Ginni Mansberg - The New Teen Age: How to support todays tweens and teens to become healthy, happy adults

Published in 2021 by Murdoch Books, an imprint of Allen & Unwin Copyright Ginni Mansberg and Jo Lamble

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For Sam, David, Jade, Harry and Savannah

Thank you for continuing to teach us how to parent and how to love unconditionally.

How old are your kids? Thirteen and 15? Hows that going? Surviving? If youre the parent of a pre-teen and your heart skips a beat every time you think about what lies ahead in the coming years, youre not alone. If you already have teens and are finding the experience a little excruciating, thats almost the norm. Society perceives our teens to be challenging. And their parents are so often full of fear. In the age of digital media and 24-hour devices, parents worry that their teenager will go off the rails. They fear that they wont get through school and find a job and a partner. These poor parents hang their heads in shame as they share with us, their healthcare professionals, the terrible job they think theyre doing. They blame themselves for everything that isnt perfect in their teens world.

How did we get to this point? Why are so many parents feeling like failures, and feeling so alone in it? With so many experts out there telling us what to do and what not to do much of the advice conflicting how do we know where to turn and who to trust? Why are our teens seen as so vulnerable, teetering on the verge of failure? Todays teens are our future leaders, our carers and our fellow citizens. And they are just fantastic. So many are passionate, articulate, broadminded, creative, diverse and inclusive.

We noticed a gaping hole when it came to a complete guide to parenting teenagers in the modern age. There was clearly a need for a resource that was not judgemental, but supported parents. Its time to celebrate our teens and get their parents fist-pumping for this exciting time as they see their once innocent tiny babies stand up proudly as confident, competent adults in our society.

Anne Hollonds, the National Childrens Commissioner and former Director of the Australian Institute of Family Studies, says that a common mistake for parents of adolescents is to underestimate their own influence. She believes parents think: I dont matter to them. They only listen to their friends. They wont listen to me. And then the parents withdraw, just when they are needed most.

Research carried out by the Institute found that 1415-year-olds said they turned to their family first. Anne believes that parents these days think they need to be teachers and lecturers and so need to know everything about everything, when, in fact, they just need to be Mum or Dad. The relationship is the primary thing, not what you teach them and not the rules that you try to set in place.

Adolescence is a time of transition. Biologically, teens are driven to forge their own identities and values. As they should. So, where do we parents fit in?

When our children are born we are the managing directors of their lives, as well as the treasurers, chief operating officers, cleaners and event coordinators. But, inherent in our job description as parents is a scheduled redundancy. As time goes on, we gradually welcome that voluntary retrenchment and transition off the management team into a consultancy role. We might offer sage advice and guidance when asked, but otherwise we leave the running of their lives to them.

This is a hard transition especially for those of us who like to be in control. But it is essential that we pass the competency baton on to our future adult children.

According to Dr Sue Morris, psychology lecturer at the University of New South Wales, there are four things your child will need to develop to become a competent adult:

1 Critical and creative thinking skills.

2 Collaboration skills being able to work as part of a team even in difficult situations.

3 Communication skills.

4 Emotional intelligence, which incorporates being able to connect and empathise with others.

Youll notice that goals such as being on the A team for football, getting 100 per cent in an exam or being celibate dont figure in that list. Nor do having a thigh gap, being a prefect or being in the popular crowd at school. In todays social media-driven world, many of us parents can get caught up in unwittingly creating a brand for our child and then reinforcing that brand to everyone around us.

But, rather than helping your teen with their maths, youd be better off helping them to work out how to get help for themselves if its a topic they dont understand. Instead of banning your teen from social media, youd be better off helping them use this tool to hone their connection to others, their sense of empathy and their communication skills. Instead of driving them around to various after-school activities, youd be better off having a family dinner and encouraging them to share their perspectives on world events.

If things have become mired in negativity at home, if you are feeling that your once-adorable baby has turned into someone you dont much like, step one is to rekindle the love.

Remember when they were born? You probably held that little one in your arms and felt a pang of love so intense it almost terrified you. Remember times when they curled up sleepily in your arms, put their little hands around your neck and looked at you with such adoring eyes? Its the same kid in there. We are yet to meet a parent who doesnt (although its sometimes deep down) love their teen to pieces and want what is best for them. We might have different ideas on what will bring them happiness and competence, but what unites us all is a desire for our kids to thrive.

Your teenager can be a quixotic mix of emotions and behaviour. One minute theyre fiercely independent and pushing you away, the next theyre as needy as a tiny baby. They might say things that will utterly shock you and then come up with the most profound insight. Parents need to strap themselves in and prepare for the ride. Our aim in writing this book is to arm you with facts, help you navigate the ride and even enjoy it.