Suzanne Alderson - Never Let Go: How to Parent Your Child Through Mental Illness

For Family A:

Jack who saved me. Issy who found me.

Ross who saw me.

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First published in the United Kingdom by Vermilion in 2020

Copyright Suzanne Alderson 2020
Illustration Copyright Issy Alderson 2020

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Cover design by Two Associates

ISBN: 978-1-473-58074-9

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If youre a parent of a child suffering with poor mental health and youve picked up this book, youre probably seeking answers to questions you never considered youd need to ask. Lets be honest, its not a typical parental hope for our child to suffer mental distress, is it? We dont dream of seeing our child medicated, or self-harming, or fighting an illness that hinders their ability to engage with the world.

Mental illness challenges every belief and fact we think we know about parenting. It inverts the rules and changes the game. It floods us with self-doubt and separates us from the life we were living before it turned up. From my experiences with mental illness, I can say that the act of caring for someone with a mental disorder is a truly unique one; life-changing, life-challenging and life-affirming, if you allow it to be.

When mental illness happens, which it increasingly does to many of our young people, we find ourselves woefully ill-equipped to deal with the shock and fear we face. We may also have to deal with the everyday, practical implications, the judgements of society and our own misplaced self-flagellation for letting this happen. The world we now face is frightening and isolating, fuelled by fear and magnified by shame. Everything we knew is no longer certain. Everything we hoped for is no longer likely. We cant rely on the truths we believed, and were simply not prepared for the extreme experiences, emotions and never-ending questions that are sprung upon us by this hateful illness.

Some of the questions shouting for attention will be around your childs current state: What on earth is going on? What do I do now? How do we cope? Is this forever? How can I fix this? Others will be about their future and the uncertainty that now colours every thought about your family: Will they ever recover or live independently? What does this mean for their future? Do they even have one? The hardest questions to answer may be those you ask yourself in the quiet of the night: Did I make this happen? Why didnt I stop it? What kind of two-bit parent am I?

This is almost the book I wanted to read when I was supporting my daughter through her mental illness. I say that because I could spend my life writing about this experience and all Ive learned, and it would never be complete. I set out to write this book because I wanted to download and impart all the learnings and experiences from the past five years of caring for my daughter through her chronic mental illness. I wanted to share the experiences of parents in the Parenting Mental Health community (see ), something I started to support, connect and also educate other parents.

In the middle of the night, some months after my daughters mental health crisis began, I found myself sitting in her bedroom as she slept, listening to her breathe, needing to be sure she was still alive. I was trying to untangle the same jumble of questions you may be facing and to come to terms with the enormous pain that I carried everywhere and couldnt put down. I was suddenly struck by the notion that I couldnt be the only parent going through this; we couldnt be the only family in this situation. It just wasnt possible. And in that moment of connection, with persons unknown, some of the pain I felt was transformed into an urgent and powerful drive and desire to connect with others and to help them through.

And so I set up a Facebook group (see ) to give other parents the kind of support and information I couldnt find and to help them understand the unique and powerful role they have in their childs mental illness. Over the past few years, weve helped, supported and connected over 20,000 parents through our digital platforms, and we are now a charity with a mission to end generational mental illness.

My intention with this book is to extend a hand to you as you travel this path and share the highs and lows as you make sense of a nonsensical time. I hope this is the beginning of a conversation. Between you and me. Between you and the people around you. Between you and your child and your family. And between you and yourself. In time, I hope our conversations lead to another with society, because this problem isnt going away and we need to make changes now, not just as individuals, but as a collective.

Throughout the book I have included case studies from members of the Parenting Mental Health community who have kindly shared their experiences. If youd like to read more, please join us in the private community on Facebook. Search for Parenting Mental Health, and youll find a link to join the group at the top of the page. Please answer the three questions when you request to join. Its essential that the community remains a safe haven and a closed space, solely for those who are experiencing the challenge and distress of their childs mental health illness.

As you navigate this new path one you dont want to tread, one without a map, one where the destination is unclear and may not even exist I want this book and the community behind it to be your companion, in every sense of the word. Like a trusted friend, we are here for you for you to rely on and remind you that youre not alone. I want this book to give you the comfort you need when youre faced with the uncertainty of mental illness, as well as the confidence to challenge and stamp your feet and get the professional support your child needs. I want you to scribble in it and underline it and highlight it and make it something youll reflect on over time, to see how far youve come and what has changed.

Most of all, I want to give you hope. That you can get through this together; that you will be stronger because of the experience; that things wont be the same and thats OK. They can even end up being better. Recovery is a practice, not a destination.

My hope is that, in time, youll be where I am now; looking back at a chaotic storm that flattened the world as we knew it, and living a different future that wed never considered, built to fit us. While there were times I could not conceive of my daughter surviving, let alone thriving, I am delighted to say that she did both. Issy is now living a happy, purposeful life on her terms, having recovered fully from mental illness.

Once you understand the power of the storm, of your power to get through it and the changes it has enforced, I hope youll extend your hand to someone else who is just starting to experience what you have come through.