Bil Lepp - Muddling Through: Perspectives on Parenting

Acclaim for Muddling Through

As ever, Bil Lepp turns the mundane into the sublimeand in Muddling Through thoughtfully and powerfully translates adult and kid perspectives on parenting moments. Who better than a master storyteller with a choice yarn to connect parents and children on the things that really matter.

William Weil, Co-Founder and CEO, Tales2Go

When you finish this book, youll probably start wishing that the Lepp family would adopt you. Or if thats too drastic, then youll at least want to come back in another life as their family dog. OR, maybe youll just start small, and ask them to take you on a road trip. I could totally be trapped in a car for a week with these people.

Finally a parenting book that reminds us that if you and your family can laugh through this crazy pressure cooker of life.youre probably doing it right.

Mindy Thomas, Host of The Absolutely Mindy Show on Sirius XMs Kids Place Live

Contents

I

Dedication

To Ellie and Noah, my prime subjects, & Paula, my chief co-muddler.

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Introduction

W HEN I was asked to write this book it was not because I am an accredited child rearing expert. I have no degree, credential, or recognition as a child raising expert. I am a professional storyteller who occasionally tells stories about parenting. Heres an important credential I do hold: I have won the West Virginia Liars Contest five times. I am a fiction writer and a humorist. As a champion liar and a fiction writing humorist, I sometimes make stuff up. So, the funny little stories that begin each chapter of this book didnt necessarily happen exactly the way I present them. They happened, more or less, but I have taken the liberty of occasionally crafting some events in the vignettes to better illustrate the points I am trying to make.

The advice I offer, however, is honest. I have two kids who, at this writing, are eight and eleven years old. That gives me nineteen collective years in the parenting trenches. I cannot claim to be a successful parent. Im not sure when any parent can deem their job a success. Your childs whole life will be greatly determined by the portion they spend with you. I am offering what advice I can with the idea that I think my wife and I are doing pretty well. I hope our experiences help you.

Finally, in the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I have never before written an advice book, never read an advice book, and dont have much intention of ever reading one. Im not sure Ive ever even read an instruction manual past the point where it says, Before attempting to operate this device you need to thoroughly read these instructions. I just muddle through.

Best Regards,

Bil Lepp

Eiger Mountain, Switzerland (not really I just like Clint Eastwood movies, and authors always end their forewords by stating some exotic location. Actually, Im on the couch in the living room.)

CHAPTER ONE

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About Conversations and Questions

Daddy Dog Killer

I know that children tend to ask a lot of questions, but there are times when I think my kids have been secretly attending Congressional panels to hone their interrogation techniques. My kids are young, eleven and eight years old, so youd think Id notice if they slipped off to Washington for week or so. Im not that inattentive a parent. I dont knowmaybe theyre upstairs watching C-Span right now.

Driving along in the minivan, when Im pretty sure the kids are asleep in the backseat, Ill risk saying something innocent to my wife such as, Did you see that dog crossing the road back there?

And then from the backseat I hear a noise that sounds suspiciously like a gavel falling, and my daughter says something like, The Chairwoman recognizes the boy from the left side of the car.

My son clears his throat and intones, Did you say a dog was on the road?

And before I can answer, my daughter asks, What color was the dog?

There is an intensity to the questions. For the next few minutes all that matters is that dog.

Was the dog crossing the street from left to right? Or right to left?

Was it a big dog? Or a small dog?

Do you think the dog was rabid?

Was it a wild dog?

Was it a dingo?

Could it have been a kangaroo?

I start to sweat under the scrutiny. I still havent had a chance to answer even one of these questions. Im looking for an opening. I reach out and grip my wifes hand. Why dont they ask her these questions? She saw the dog, too. Brown. Brown! I confess. The dog was brown!

I see, comes the voice of my daughter. Brown. Light brown or dark brown?

Now my son jumps in, trying to confuse me. Whats the difference between a shade and a hue? Thats why you should never home school. Who taught my kid about hues? Not me. He probably learned it from one of those other home school kids during his astrophysics lab. Vocabulary thugs.

Theyre trying to break me down. But Im sticking with my story. Uh, light brown. I look at my wife for confirmation. She shrugs as if to say, I never said I saw the dog. She drops my hand. Shes distancing herself from me.

One of the kids spills their apple juice in the back seat. This is their variation of waterboarding.

Was the dog all brown, or was he spotted?

Why does any of this matter? I didnt really get a good look at the dog. I wish Id never seen that dog! Stupid dog! Mostly light brown, with some dark brown around the edges.

Was the dog going left to right? Or right to left?

Now were back to this. Right to left, I state confidently.

Why was the dog crossing the road? my daughter asks.

To get to the other side, I try. Yeah. She didnt laugh either.

Did you hit the dog?

No, I nearly cry.

So the brown dog was crossing the road right to left, but you didnt hit it?

Thats correct.

And you have no reason to believe it was sick? You dont think it was rabid?

No.

Was it foaming at the mouth?

No.

If it had been rabid, would you have hit it?

I, I, I...

Have you ever hit a dog?

Do you know anyone who has hit a dog?

Why do they call it the dog days of summer?

Who invented the hotdog?

What does dog tired mean to you?

When can we get another dog?

Whats a bounty hunter?

Would you have swerved into the other lane to hit the rabid dog?

I, I, I...

My daughter asks, What if there was a baby lying on the side of the road and the rabid dog was crossing the road to bite the baby? Then the baby would get rabies. Would you hit the dog then?

Yeah, Dad. Would you have swerved into the other lane to hit the rabid dog, even if there was a truck coming at you, to save a baby?

My daughter sighs, That poor rabies baby.

Yes, I stammer, I would hit the dog to save the baby.

My wife asks: Youd risk all of our lives to swerve into the other lane in front of an oncoming truck? What if the baby was just a doll?

Traitor.

I hate that dog. I know it is not nice, but Id swerve across three lanes of traffic to hit that dog right now, rabid or not!

Yeah, Dad. What if the baby was just a doll and the dog wasnt rabid, and the baby doll was the dogs toy, and he was crossing the road because he dropped his toy? Youd kill a dog for that?

Wait... I protest. I never said...

Was the dog mostly light brown with just a little bit of dark brown?

Yes, yes. Just like that.

My daughter giggles. Just like a Reeses cup.

Yes, I agree, sort of like a Reeses.

Can we stop and get a Reeses cup? the kids ask in unison.

What can the dog killer do? I pull into a Go-Mart and we adjourn for a Reeses break. It may be my only chance to rid myself of the dog.