Lovecraft - Satans Advice for the New Parent

Satans

Advice for the

New Parent

Edited by,

Aleister Lovecraft

2015 Aleister Lovecraft, Esq.

Cover and interior illustrations modified by the editor from public domain images obtained from the Flickr stream of the British Library.

ISBN-13: 978-1508786177

ISBN-10: 1508786178

Disclaimer: Satan is not a medical doctor. This book contains only opinions of the Prince of Darkness and should not be construed as medical advice. Please see your healthcare provider for answers to your health-related questions.

Do not reproduce any portion of this book without permission, other than for brief excerpts used for review purposes.

If you enjoyed this book, please leave a review where you bought it. Satan will be most pleased.

Stop by the blog at satansadvice.tumblr.com .

To Life.

T hose of you who read Satans Advice to Young Lawyers know that I owe my success as an attorney to the advice I received from Satan. You also know that he has become my mentor and close confidant. I trust him implicitly.

So, when I learned that my wife was pregnant with our first child, I naturally asked Satan if he had any parenting advice. I only expected a few anecdotes and aphorisms. Instead, he told me: This is a very important stage of your life. I will think on this question and provide you with a response when I am able.

As the weeks passed and my wifes belly grew larger, I wondered if he had forgotten or had found more important things to do. I should not have worried.

About two weeks before our child was born, Satan arrived at my law office, posing as a client, which was his typical disguise. He brought with him a small manuscript bound neatly in a red clasp folder.

Here, he said, thrusting the folder towards me.

I reached out and took it. On the cover, written in thick black cursive, were the words: Advice for the New Parent.

I put the folder down on my desk. Thank you, I said.

He sat down in a leather chair, the cushions compressing under his weight. When you asked me for parenting advice, I was not sure how I was going to respond. It was, believe it or not, a novel inquiry.

I will read it tonight.

Good, he said. Be sure to share it with your wife. Parenting is much easier when it is a team effort.

I nodded.

Have you thought of a name for your boy?

I was momentarily surprised he knew it was going to be a boy, but then remembered who was sitting in the chair across from me. No. Id name him after you, but that might raise a few too many eyebrows.

He laughed. I appreciate the sentiment, Aleister, but I believe you are correct.

Maybe Henry or Joseph. We like traditional names.

He interlaced his fingers, resting his chin on them. He looked sad. I too like them best. Put Gabriel in the mix, why dont you? I have always liked that name.

Of course, I will mention it to my wife tonight.

Good, he said, standing up quickly. I must go now.

I stood too. No time for a drink? I have some of that Scotch you like.

I appreciate it, he said. But, I fear I am called away on an urgent matter.

I understand. Thank you for the advice, I said, gesturing at the folder on my desk.

He looked at me with kind eyes, a kindness I suppose few who meet him ever have the privilege of seeing. You will be a good parent, Aleister. I do not plan on meeting your children in the afterlife.

A chill ran down my spine. I hope you are right.

He smiled, opened the door and left the office.

That same evening, I read the advice. It was cogent and concise. There was no attempt at political correctness, only truth based on thousands of years of observation and practice. This was better than any of those four hundred-page baby advice tomes.

The next day, I gave it to my wife to read. I told her I found it in an antique shop. She was skeptical at first, but the certainty of the words won her over.

Our first child, Gabriel, is now two years old, and Satans advice has served us well. Our boy may not always act like his namesake, but we can tell he is growing to be a confident boy who we hope will be a confident man.

My wife is pregnant again with a girl, due in three months as I write this. We have not chosen a name yet, but are leaning towards Mary. In anticipation of her birth, I went through my files looking for Satans Advice for the New Parent so that I could re-read it.

It struck me that this advice should be shared with all parents. It makes the unknown road ahead much less frightening.

With Satans blessing, I now offer you an unabridged version of his parenting advice.

No strings attached.

Aleister Lovecraft

San Francisco, February 2015

W hen Aleister asked permission to publish my parenting advice, I granted it on the condition that I could write this brief introduction.

I recall feeling honored when Aleister asked me for parenting advice. After watching his career as an attorney blossom by following my advice in that area of his life, I knew that he would pay attention to what I have to say.

Aleisters request was, in fact, the first time anyone has ever thought to ask me for parenting advice. It strikes me as strange that there have been no prior requests, as who better than I to tell of lives gone awry and how those lives might have been saved?

I cannot, of course, blame every misguided life on bad parenting; there are simply too many variables in the world for such a simplistic explanation to be reliable. Nevertheless, I do blame a majority of wasted lives on parental missteps.

For those of you who may be skeptical, I want to make it clear that I do have the best interests of your children at heart. I do not want any more residents of my infernal prison. If there were no need for a keeper (and punisher) of lost souls, then I would be freed to return to my place in heaven with the rest of the angels, at the side of God.

I hope you will take this advice to heart and consider what I have to say very carefully. Your childs fate depends on it.

T here is one simple thing you can do as a parent that will take care of ninety percent of parenting mistakes: Offer your child your unconditional love.

It sounds simple when I say it, but most people are simply incapable of unconditional love. That is why I have no shortage of guests in my abode.

In contrast, conditional love is just about the easiest thing a parent can offer a child. We love anything that makes us happy or satisfies some inner need. It is effortless to love a child when he is obedient or when she draws you a beautiful picture.

But, what about the child who screams at you, who disappoints you, who tells you in no uncertain terms that he hates you? It was your choice to create a life and bring it into the world. Your obligation to that life is unending allegiance and unconditional love. No. Matter. What.

Why?

Humans have a need for security. Without security, they develop all manner of neuroses and violent behaviors. They lash out at the world that seeks to hurt or destroy them. They suspect enemies where there are none. They become deformed in all possible ways and are incapable of reaching even ten percent of their potential.

Unconditional love gives your child a place of security. It allows your child to experience the world knowing that he can always return to you for support and regeneration. The world is a harsh place, filled with predators, violence and foolishness. Your child will get hurt emotionally more often than physically over and over again, but if he can come to you and receive love, he will survive the injury and recover even stronger.

This means that you will have to love your child in circumstances where the rest of the world finds your child to be unlovable.