Gary Chapman - The 5 Love Languages/5 Love Languages for Men/5 Love Languages of Teenagers/5 Love Languages of Children

1992, 1995, 2004, 2010, 2015 by
GARY D. CHAPMAN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse
Cover design: Faceout Studio
Cover photo: Boone Rodriguez (boonerodriguez.com)
Author photo: P. S. Photography
Interior design: Smartt Guys design

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Chapman, Gary D.
The five love languages : the secret to love that lasts / Gary Chapman.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-8024-1270-6
1. Marriage. 2. Communication in marriage. 3. Love. I. Title.
HQ734.C4665 2010
646.78dc22

2009037112

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Printed in the United States of America

To Karolyn,
Shelley, and Derek

THE5 loveLANGUAGES Collection

The 5 Love Languages for Men

The 5 Love Languages Hardcover Special Edition

The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers

The 5 Love Languages for Singles

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

For more books by Gary Chapman, go to 5lovelanguages.com

For a free online study guide please visit:

5lovelanguages.com

This group discussion guide is designed to both help couples apply the concepts from The 5 Love Languages and stimulate genuine dialogue among study groups.

L ove begins, or should begin, at home. For me that means Sam and Grace, Dad and Mom. Without them I would still be seeking love instead of writing about it. Home also means Karolyn. If all wives loved as she does, fewer men would be looking over the fence. Shelley and Derek are now out of the nest, exploring new worlds, but I feel secure in the warmth of their love. I am blessed and grateful.

I am indebted to a host of professionals who have influenced my concepts of love. Among them are psychiatrists Ross Campbell and Judson Swihart. For editorial assistance, I am indebted to Debbie Barr, Cathy Peterson, and Betsey Newenhuyse. The technical expertise of Tricia Kube and Don Schmidt made it possible to meet publication deadlines. Last, and most important, I want to express my gratitude to the hundreds of couples who, over the years, have shared the intimate side of their lives with me. This book is a tribute to their honesty.

A t 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction, and asked, What kind of work do you do?

I do marriage counseling and lead marriage enrichment seminars, I said matter-of-factly.

Ive been wanting to ask someone this for a long time, he said. What happens to the love after you get married?

Relinquishing my hopes of getting a nap, I asked, What do you mean?

Well, he said, Ive been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before we got married, but somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I thought I had for her and the love she seemed to have for me evaporated. I am a fairly intelligent person. I operate a successful business, but I dont understand it.

How long were you married? I asked.

The first one lasted about ten years. The second time, we were married three years, and the last one, almost six years.

Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding, or was it a gradual loss? I inquired.

Well, the second one went wrong from the very beginning. I dont know what happened. I really thought we loved each other, but the honeymoon was a disaster, and we never recovered. We only dated six months. It was a whirlwind romance. It was really exciting! But after the marriage, it was a battle from the beginning.

In my first marriage, we had three or four good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt like she gave her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. It was as if her one goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby, she no longer needed me.

Did you tell her that? I asked.

Yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse. She said I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didnt seem to make any difference. After that, we just grew further apart. After a while, there was no love left, just deadness. Both of us agreed that the marriage was over.

My last marriage? I really thought that one would be different. I had been divorced for three years. We dated each other for two years. I really thought we knew what we were doing, and I thought that perhaps for the first time I really knew what it meant to love someone. I genuinely felt that she loved me.

After the wedding, I dont think I changed. I continued to express love to her as I had before marriage. I told her how beautiful she was. I told her how much I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. But a few months after marriage, she started complaining; about petty things at firstlike my not taking the garbage out or not hanging up my clothes. Later, she went to attacking my character, telling me she didnt feel she could trust me, accusing me of not being faithful to her. She became a totally negative person. Before marriage, she was never negative. She was one of the most positive people I have ever metthats one of the things that attracted me to her. She never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed I could do nothing right. I honestly dont know what happened. Eventually, I lost my love for her and began to resent her. She obviously had no love for me. We agreed there was no benefit to our living together any longer, so we split.