Stephen Arterburn - Regret-Free Living: Hope for Past Mistakes and Freedom from Unhealthy Patterns

2009 by Stephen Arterburn

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 04.16.2016 (VBN), 05.03.2019

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-0792-0

Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations identified NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.
Cover photo by Lonnie Duka Photography

To

MIKE

the man with no regrets

Contents

A s radio host of New Life Live, a daily one-hour call-in show, I can honestly say that at no other time in my life have I heard the voices of more people saturated with regret. When 9/11 occurred, President Bush announced that our world would never be the same. Well, we now must pack carry-on liquids in three-ounce containers, and to be sure, those who were injured or lost loved ones were left with deep wounds. But the rest of us? We really havent seen much change; there really hasnt been a lot of difference.

We did, however, see the world changeand change very quicklywhen the economic downturn (financial disaster) began in 2008. Many who thought they were wise or brilliant investors discovered that someone had made off with every last dollar. Some millionaires and billionaires were wiped out within a few months. Some who were ready to retire changed plans and set about to work the rest of their lives. People whod had six-figure salaries were interviewed in lines at shelters. Homes were lost, dreams were shattered, and the number of corporate greeds innocent victims swelled beyond belief.

The losses and collapses have been dramatic and agonizing; many people are steeped in regret that they hadnt seen it coming. Theyre often stunned that theyd been so presumptuous as to assume our economic growth would continue unabated. In portfolios, regrets replaced assets. If only has become a mantra for those reliving so many less-than-informed decisions.

For others, the regret path theyre walking is not financial but relational. Betrayal, divorce, and all sorts of untreated addictions leave both victim and perpetrator full of regret over the choices theyve made.

The Bible tells the story of Esau selling his birthright to Jacob for a mere bowl of soup. According to Hebrews 12, no matter how bad Esau later felt about that deal, no matter how many bitter tears of regret he shed, there was nothing he could do to change what hed done. Imagine the pain he must have felt, looking back on his terrible swap.

If Esau hadnt been out of control, he would have never offered such a phenomenal bargain. He was controlled by his appetite and desire for immediate relief. And while he looks foolish today, hes no different from the many millions who have walked in his I want/need it now shoes.

Most who have struggled with eating disorders can relate to Esau. Those addicted to drugs, who become willing to do anything for relief from withdrawal, understand him. Anyone whos destroyed a marriage over desire for hours with Internet porn knows how Esau could get himself in such a mess.

I certainly know how Esau felt. I know what its like to obtain instant relief and then discover only a life filled with shameful regret and sorrow, to wake up realizing what a mistake Ive madeand knowing that no matter how much regret I feel, theres nothing I can do to make it right.

However, I discovered a way out of shame and regret. Im not living burdened every day with something God does not want me to carry. I dont wake up every morning thinking God is whispering in my ear, Okay, Steve, get out there and serve meand dontforget those horrid, embarrassing choices you made or any of the otherstupid things youve done since.

Im thankful and amazed that God no longer remembers my sins (see Hebrews 10:17; Jeremiah 31:34).

But before we go further, let me tell you how the most regret-table decision of my life unfolded.

The sad truth (and Ive mentioned this before in other books) is that I talked a girlfriend whom I got pregnant into ending the life of our unborn child. I did that because I was selfish. I didnt want anything as life-altering as parenthood to interfere with all my big plans.

Though I hesitate to speak for her, I suppose at heart my girlfriend agreed to the abortion for the same kinds of reasons so many women take that final, irreversible step: She was confused, scared, and unwilling or unprepared to take on the responsibility of a new life. And perhaps worst of all, she was listening and responding to pressure from me.

What I was thinking about most was myself. Id convinced myself that if I was free to be my own man, I could really make something of my life. I wasnt paying attention to what God wanted for my girlfriend, for me, or for the baby inside of her. I was singing the ugliest song a person can sing: Me! Me! Me!

It wasnt long after our pregnancy was terminated that I sat alone in my bedroom, hung my head, and cried. Id finally realized the severity and finality of what I had done. I knew I had taken the life of my childour child, Gods childand that this was terribly wrong. It was a pain as deep as any Ive ever felt. That pain and my secretive response to it led to major health problems (including ulcers) with life-threatening severity.

After several months of suffering, I opened up to my parents and a few others about the abortion. They all treated me lovingly and consolingly, but their shock and anger leaked through their nice words.

Regret from irreversible choices and consequences would become a familiar companion of mine for years to come. Eventually I would try to make it right with the mother of my unborn child, asking for her forgiveness for my selfishness and forcefulness.

She said she forgave me.

But her forgiveness was not enough.

I needed Gods forgiveness.

I needed to feel his forgiveness.

And I needed to find some way to forgive myself.

But I couldnt forgive myself. So I continued my detached journey of waking up and then starting, enduring, and ending my day full of inconsolable regret. My shameful ruminations often cut off any meaningful connection with others. I was convinced that I would regret what I had done to my baby every single day for the rest of my life.

As the months and even years passed, I continued to ask myself what, if anything, I could do to relieve myself of regret for the wrong I had done. This nagging question haunted everything I did. I knew God always forgives because of the work of his Son, Jesus Christ, on the crossbut that his forgiveness could be for me, and could extend to this act, was beyond my comprehension. I felt I had gone too far, had committed something beyond Gods grace. And to forgive myself without knowing and feeling that God forgave me would be impossible.