Stephen Arterburn - The Mediterranean love plan : seven secrets to lifelong passion in marriage

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ZONDERVAN

The Mediterranean Love Plan

Copyright 2017 by Steve Arterburn

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Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Epub Edition February 2017 ISBN 9780310334163

ISBN 978-0-310-33546-7 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-0-310-34871-9 (international trade paper edition)

ISBN 978-0-310-35033-0 (audio)

ISBN 978-0-310-33416-3 (ebook)

Scripture quotations marked ESV are from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version). Copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are from The Living Bible. Copyright 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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Cover design: Curt Diepenhorst

Cover photo: Mv_Jamsey/iStock

Interior design: Denise Froehlich

First printing February 2017 / Printed in the United States of America

I m a radio show host on a call-in show called NewLife Live, on which people call in to tell me and my cohosts (and the world) their private and most painful problems. Perhaps not surprisingly, most of these calls revolve around how difficult it is to be passionate about the people they love or used to love or are supposed to love (not to mention all the destructive things theyve done once their love began to fade). I also get plenty of calls from singles searching for that one perfect person who will solve all their problems, cure all their ills, and heal all their wounds (or so they wish).

Then there are hundreds who found and married the Love of Their Life and had a romantic time in which they flirted wildly or made passionate love on a whim. They may recall running along some beach, laughing, kissing, caught up in the beauty of sea and sand and each other. But then work, kids, the pressures of life, and plain old neglect took over, and what once was all a-sizzle is now starting to fizzle. Sadly, this is often the way love goes if we simply let our relationships run the natural course. However, wise couples can create conditions that keep their passion percolating. Which is why Misty and I wrote this book. We have a heart to see marriages overcome the depressing stats that say romance starts fading soon after two starry-eyed lovers say I do.

It is true, however, that the neurotransmitters of falling in love last an average of a whopping six whole months. Research has shown that once the brains supply of natural love potion runs out, the honeymoon ends. Most couples go back to focusing primarily on work, adapt to mundane routines in their newly mortgaged home, and soon morph into parents who lose sleep and somehow eventually lose touch with each other (in every meaning of that word). Then one day they wake up feeling lonelier in their marriage than they ever felt as a single person. Theyre adrift, wondering who they are, who they married, and how something so passionately promising could have turned out so painfully bland. Lifeless. Loveless. Sexless.

Without knowing how to handle the inevitable disappointments and challenges, they find that the Three Cs of miserycriticism, complaining, and comparisontend to come marching in. The changes are so extreme that the couple feel stunned. Hopelessness replaces happiness, and horrible is the only word to describe the disaster. When I see couples like this, I cant help but think of accident victims. One or both appear to be in a state of shock and in need of rescue. I call these severe cases radical flips. The husband and wife feel almost unrecognizable to each other as the marriage morphs into an emotional war zone.

But even these extreme cases are not hopeless, as long as the couple call for the right kind of help as early as possible.

Other couples dont experience a radical flip as much as they do an effortless flop. These partners settle into comfortable routines and have plain vanilla marriages that are not particularly painful but are more like business partnerships with a goal to get er done (whatever the er is on their to-do list). They are no longer a passionate couple with shared dreams of a long, happy future.

Instead theyve become detached from each others hearts, living with sad regrets and dreams that have come undone.

We love each other after all these years. Were good friends. But the spark? Romance? Flirting? A honeymoon memory that faded a long time ago.

After being up all night with a new baby, we both still get very excited about going to bed with each otherto do nothing but sleep.

In a scene from Under the Tuscan Sun, two young lovers ask for their parents blessing to marry. The girls mother, disappointed in her own marriage, urges her daughter not to saddle up for life with her poor Polish suitor. She tells her daughter that love is the stuff of fairy tales, that true love is a fantasy, implying she should look for a husband with wealth and stability instead.

But just then the old grandmother intervenes, declaring with emotion, I had a grande amorea great love! Your father. And I will never forget!

Sigh.

Is a grande amore possible in todays fast-paced Western culture? Dont most couples eventually stay together out of obligation rather than great passion? Is a lifelong love affair the stuff of days gone by or fairy tales and romance novels?

Well, it all depends.

It depends on whether you are willing to do something besides simply calling it a life and waiting out the clock. If both of you are not proactive about passion, I can guarantee that one day youll be pulling up your Depends and wondering, Where did we go wrong? When did the romance die? If, that is, you are even still together.