Stephen Arterburn - Is This The One?: Simple Dates for Finding the Love of Your Life

What would you do in these situations?

Situation 1: A friend clues you about an investment deal that could double your money in only six months. With that kind of return you could pay off some bills, get the iPad youve been craving, and treat someone you want to impress to a great night out. Then you read the teeny-tiny print on the contract. It warns that theres a 50% chance you will lose your entire investment. Would you put your life savings into a deal like that?

I dont know about you, but I would think twice before going all in on a deal like that. It could be the same as shredding my money or throwing it away on lottery tickets. At this stage in my life the risk of loss is way too great for my blood.

Situation 2: You arrive at the airport to learn the flight youre scheduled to board has a mechanical problem. The airline assures you its not a big deal. Theres a solid 65 90% probability your flight will reach its destination safely. Would you get on that plane?

Are you kidding me? If you dont rebook your reservation on the spot and walk away from that flight, you also must love Russian roulette. Im sure not going to roll the dice with my life by getting on that beater of a jet.

Situation 3: You hear the wedding march starting inside the church. In just a few seconds you will walk to the altar and say I do to the love of your life. But as the doors open and the music swells, a strange thought goes through your head, something you heard once: For every ten couples that make a marriage commitment at the altar, one to four of them eventually un-make that commitment in a divorce court. Are you still willing to take the plunge?

If you think this risk is acceptable, welcome to the club. Every week around the world thousands upon thousands of people who would never take risks caricaturized by the first two scenarios take the same risk (about a 65 90% success rate) to say I do in hopes of achieving a happy, lifelong, divorce-proof marriage. Actually, the risk of divorce in marriage is not as great as has been commonly and mistakenly believed. The word on the street is that half of all marriages end in divorce a 50% failure rate. That urban myth, which has sparked great fear of marriage commitment, was the result of some shoddy arithmetic and even worse analysis. The real range of the divorce rate is somewhere between recent polls by Harris Interactive (12%) and George Barna (35%).

Whatever the actual percentage, it is still too high. Its not that we arent trying to keep marriages together. Yet the best efforts of those who specialize in fixing marriages therapists, counselors, authors, speakers, church leaders havent made much of a dent in the divorce rate for decades. And for all the excellent resources available for saving and enriching marriages books and video programs, sermons and seminars, classes, conferences, and campaigns the chances of avoiding divorce are not getting better.

But, Steve, those odds dont apply to me, you may argue. Im a really good and loyal person and I go to church. So when I get married, I will stay married. Divorce isnt in my vocabulary.

I hear this all the time. I agree with you. It sounds reasonable that moral or church-going people should have an advantage for lifelong, healthy, happy marriages. Great idea, but it doesnt pan out in reality. The data shows the marriages of religious and even Christian people fail at the same rate as the general marriage population.

What about marriages that are brain dead and on a ventilator but never end in divorce? The statistics dont tell us about the numbers of discontented couples who stay married instead of filing for divorce. These people are married and miserable. Yet they remain married for the sake of the kids or for the financial advantages or simply because they think its wrong to break a marriage commitment. In many cases the families of married-and-miserable couples experience just as much devastation and pain as divorced families.

Theres an old proverb that says, Marriage with peace is this worlds paradise, and I believe it. I also believe great marriages require hard work. In fact, a marriage license could be viewed as a work permit. Whats more (and if youre looking for the message of this book in a nutshell, youve found it): Marriages that last are, in great part, the product of better decision-making before couples say I do. Without this crucial front-end investment in dating and courtship, a marriage runs the risk of living out the second half of that old proverb: Marriage with strife is this worlds purgatory.

I wrote this book to show you how to beat the odds in your own journey toward a rich, fulfilling, lifelong marriage. But dont get me wrong; Im not suggesting that dating is all about finding a mate. I really hope your life is more than just a quest to get married. Dating is something you do to have fun, to get to know people, and to learn how to have fun and get to know people. Do it with that kind of attitude and along the way you just might find a great potential partner.

So whether youre dating seriously, dating casually, or not dating at all, as a single person, your odds for a great marriage are way greater than the divorce rate. Why? Because youre still single! Youre still on the dating side, where great marriages begin. Youre not mired in a miserable marriage that defies fixing. And youre not floundering in a flood of regrets over a decision you wish you had never made.

Theres an old aviation principle that applies to dating and marriage. In light of the dangers of weather and mechanical malfunction, it is far better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than to be in the air wishing you were on the ground. As an unmarried person, you are still safely on the ground. This is the time to decide whether or not the situation you are in, the person you love, and the timing of it all will create a great marriage.

Your desire for a great marriage must not start at the altar. It has to start right now, during your dating years. Now is when you will set a course either for a great marriage or for the misery and despair of divorce. In that sense, every dating book you read is an anti-divorce manual. Some of them are good, some not so good. Im confident if you implement the dating concepts you read about in this book, it will make a significant, positive difference when you marry.

How can this book help? By showing you how to date creatively and wisely, have huge amounts of fun when you date, and make a completely informed decision when you do choose someone to marry. One part of this process is what I call the Ten Date Challenge. Accepting the Challenge will equip you for a rich, enjoyable (and just plain fun) dating experience. And the Challenge will greatly increase your chance of choosing someone to marry who will help you enjoy the marriage of your dreams instead of creating a marriage nightmare.

Divorce is one of the most painful human experiences for anyone involved, and the pain seems like it will last forever. You dont want to go through a divorce to validate how torturously painful it is.

This book is about the right ways to find the love of your life and to stay happily married and divorce-free till death do us part. But its also about how to have a lot of fun along the way, experiencing someone you care about in some very unique dating situations. Before you say I do, I am hoping you will say I will a few times to yourself.