Ronald A. Kotkin - The Parent-Child Dance: Strategies and Techniques for Staying One Step Ahead

Copyright 2015 by Ronald A. Kotkin and Aubrey H. Fine

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Laura Klynstra

Print ISBN: 978-1-63220-294-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63220-882-8

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Dedication

Ron

I dedicate this book to Ret whose love, support, patience, and feedback helped me to complete this book. I also dedicate this book to Carlos, Erin, and their incredible daughter, Ellie. Their commitment to Ellie is what this book is about.

Aubrey

I dedicate this book to my wife and partner, Nya, who has blessed my life for close to forty years. You have made parenting together a true joy.

I also dedicate this book to my boys, Sean and Corey, who have allowed me to feel and live the true essence of being a Dad. You have made me realize how lucky I am to have had this life experience.

Finally I dedicate this book to all the parents who I have had the pleasure to work with over the years. I am honored to have been of support to you and your children.

Acknowledgements

Borrowing from the phrase It takes a village to raise a child, this book would not have come to fruition without the help and support of many. The following are several people that we would like to recognize and thank.

We are very grateful to Alexandra Hess and Joseph Sverchek and the staff at Skyhorse Publishing for stewarding this book and helping us to bring it to completion.

We are indebted to the following people for their support in gathering some of the research for this book that we utilized: Julia Gimeno, Joanna Cole, Katie Weimerslage, Laurie Bailon, Christine Delman, Melissa Bladh, and Alexandria Martinez.

The authors would like to thank Krista Trapani for her efforts in graphically designing the Backpack of Resilience in . We would also like to thank Clara Kramer for her help in suggesting a graphic design for the cover of the book. We truly appreciated your professionalism and creativity. Over the course of the past year, several people read earlier drafts of the various chapters and provided input and editorial comments. We are sincerely indebted to all of these individuals for their suggestions:

Rudi Gomez, Stephen Davis, Dale Salwak, Charles R. Kotkin, Christine Bowers, Clara Cramer, Julia Gimeno, Teal Mackintosh, Pam Seggerman, John Ugaldie, Susan Siaw, Sue Keir, John Brady, Chris Loidolt, Loretta Kotkin, Nya Fine, and Tera Bernard.

Foreword

My daughter spent the first five weeks of her life outside the womb in the NICUthe Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. She arrived almost exactly two months to the day before her due date. She was doing things her way, disregarding what others expected of her. My wife and I were in shock seeing her so soon, so early. My daughter was raring to go, breathing on her own, kicking back in her incubator. She was the tiniest human Id ever seen, despite the fact that the NICU staff told us she was big for her agea whopping four pounds. My wife and I stood on each side of the incubator, staring down at our daughter in awe. I made the formal introductions, whispering to her, Were your parents, kid. She smiled. This wasnt my imagination. My wife saw it too. It was probably gas. Her mother is convinced she understood. It had to have been gas.

My daughters independent streak continued in the hospital as she routinely pulled off whatever wires were connected to her, growled with annoyance at diaper changes, and otherwise let it be known when her needs or desires were not being met. When we finally brought her home, we were suddenly on our own, without a professional staff to step in and care for our daughter 24/7. As stressful as it was to visit the hospital on a daily basis, my wife and I joked that we had the best babysitters anyone could possibly ask for. And then we didnt.

Having our daughter home was wonderful, but there were growing pains. I had never spent much time around children, much less an infantmuch less my own child (this was my first). My wife stayed at home for two months. As the day of her return to work neared, I genuinely wondered aloud who was going to take care of our daughter. It should not have come as a surprise, though it did, when my wife responded, You.

I did not have a 9 to 5 job; I did my work at home and could set my own hourswhich meant I was automatically bestowed the title of Stay-At-Home Dad. Suddenly, it was just me and the kidthe two of us getting to know each other. My daughter did not come with a manual. Consequently, my role as a father came with a lot of on-the-job training. Her disapproval of diaper changes continued at home. She would cry and yell and generally protest whenever I set her down on the changing table. After a while, I began to discern her crieswhich ones were real and which were fake. Her cries on the changing table were always fake. One time, when she was putting particular gusto into her performance during a diaper change, I matter-of-factly told her, I know youre faking it. Amazingly, she immediately stopped crying. Or perhaps not so amazingly. Maybe she realized her tactics were futile in this particular instance and decided to conserve her energy.

One thing that happens when you become a parent is you begin to spend more time with other parents and less time with your single friends who are eager to tell you about the cutest thing their dog did that day. As my wife and I visited with other friends who were parents, along with their children, we found ourselves swapping war stories. One friend told us of his seemingly angelic two-year-old son who threw a tantrum while sitting in his high chair. He simply did not want to continue eating his meal. His father attempted to strike a deal with him. One more bite and you can get down. This did not suffice. His son began kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs. Thats when his mom rushed into the room and immediately removed him from the high chair, placing him on the floor.

The boy turned to his father and with a victorious smile said, One more bite. Get down. Ive come to the conclusion that babies, toddlers, and children know everything. At least they know everything in terms of how to deal with big people. Meanwhile, the big people are often left to fumble in the dark, haplessly attempting to determine whether those cries are legitimate or downright manipulation. Its not just the crying. Its everything. Every waking moment a child is assessing how much leeway they have in any given situation. The parent-child relationship is definitely a dance. Each participant is doing their best to determine what the others next move is going to be.