Lisa Sugarman - How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids and Be OK with It: Real Tips & Strategies for Parents of Todays Gen Z Kids

HOW TO
RAISE

Perfectly

IMPERFECT
KIDS

AND BE OK WITH IT!

Copyright 2019 by Lisa Sugarman

All rights reserved.

Published by Familius LLC, www.familius.com

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Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

2019903707

ISBN 9781641701617

EbookISBN 9781641702485

Printed in the United States of America

Edited by Michele Robbins, Peg Sandkam, and Alison Strobel

Cover design by Derek George

Book design by Maggie Wickes

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition

... because lifes not a straight line and neither is parenthood.

To my SugarpeopleDave, Riley, and Libbythe most perfectly imperfect family I know. Thank you for putting up with my crazy for all these years. I couldnt love you more if I tried.

Lisa Sugarman

To the Ganz Gang; Wally, Jake, Ben, and Adam: you are the reason I smile in the morning, have happiness all day, and feel satisfied each night.

Debra Fox Gansenberg, MSW, LICSW

Contents

Foreword

Lisa Heffernan

Co-founder of Grown & Flown and New York Times Bestselling Author

As the cofounder of a large parenting site and community, I read parenting advice for a living. It is a job I love because, for so long, I believed I could become a perfect parent if I just studied hard enough. For years, I have written and read articles seeking the answer so many of us look for: how to become the very best parents we can be. But reading through thousands of essays on how to reach this goal, I am struck by a few things. Much of the advice is tired, recycled versions of just try your best, and while this is certainly valid, it doesnt leave the reader with more insight than she had when she started reading. Sometimes it is clich, full of pat phrases that sound more like a meme than usable advice. And, sadly, most of it is not funny. And then there is Lisa Sugarman.

Reading Lisa is like sitting down with that older, wiser sister you may or may not have in real life. It is like having a glass of wine and a long thoughtful parent-to-parent talk with the friend who is a step ahead of you with her own kids. It is a reminder that perfection is an impossible goal and that falling short, even sometimes painfully short, we are still good parents.

Lisa thinks deeply and shares generously and honestly. I stumbled upon her on Facebook. She had written an essay about her second daughter learning to drive. Handing the car keys to your child is a moment of excitement and trepidation in any family. We worry about our teens safety and what their newfound independence will bring. But Lisa cut below those levels to the ambivalence of parenting and its central tenet, which is that so many of our most joyous moments are laced through with a touch of sadness. Even as we feel joy and pride, the moment we watch our kid drive themselves away from us or drop our kids off at kindergarten or college, there is a tinge of bittersweet.

I immediately reached out to Lisa. She insisted we speak by phone, something the rest of us seem to have forgotten how to do, and, in that first conversation, I could see why she had garnered a loyal national audience. Soon we began to publish her on Grown and Flown, and I saw how audiences of all kinds reacted to her honesty and humor. She knows parents want to hear the truth as if you were drinking coffee together at her kitchen table. When she shares with our readers her own missteps, we go easier on ourselves. When she laughs at herself, we can do the same.

The gift Lisa gives to parents is permission take the pressure off. Its a lesson we cannot hear too often. So many of us live in highly competitive areas where sports, school, and almost every aspect of our lives can begin to seem like a contest. We feel the pressure acutely, and, although it may not be our intention, we foist that pressure onto our kids.

Lisa is the perfect antidote to the age of overly serious parenting when, as parents, we fear any small mistake will alter the trajectory of our kids lives, and we unknowingly convey our anxiety onto our kids. She reminds us that life is never perfect, parenting is always flawed, but laughing and sharing love is the closest we will get. It seems simple, but in fact, in our overcharged highly competitive age, it is wisdom.

In How To Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids ... And Be OK with It, Lisa looks at some of the most intractable challenges of parenting. When she describes needing to discipline her daughter on a special trip to the American Girl store in New York, your heart will break right alongside hers. But she reminds us how tough it can be to be a good parent and how hard it is for us to teach our kids the life lessons we know they will need. When she admits to crying herself to sleep that night on the missed trip to a mecca of childhood her daughter had so yearned to see, you just know she could be one of your best mom friends.

Preface

Over the last twenty-plus years, Ive spent a huge chunk of my time around kids. Between being the mom of two daughters and working in an elementary school for over twelve years, Ive spent more than two decades learning what makes kids (and parents) tick. And what I see, more often than anything else, are kids cracking under the pressure of their parents unrealistic expectationsexpectations that they outdo the kids around them in every conceivable way. I also see parents worrying way too much about how their kids success or failures will reflect on them. And thats created a toxic subculture of stressed-out kids and stressed-out parents.

As a result, kids are seeing specialists in record numbers and being medicated to control everything from anxiety disorders and depression to social phobias and panic attacks. According to the 2016 Child Mind Institute Childrens Mental Health Report, 17.1 million young people under the age of eighteen have or have had a diagnosable psychiatric disorder, and that number continues to rise. These are scary stats if youre a parent.

Ive spent almost half my life watching kids (and parents) fall apart around me when they didnt make the team or win MVP or get into their first choice Ivy League school. And lemme tell you, its gut wrenching, because these kids cant cope with anything less than perfection... and neither can their parents.

Youve noticed, Im sure, that helicopter and bulldozer and lawnmower parents are everywhere, with kids being micromanaged by hyper-competitive moms and dads, leaving no real time for them to just be kids. And Ill bet, without even thinking twice, you can rattle off a list of parents you know who are overscheduling their kids so that every available second of their day is crammed with activities. You may even be doing some of it yourself without realizing it.

As the author of the nationally syndicated opinion column It Is What It Is and the Boston Globe Local Bestseller LIFE: It Is What It Is, Ive spent the better part of the last ten years reminding people that life is always a work in progress and that no ones perfect and were not supposed to be. Especially kids. What todays parents need more than anything is a wake-up call to dial down their intensity and let their kids just be kids while they can. And if that means making some mistakes along the way, then so be it.