Judy Ford - Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other

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Table of Contents

Praise for Every Day Love

A wonderfully helpful book about the tender graces and gritty practices that will keep your relationship not just alive but beautifully thriving.

Daphne Rose Kingma, author of True Love, Finding True Love, and The Future of Love

Judy Ford is fast becoming my favorite inspirational writer. I am touched, uplifted and best of all, feel differently about life. She speaks for love in a way that moves me closer to who I really am. Find out for yourself the hidden wisdom in this deceptively simple book.

Jay Schlechter, PhD, author of Intimate Friends: An Antidote to Loneliness

Heartfelt, honed, and honest, Every Day Love is written by an authentic romantic who also happens to be a renowned family therapist and prolific author of best-selling inner guidebooks. Her latest book is a must-read for anyone seriously interested in loving and being loved. What you can discover within these pages will stay with you and inspire you in all of your relationships. Who wrote the book of love? Judy Ford. And it is finally here!

Antonia Rojas Kabakov, choreographer and teacher

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C. S. Lewis

INTRODUCTION

A SPECIAL KNACK

This book is about exactly what the title suggests, everyday love, love that keeps us going. Behind the scenes of our active public lives there is an unseen thread connecting us and challenging us to remember to be loving. Everyday love may not be as glamorous as romances portrayed on the big screen, may not be as perfect as we aspire to attain, but it is steady. Everyday love feels comfortable and yet it is more than a feelingit is the combination of attitudes and actions that satisfies, supports, and sustains. It is the love that shapes us into who we are becoming.

Folks in the know, the well married and a wide range of experts, report that daily love is complicated and requires a special knack. Articles, movies, books, magazines, advice columns, and scientific research report that couples dont understand each other. With all the admonitions that loving each other is not for the faint-hearted or weak-minded, we tremble and wonder if were up to the task.

How do you love a man who squeezes the toothpaste in the middle when you would prefer it neatly pushed from the end? How do you love a man who exaggerates the good deal he negotiated on his car? Can you really love a man who decides that attending church is not necessary for spiritual development, when youre committed to teaching Sunday School? How do you love a man who reads great literature and is well versed in current events when youre stuck on tabloids and soap operas? And what about the man who cant articulate his feelings? Is it possible to be in tune with a man who says, You worry too much, when you try to talk with him about your girlfriends dramas?

How do you love a woman who insists that you talk to her, buy her flowers, and read her mind? Can a man love a woman who disapproves of motorcycles when he is planning to trade in the one he already owns for a bigger one? What about loving a woman who insists on no television in the bedroom when he cant fall asleep without it on? Can a man love a woman who insists on eating organic greens and veggies when hes a steak-and-potatoes kind of guy? How do you love a woman who is begging for another baby when you think two is enough? Is it possible to love each other when the differences feel like slivers festering under the skin?

It seems to me that theres a conspiracy of silence about what tears couples and families apart and about the work that goes on behind relationship doors to repair it. The subject is a closely guarded secret. People are very tight-lipped about the day-to-day interactions that chip away at love and what tiny gestures keep love thriving. Ive been studying love relationships for over 25 years, and while I dont claim to have the final word, I can testify to the fact that we all still have much to learn about the nitty-gritty of this delicate art. Falling in love is easy, but daily love turns out to be harder than expected.

Every Day Love, a peek into love that comforts and flourishes, is filled with couples stories and experiences that are often overlooked as insignificant. Presented in these stories are the nuts and bolts of day-to-day relationships. Chock full of tales of lovers quarrels, heartaches, and healing gestures, this book gives you snapshot views of the loving nuances that transform our misunderstandings. Here are small yet noteworthy actions that keep love fresh. Every Day Love is brimming with universal expectations and disappointments, along with tips for nurturing and mending love. Reading these tales is both fascinating and instructive. At a certain point, youll probably rub your eyes amazed that people like you (normal people!) actually do these things. Maybe youll slap your forehead and say, Hey, whats going on? Novels, plays, poetry, and musicals have been written about these scenarios; they probably will be again. These are the perennial dramas.

The delicate art of everyday love is not about changing or coercing your sweetheart into doing the things you want; rather its about becoming the best partner and ultimately the best person you can be. What can you learn from reading Every Day Love? To avoid the pitfalls and celebrate the differences. After all, wasnt it curiosity about those differences that piqued our interest in the first place? Its the delicate pinch of difference that adds the tang, the spice, the va-va-voom that keeps us fascinating and fascinated. We all are different, for sure, and were similar too. We all yearn deeply to love and be loved. And so, with longing in tow, the fine-tuning begins.

To all of you, the many clients who generously told me your stories and gave me permission to share them in this book, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have taught me. I have changed your names to respect and honor your privacy. Your stories will touch many lives.

To Antonia and Joel Kabalov, Jay Schlechter, Brenda Knight, Mark Rhynsburger, and the believers at Viva Editions, I am grateful for your brilliant collaborations.

Heres to Love in all its forms,
Judy

CHAPTER I

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