Gary Chapman - Help to Heal a Hurting Marriage

2008, 2018 by MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE CONSULTANTS, INC.

This is a revised edition of Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship by Gary Chapman ( 2008).

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version.

Names and details of some stories have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse
Interior and cover design: Erik M. Peterson
Cover photo of heart icons copyright 2016 by Rakdee / iStock (528981422). All rights reserved.
Author photo: P.S. Photography

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Chapman, Gary D., 1938- author.

Title: Loving your spouse when you feel like walking away : real help for desperate hearts in difficult marriages / Gary Chapman.

Other titles: Desperate marriages

Description: Chicago : Northfield Publishing, [2018] | This is a revised edition of Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship. | Includes bibliographical references. |

Identifiers: LCCN 2017055014 (print) | LCCN 2017057780 (ebook) | ISBN 9780802496423 () | ISBN 9780802418104

Subjects: LCSH: Marriage. | Reconciliation. | Communication in marriage.

Classification: LCC HQ734 (ebook) | LCC HQ734 .C464 2018 (print) | DDC 306.81--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017055014

ISBN: 978-0-8024-1810-4

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To the many couples who have shared their marital struggles with me and who have given me the extreme joy of seeing them take the road to Reality Living.

I was in a Chicago suburb one cold Saturday morning, leading my The Marriage Youve Always Wanted seminar, when I first met Maria. Earlier I had given the audience a summary of my book One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart. I had encouraged audience members to get a copy for any of their friends who were separated. Maria had purchased the book and was holding it in her hands.

Dr. Chapman, when are you going to write a book for me? she asked.

What do you mean?

Im sure this book is good for those who are contemplating divorce, she said, but what about people like me? My husband and I are not separated. We have been married for seventeen years. Neither of us believes in divorce; we have strong religious convictions, but our marriage is miserable. We have some really big problems that we have never been able to resolve. Well fight about them and then make up, and things will be fine for a few weeks. Then were back into warfare again. We need help.

We went for counseling one time for a few sessions, but it didnt seem to help. Weve read some books on marriage, but they just dont seem to deal with our problems. I know there must be other couples like us who really want their marriages to work but havent been able to find answers.

I found out later that Maria was living with an alcoholic husband who, for that and other reasons, was also irresponsible in his work patterns. Thus, finances had been a problem during their entire marriage.

Since my conversation with Maria, I have written several more books, but I have never forgotten her question: When are you going to write a book for me? I have had no further contact with her and do not know what has happened in her marriage. But if I could see her again, I would say, Maria, this ones for you. Yes, for Mariaand for thousands of others like her who sincerely want to make their miserable marriages work.

Three factors motivated me to write this book. First, large numbers of people like Maria have approached me at my seminars, asking for practical help with what I (and they) consider to be major barriers to marital unity, the kind of issues that we do not have time to deal with in a weekend seminarproblems that have lingered for years and whose roots run deep; problems that, if they are not solved, can and do destroy many marriages.

The second catalyst for writing this book is the memory of my own struggles in the early years of my marriage. I well remember the pain that followed months of trying to do what I thought was right, yet to no avail. I remember the sense of helplessness that overwhelmed me, the recurring thought that I was married to someone with whom I would never have real intimacy. The problems seemed so deep and my resources so shallow that I found it difficult even to pursue another approach. But there were answers, and eventually we found them. Karolyn and I have been married for more than fifty years now and have come to experience an intimacy I never dreamed possible. The pain is a distant memory, but it motivates me to help others who struggle as sincerely as we struggled.

The third force that pushed me to write this book is the steady stream of individuals with whom I have worked in the counseling office over the yearspeople who have had to deal with alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, the unfaithfulness of a spouse, a controlling personality, or those who have had to deal with a painful past involving child abuse or low self-esteem; others have been married to workaholics, and others to irresponsible mates. One of the rewards of counseling is seeing these kinds of people take responsible steps to deal with genuine problems, to support them in their efforts, and to see the fruit of improved relationships. I am convinced that their successes need a wider audience and that perhaps the steps they took will also give guidance to others.

I have changed their names and enough details to protect their privacy, but the accounts you will read in the following pages depict the lives of real people with real problems who found meaningful solutions in desperate marriages.

In each chapter, I will seek first to identify the nature of the specific problem and draw from social and psychological research where available. In questions of morality, I will offer guidelines from my own Judeo-Christian heritage. In addition, following a number of the chapters, we give you resources for further help.

My intended purpose is to give practical suggestions on how to move your marriage from where it is to where you want it to be. Obviously, I cannot guarantee you success, but I can guarantee you the satisfaction of knowing that you have given your marriage your best effort.

Yes, Maria, this ones for you.