Chapman - Five Love Languages

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The Secret to Love that Lasts

Gary Chapman

N ORTHFIELD P UBLISHING
CHICAGO

1992, 1995, 2004, 2010 by
G ARY D. C HAPMAN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Interior Design: Julia Ryan / www.DesignByJulia.com

Jacket Design: Smartt Guys design

Cover Wrap Image (composite): Michael Powers (beach), Eric Horan (couple), Cindy McIntyre

(heart) / Photolibrary

Author Photo Credit: Boyce Shore & Associates

2010 edition: Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse, editor

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Chapman, Gary D.

The five love languages : the secret to love that lasts / Gary Chapman.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-8024-7362-2

1. Marriage. 2. Communication in marriage. 3. Love. I. Title.

HQ734.C4665 2010

646.78--dc22

2009037112

This book is printed on acid free recycled paper containing 30% PCW (Post Consumer Waste)
and manufactured in the United States of America by RR Donnelley.

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Printed in the United States of America

To Karolyn,
Shelley, and Derek

O THER B OOKS BY G ARY C HAPMAN

The Five Love Languages Mens Edition

The Five Love Languages Gift Edition

The Five Love Languages of Children

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

The Five Love Languages Singles Edition

The Five Languages of Apology

God Speaks Your Love Language

The Marriage Youve Always Wanted

The Marriage Youve Always Wanted Bible Study

The Family Youve Always Wanted

Hope for the Separated

Parenting Your Adult Child

Desperate Marriages

Anger

GARY CHAPMAN , PhD , is the author

of the bestselling Five Love Languages

series, which has sold more than 7 million

copies worldwide and has been translated

into almost 40 languages. Dr. Chapman

travels the world presenting seminars on

marriage, family, and relationships, and

his radio program airs on more than 200

stations. He lives in North Carolina with his

wife, karolyn. For more information visit

fivelovelanguages.com.

L ove begins, or should begin, at home. For me that means Sam and Grace, Dad and Mom, who have loved me for more than sixty years. Without them I would still be seeking love instead of writing about it. Home also means karolyn, to whom I have been married for more than forty years. If all wives loved as she does, fewer men would be looking over the fence. Shelley and Derek are now out of the nest, exploring new worlds, but I feel secure in the warmth of their love. I am blessed and grateful.

I am indebted to a host of professionals who have influenced my concepts of love. Among them are psychiatrists Ross Campbell and Judson Swihart. For editorial assistance, I am indebted to Debbie Barr and Cathy Peterson. The technical expertise of Tricia kube and Don Schmidt made it possible to meet publication deadlines. Last, and most important, I want to express my gratitude to the hundreds of couples who, over the past thirty years, have shared the intimate side of their lives with me. This book is a tribute to their honesty.

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Books abound on the subject. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. The Internet is full of advice. So are our parents and friends. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business. With all the help available from media experts, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding?

A t 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction, and asked, What kind of work do you do?

I do marriage counseling and lead marriage enrichment seminars, I said matter-of-factly.

Ive been wanting to ask someone this for a long time, he said. What happens to the love after you get married?

Relinquishing my hopes of getting a nap, I asked, What do you mean?

Well, he said, Ive been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before we got married, but somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I thought I had for her and the love she seemed to have for me evaporated. I am a fairly intelligent person. I operate a successful business, but I dont understand it.

How long were you married? I asked.

The first one lasted about ten years. The second time, we were married three years, and the last one, almost six years.

Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding, or was it a gradual loss? I inquired.

Well, the second one went wrong from the very beginning. I dont know what happened. I really thought we loved each other, but the honeymoon was a disaster, and we never recovered. We only dated six months. It was a whirlwind romance. It was really exciting! But after the marriage, it was a battle from the beginning.

In my first marriage, we had three or four good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt like she gave her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. It was as if her one goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby, she no longer needed me.

Did you tell her that? I asked.

Yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse. She said I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didnt seem to make any difference. After that, we just grew further apart. After a while, there was no love left, just deadness. Both of us agreed that the marriage was over.

My last marriage? I really thought that one would be different. I had been divorced for three years. We dated each other for two years. I really thought we knew what we were doing, and I thought that perhaps for the first time I really knew what it meant to love someone. I genuinely felt that she loved me.