John Townsend - Loving People: How to Love and Be Loved

LOVING
PEOPLE

LOVING
PEOPLE

DR. JOHN
TOWNSEND

Loving People
2007 by Dr. John Townsend

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotation in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

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All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Some identifying names and details have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Townsend, John Sims, 1952
Loving people / John Townsend.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-8499-1961-9 (hardcover)
1. Love--Religious aspectsChristianity. 2. Interpersonal relationsReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BV4639.T67 2007
248.4--dc22

2007041997

Printed in the United States of America
07 08 09 10 11 QW 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

TO ALL WHO DESIRE THE GOOD
THAT COMES FROM LOVING AND BEING LOVED.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

CONTENTS

I would like to thank the following people who helped bring this book about:

Sealy Yates and Jeana Ledbetter, my literary agents: You have shepherded this book, as you have so many others, into its present form. You are unique in your care and guidance of what books and their importance are all about.

Mike Hyatt, president and CEO, Thomas Nelson Publishers: Your ability to keep both the big picture and the individual relationship in mind is a great encouragement to me. You are much appreciated.

Byron Williamson: Thanks for your creativity and vision in coming up with the concept and bringing it to me. I appreciate all the warmth and ideas you bring to the literary world.

Joey Paul: Your craftsmanship and instincts helped form the direction of this material. Thanks for the support and direction.

Jennifer Stair: You bring a great ability to being the advocate for the reader in your editorial competence. The book is better because of your work.

The staff of Cloud-Townsend ResourcesMaureen Price, Janet Williams, Jodi Coker, Debra Nili, Patti Schenkel, and Bonnie Winslow: thanks for the hours of hard work and making it all fun at the same time.

Dr. Keith Edwards and Dr. Tom Okamoto: Thanks for your valuable insights into the current research aspects of love and connection. You bring clarity and weight to the material.

Dr. Jay Martin: Thanks for your coaching and direction throughout the writing process. Your ability to be both deeply conceptual and totally practical has been an incredible help.

The CCN Solutions by Satellite attendees: thanks for engaging with the material that formed this book and being together with me in the growth process.

Dr. Henry Cloud: I am grateful for the many years of being a partner and friend in studying and experiencing the concepts in this book. Thanks for being there!

PART 1
What Is Love?

I love you.

These three words can change your life. Whether you are on the giving or receiving end of these words, they reach deeply into us and transform us. They remind us that love is one of the most important aspects of our lives, guiding our steps from our early years to our last days.

Let me introduce this subject with a couple of examples of the impact of love, one from the perspective of youth and another from that of old age. First, I recently took my wife and kids on a ski vacation during a school break. When it was time to return home, one of our sons wanted to stay longer to snowboard with friends. Austin, one of his best friends, was among them. We made arrangements for other parents to drive him home later that day, and my wife and I left with our other son.

That evening, our son called us and said that everything was a big mess. He misjudged his time and took off for one more ride down the mountain when it would have been better to meet the others who were driving him home. On top of that, he accidentally fell into a deep snowbank and had difficulty getting himself out. It was a frightening experience for him.

By the time he got back to the pickup spot, he had made the entire party late starting on the long ride home. Naturally, the others were frustrated and angry with him. It was an unpleasant experience for everyone in the car.

When our son got home, we talked about what happened. He said, Dad, I know I was wrong about taking the extra ride. It was my fault that we were all so late. I shouldnt have done it. Everyone was right to be mad at me.

Then he added, But what I remember most is what Austin said. While everyone was yelling at me, all Austin said was, Are you all right? He was worried about me in that snowbank.

HOW WE OPERATE AS LOVING PEOPLE, AND WHO WE LOVE, WILL MAKE A GREAT DIFFERENCE IN THE COURSES OF OUR LIVES.

Certainly there is no question that my son needed to learn a lesson about responsibility and judgment, and I think he did. But what mattered even more was Austins concern for him. That is because love comes first.

Then, in a fast-forward to the other end of the life span, I also recently attended the funeral of Howard, a friend of mine who died in his eighties. Howards memorial service was a time of grief, but it was also a celebration because it was all about love, for that was a large part of Howards life. People were invited to say something about Howard and their relationship with him. Here are a few things that were shared:

He cared about me.

He loved people without judgment.

You knew Howard really was there for you.

He drew people to him.

He changed my life for the better.

Over and over again, Howards friends and family spoke about how he made them feel, how he connected with them, and how he brought life to them through his words and his actions.

How we operate as loving people, and who we love, will make a great difference in the courses of our lives. You can probably remember right now an experience in which someone affected you a great deal by either how much, how helpfully, or even how poorly he or she loved you. These events and people stay with us, for good or for bad, forever. They get insideand they stay inside. Love matters to us.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE

Love is our highest endeavor. Our lives are evaluated by how muchor how little we love. Our quality of life and even the number of our days are affected by love. In fact, it is only to the extent that we love well and deeply that we are truly alive.