Justin Coulson - 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know

First published in Australia in 2018

by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited

ABN 36 009 913 517

harpercollins.com.au

Copyright Justin Coulson 2018

The right of Justin Coulson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.

This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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ISBN 978 07 3333 8724 (paperback)

ISBN 978 1 460708 996 (ePub)

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia

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Cover image by Lea Csontos /stocksy.com /633982

Internal design by Darren Holt, HarperCollins Design Studio

For every parent who has

wanted to be better

In the stories shared in this book, names and other details have been altered to protect the privacy of individuals, with the exceptions of those when permission was granted to use real names and examples drawn from my own family.

After his first child became a toddler, JUSTIN COULSON realised he wasnt the dad he wanted to be. To learn more about parenting, he quit a successful radio broadcasting career and started studying, eventually completing a PhD in Positive Psychology and Parenting. Justin is an honorary fellow at the Centre for Positive Psychology at the University of Melbourne.

Justin lives with his wife and six daughters in Brisbane, Queensland, and travels Australia constantly, giving talks to parents, teachers and professionals. He is the author of 21 Days to a Happier Family and 9 Ways to a Resilient Child.

Visit www.happyfamilies.com.au

Parenting today in our consumer-driven, fast-paced digital world has become clouded with stress and confusion. As a parenting author and educator, I am aware of the things that worry parents from taming toddler tantrums to how do I get my kids to sleep and is this normal?.

In a way, there is too much information, often simply a click away, which means parents can become even more confused when they are looking for guidance to navigate common parenting dilemmas. Then theres the massive footprint of social media, where images of perfect family moments abound. In real life, there is no perfect and good enough, imperfect parenting can still raise children into compassionate, effective adults who live meaningful lives. I am a proud (often imperfect) mum to four adult sons who are doing great as they now become caring husbands and devoted dads.

In 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know, Dr Justin Coulson explores some of the common areas of concern for parents everywhere. He does this in his unique, reassuring way by owning his own less-than-perfect parenting experiences, as well as exploring what research brings to the table in terms of solutions.

Justin captures parenting so well. From the disaster moments when we feel like inadequate failures, to the moments of exquisite delight when our hearts could break open with the love pulsing through them.

In a way, every parent is making it up as they go along and hoping they dont muck up their kids. I also firmly believe every parent is doing the best they can with what theyve got. There are times that we may seek more wisdom because we feel we could do better. When we find well-informed parenting educators who can advise us without making us feel worse, thats fabulous. Justin is one of those passionate educators.

This book will help parents feel more confident in the daily and weekly decisions they make in their homes while learning what matters most in childrens lives. Justin and I share a passion for helping parents enjoy this unpredictable journey more by focusing on loving our children ferociously and unconditionally. This means consciously making memories that matter and actively seeking joy and laughter because homes in which these are a priority will be safer, happier homes for everyone.

Maggie Dent

Author and parenting and resilience specialist

Confession: I struggle as a parent.

The day I had to tell one of my young children to take her feet off her food, I knew this was going to be tougher than I had imagined.

As Im the parenting expert, you probably want some assurance that my kids are perfect. Theyre not. Theyre kids, not robots.

And I know that you probably hoped I had my stuff together. You need me to know what Im talking about. Well... I do, but its still hard to get it right all the time. Sometimes its hard to get it right at all. If youre a parent, you know what I mean.

Before Kylie and I had children, I thought it would be easy enough to have kids. Be clear. Be consistent. Be the parent. How hard could it be? On more than one occasion I may have seen parents struggling with their children and made suggestions to them on how they might do it better. My input earned me some stares that looked hostile. Even violent! Those parents never actually hit me when I shared my ideas on how they could parent better, but... if looks could kill! Im pretty sure that there were times they really came close!

And then the day arrived. Kylie and I decided we no longer wanted to sleep in, disappear for a weekend whenever we felt like it, or enjoy quiet evenings in cafs or restaurants. We didnt want to live in a clean house any more. And we had tired of being able to simply get in the car and go somewhere spontaneously just for the fun of it. We wanted children! We wanted it to take 45 minutes to get everyone into the car, only to have to stop three minutes into the trip because someone wanted to go to the toilet! We wanted to share our bed with a contortionist who believed that a queen-sized mattress was only big enough for one person, aged two and a bit. We wanted to be wanted by someone so badly that we would hear our names screamed into our ears over a hundred times before 7 am.

When our firstborn was three I discovered that parenting is like eating with chopsticks: it looks pretty simple until you try, but if youre not careful, its easy to fail and make a terrible mess especially as a beginner.

The struggle was real. It was my inability to deal with my firstborn behaving like a threenager that led to me quitting a successful career as a radio announcer and going to university for nearly a decade to learn how to dad better. A psychology degree and a PhD, plus some years lecturing and researching at university, gave me the credentials. Having six children of our own gave me the experience. And it worked. For a while. But all the good rules about parenting can still leave us feeling stuck. Like I said, kids arent robots. (Neither are parents.) And consistency alone cant be the answer.

Parenting is tough. And its easy to get things wrong. I was reminded of this fact following a conflict between one of my daughters and me. Kylie pointed out that I had behaved like a child in responding to my daughters challenging behaviour and