their parents to make the leap into becoming mentally healthy young adults. Best of all, John relays their amazing stories of growth in smooth, witty, and helpful prose. Any parent with a childno matter what the ageshould read and learn from this book.
Eileen Norris, contributing writer and editor
of the bestselling You: The Smart Patient
by Drs. Mehmet Oz and Mike Roizen
of the bestselling You: The Smart Patient
by Drs. Mehmet Oz and Mike Roizen
What a true gift. This outstanding book truly gives you a blueprint to fully be available to your teen son or daughter. You will marvel at your teens sense of competence, can-do attitude, and improved self-esteem. Teens and parents are both resilient; with the tools provided in the remarkable book The Available Parent, you and your teenager can both enjoy your new and improved relationship.
Dr. Kate Smart Mursau, coauthor of Smart Parenting: How to Raise Happy, Can-Do Kids
Every parent who wants to give it their best shot in working with, and not in opposition to, their teen, needs to check in with Dr. John Duffy, and apply his Available Parent strategy. As a professional journalist, author, and mom of three teens who writes about parenting, I was so glad to have found Dr. Duffy in time to give me the tools to quickly understand what it means to be an available parent. To my surprise and delight, as I intentionally make myself more available as a mom, my teens are now purposefully reaching out to engage with me! Dr. Duffy is a trusted guide and cool guy. He truly cares and is all about helping parents and their children find the bright light in each other. He helped to open a whole new channel of communication for me with my teens, and allowed me to appreciate their uniqueness and focus on that, instead of the moments that challenge.
Mary Beth Sammons, coauthor of the bestselling
Living Life as a Thank You and The Courage Companion
as well as author of Second Acts That Change Lives
Living Life as a Thank You and The Courage Companion
as well as author of Second Acts That Change Lives
John Duffy has written one of the most eye-opening parenting books around, an inspiring, important tool for all parents. From his expertise and experience working with teens, John gives us the key ingredient for a healthy, successful parent-teen relationship being The Available Parent. What a simple yet profound title, and what a rude awakening for me! John masterfully defines available parenting and helps parents stop the unhealthy dance with their kids. He gives excellent insight, advice and approaches to become the effective parent we desire to be. And throughout the book, he uses real-life excerpts from teens discussing their issues so parents can understand what is really going on in their world. This is a must-read and is essential to building a healthy relationship with your teen.
Megan Walls, CEC, ACC, founder of Conscious Connections Coaching
To my son, George
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This project has been quite a journey, and I have not traveled alone. My deep gratitude goes out to:
Brenda Knight and the editing and marketing teams at Viva Editions, for their tireless work and professionalism in bringing this book to light.
Eileen Norris, my editor, whose guidance and enthusiasm early in this process were an enormous gift.
Fauzia Burke and the team at FSB Associates, for their care and guidance, and for bringing humanity and clarity to the process of publicity.
My agent, Kristina Holmes at Ebeling and Associates, for her faith in and energy for this project.
Dr. Thomas Phelan and Mary Beth Sammons, the most generous and gracious of mentors.
Michael Hainey and Andrew Santella for their guidance, friendship, and support.
Father John Cusick for his lifelong inspiration.
My mom for her strength, and my dad for his integrity and his laugh.
All my friends who lent their expertise, support, and stories, especially Eric Langshur, Liz Flock, Ilene and Mark Collins, Mary Lukens, Dave Burdick, Kate Smart Mursau, Susan Raycroft, Marcy Larson, Matt Nalbach, George and Mary Carroll Dougherty, and Bob and Lori Donahoe.
Marcy and Marty Dunne, and Jaci and Tony Uhrick, for opening their beautiful homes for the cause.
I owe the largest debt of gratitude to my awesome wife, Julie. You walked with me, patiently and supportively, through every step of this process, and you are the ultimate editor, marketer, and champion. Ive learned more about availability from you than any other person.
Finally, my deepest gratitude to all of the teens, tweens, and parents who have allowed me into their worlds. There is simply no book here without you.
FOREWORD
Suddenly, it seems, you are the parent of a teenager. Its a role you have looked forward to for several years with a good deal of concern and apprehension. And sure enough, now that the job is upon you, you realize it is a different world! Your formerly friendly son now seems more sullen, moody, and distant. Over the last few months your daughter has apparently come to believe that her parents are out of touch with reality. Where are these kids coming from?
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