Sandra Kwesell - The 9 Pillars of Successful Parenting

How to Thrive andSurvive
Through the Parenting Years

by

Sandra Kwesell MSC, MFCT

www.pillarsforsuccess.com

Copyright 2018-2020 by Sandra Kwesell.

Pillars for Success

All rights reserved. This book or any portionthereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoeverwithout the express written permission of the author except for theuse of brief quotations in a book review.

First eBook Edition, 2018

Second eBook Edition, 2020

Smashwords Edition

To learn more about the Pillars for Success
and find out about current and upcoming products and courseofferings go to:

www.pillarsforsuccess.com

BONUS:
You will be able to register and download our free eBook that hasbecome a trusted introductory and quick-reference guide!

(Note: for ease of readingall children are
referred to as he throughout the entire book)

Remember the old saying,

The definition ofinsanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting adifferent result.

I bet that sounds familiar when you thinkabout the arguments that happen every day with your kids.

You repeat the same battles, dont agree onwhat needs to happen and both the kids and the battles are drivingyou nuts!

One thing is certain: Doing things the sameway isnt working. Yelling at your kids doesnt really changeanything. In fact, they dont hear you any better even when youyell louder. If you want to learn how to finally end the fightingand arguing, then keep reading. The answers you need are in thisbook.

This book and the Pillars for Success program are going to teach you a new way to understandbehavior. Youre going to find out:

Why your kids fight withyou

Why they refuse to do what youask

How you can change thesituation

Important information that helps usunderstand behavior issues, refusals, and defiance is found in twoconcepts:

1. Chronological Age

2. Developmental Level

Well be discussing these ideas later on inthis book, but here are brief definitions so you can be thinkingabout them as you read further.

Chronological Age is based on the date of your birth. If a personwas born 10 years ago, then his chronological age is 10 years old.If a person was born 40 years ago, then his chronological is 40years old.

Developmental Level is based on your skill level in a specific areaof growth.

If most babies start to walk at about 14months old, and your child walks at about 17 months old, then yourchilds gross motor development is at the 17-month-olddevelopmental level.

If your child plays on a football team withyouth who are 16 years old and he is able to keep up with theactivity of the game, then his gross motor skills in football(running, tackling, dodging, throwing the ball) are at the16-year-old developmental level even though he is chronologically14 years old.

If your child has learned how to use apencil to write words and most kids can use a pencil to write wordssuccessfully at 6 years old, then your childs (fine motor) writingskills are at the 6-year-old developmental level even though he ischronologically 9 years old.

If your child refuses to cooperate the sameway that a 2 year old (who is declaring his independence) refuses,then your child is at the 2-year-old level emotionally, even thoughhe is chronologically 5 years old.

Heres the important part: ALL of us havedifferent developmental levels in all of our areas of growth. Someof these areas of growth include: gross motor development, finemotor development, speech development, social development, languagedevelopment, and emotional development. It doesnt matter whetherwe are talking about a young child, a teenager, or an adult.Depending on how we are feeling at any given time, what our needsare, and our level of frustration, we act and react to one anotherdifferently. We actually act and react at different developmentallevels.

As adults, there is a greater chance that wewill be able to get past the cycle of fighting and arguing when wedisagree. Most of us can see the big picture and figure out whatis happening and how to solve the conflict because ourdevelopmental level is more mature.

Remember that kids dontthink about behavior and relationships. They mostly careabout what they need andwant , and howtheyre going to get it. This kind ofthinking is common at their developmental level.

However, we can set upsituations with even our most rebellious, self-centered children so they will be encouraged to do what weask. Youre going to learn to respond to them based on theirdevelopmental level of need and happily watch as they become moreagreeable.

The Pillars for Success program willteach you how to stop trying to change your childrens behavior.Instead, youre going to learn how to motivate your kids to changetheir own behavior. They are going to cooperate more often becausethey will clearly see whats in it for me.

Lets start with the two most importantrules that govern behavior. Above all, remember this:

1. No one can change another persons behavior.

2. The only behavior you can control is yourown.

Youll be surprised to seehow changing your own behavior can cause a change in yourchildrens behavior! You will learn how the rules and tools ofthe Pillars for Success program will put you in charge of building a pathfor your child that leads to positive changes. In fact, you willlearn how the rules and tools of the program will put you in chargeof making changes that seemed impossible.

The first step is toremember that when things go wrong, it is because of how both you and yourchildren act and speak to one another. The conflict is always aboutthe interaction between the two of you

Every family gets into repeated patterns ofinteracting, reacting, and communicating with each other. We callthese patterns scripts because they are repeated over and overagain in almost the exact same way. It truly seems like we arefollowing a well-rehearsed written script. Just because we dontnotice the scripts doesnt mean that we dont follow them. Heresan example of an argument script between a mother and her sonthat happens over and over again:

Mom:

Johnny, please go clean up your room.

Johnny:

Leave me alone. Im busy.

Mom (louder):

Johnny, do what I tell you NOW!

Johnny:

Im not doing it, and you cant make me. Getaway from me! I HATE YOU!