Stephen Arterburn - Understanding and Loving Your Bonus Child

Understanding and Loving Your Bonus Child

Stephen Arterburn and Connie Clark Ph.D.

Copyright 2022 by Stephen Arterburn and Connie Clark

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All the names, characters, places, events and incidents in this book are either the product of the authors imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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ISBN: 978-1-68451-156-3

eISBN: 978-1-68451-319-2

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022938959

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From Connie

To my husband Ken

The greatest love of my life

The one who made me a bonus mom to

Casey, Kegan, and Erika

To my grandmother Rena

Who was the first to show me DNA doesnt make you family,

LOVE does

From Steve

To my bonus boys Carter and James

Who are two all-expectations-exceeded blessings in my life

It is not a secret that I was in a painful twenty-year marriage that ended when I confronted my previous wife about her unfaithfulness and she filed for divorce. There was no scandal, just a tragedy. I feared for my daughter, Madeline, who was eleven at the time. I knew the statistics about children of divorce, and I set out to make sure she was the exception, or at least do the best I could to that end. She lived with me, and we began our difficult journey together.

To provide some early hope here, Madeline was the exception. She didnt use drugs or alcohol or have sex in high school. She was accepted at Azusa Pacific University based on her character alone. She graduated with a degree in occupational therapy with highest honors. She is strong and self-sufficient and possesses very good judgment. When the time came, I officiated her wedding.

At that wedding, Madeline was stunningly beautiful. Everyone I spoke to was happy for her and Tim, and they could not say enough about how beautiful she looked. We danced to Unforgettable by Nat King Cole, as tears rolled down my cheeks. It took all I had not to break down completely from the pure joy of the moment. After a few minutes, we were interrupted: Carter wanted to cut in.

Carter is twenty-fourmy bonus son and Madelines step-brother from the blended family Misty and I put together over seventeen years ago. But to Madeline, he is simply her brother, and he wanted to honor her by being part of the dance. They talked and laughed until their brother James, my twenty-two-year-old bonus son, cut in for an all-smiles spin across the floor. That ended when the first child Misty and I had together, Solomon, fifteen, cut in because he did not want to be left out. Finally, before I stepped back in and finished the dance, our daughter Amelia, twelve, stepped in for what she called the best part of the greatest night of her life.

Throughout the evening people continued to comment on what an amazing family we have and how obvious it is that we all love each other, like being together, and were there in every way for Madeline. I am not sharing this so I can take credit for our amazing family. It could be in spite of me and more a result of my great partner, Misty. Plus, children are not robots; they make their own choices, and we are fortunate that they chose to love, accept, and enjoy each other.

Having said that, there are some principles Misty and I followed that laid a foundation for a healthy, happy, loving blended family. I will share those principles alongside Connie Clarks great work throughout the rest of this book.

It might shock you to know that when two people, each of them with children from a previous marriage, want to marry each other, it is usually a bad idea. That isnt the result of a bad attitude or negativityits just what science shows us: 70 percent of blended families fail. Knowing that fact and believing it to be true, a wise person would: 1) go slowly into marriage and 2) thoroughly prepare beforehand.

This book is a thorough resource to prepare yourself for a strong and secure marriage with a blended family. Dr. Connie Clark has done the heavy lifting for this book. I wanted to work with her on this project because, first of all, she is one of the best therapists in the New Life network of Christian counselors, coaches, therapists, and psychologists. She had tremendous respect from her peers as both a brilliant educator and an extremely effective practitioner. As you will see as you read on, she has been where you and I have been. This material is from her heart and experience, not just concepts learned from a class or a textbook. Her revealing the mistakes she made (as we all have) and what she did about them is some of the most valuable material in the book. Finally, this book is not just about raising bonus children and blending families. It is about honoring God, implementing biblical truth and principles, and integrating a strong and solid faith in all aspects of marriage and parenting. Connie is theologically sound and effective in integrating faith into the bonus parenting concepts that matter most. You can be assured as you start this book that Connies research, experience, and wisdomalong with some of my insights as a father to bonus childrenwill prepare you to parent kids who were not originally yours. To avoid confusion and make for easy reading, unless noted, the writing is in Dr. Clarks voice. It is a strong one that can be trusted.

But this is not a book just to help fathers and mothers prepare to take on a blended family. It is written to help you repair any struggle, conflict, or damage that has already been done. The tools are here to repair the deepest hurts.