Gary Chapman - 5 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage: ...When Youre Stuck at Home Together

2020 by GARY CHAPMAN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Some stories are fictitious, composites, or have changed details to protect the privacy of individuals.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Edited by Connor Sterchi

Interior and cover design: Erik M. Peterson

Cover illustration of couple copyright 2018 by CSA-Printstock/iStock (1003475380). All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8024-2332-0
eBook ISBN: 978-0-8024-9964-6

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S ome have said that we are all in the same ship as we face the turbulent seas of COVID-19. That is not true. We are all in our own ship. Some of you have small children in your ship. Others have college students who have gotten back into your ship. For many, it is simply you and your spouse. You may be healthy, or one (or both) of you may be sick. You may be working from home, or you may no longer have a job. No, we are not in the same ship. However, for all of us, the dynamics of life are very different than they were before the storm.

Some are predicting that the divorce rate will increase in America when the shelter-in-place orders are lifted. Reports indicate that is exactly what happened in China when the quarantine was lifted. Let me suggest that quarantines do not cause divorcepeople do. If the marriage relationship was fractured before the pandemic, then being confined together simply reveals what was already true. If the marriage was healthy, then the couple may even thrive during the lockdown.

This book is addressed to all married couples, healthy or unhealthy. Your marriage can be better. Marriage relationships are not static. They either get better or worse with each passing day. Has the COVID-19 pandemic changed our environment? Without question! For many, it has created financial pressure, which may stimulate anxiety. If children are in the picture, they are now ever present, 24/7. Many parents are telling me they have a much deeper appreciation for school teachers since the schools have been closed. Our daily routines have been changed, which often creates stress. But none of these changes make or break a marriage.

As humans, we are extremely adaptable. We choose our attitude and we choose our behavior. We do not choose our emotions. We may feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, lonely, or we may feel happy, excited, loved, and secure. While emotions tend to influence us, they need not control our behavior. Our society has exalted emotions as the guiding star for life. You will hear people say, I have got to be true to my emotions. Or I have to follow my heart. So they make decisions based on their emotions. If their emotions are negative, often these decisions have detrimental results in their marriage and to their children. Dont misunderstand me; emotions are an important part of our humanity, but they should not control our behavior.

In times of crisis, we need to rediscover the power of our attitude and our behavior. We are far more likely to make wise decisions if we choose a positive attitude. Our attitude is what we choose to believe. A negative attitude says:

Our marriage can never be better.

People cant change.

This crisis is going to destroy us.

All of those attitudes are myths that grow out of our negative emotions. A positive attitude says:

This is a hard time, but we are going to make it.

We are going to use this present crisis to enrich our marriage.

We need to change some things, and I am going to be the first to change.

I choose to use this time as an opportunity to enrich our marriage and the lives of our children.

What I want to do in this short book is share five ways you can enhance your marriage and create a better environment in which to raise your children. If you have children, there is no better gift than to give them a model of a mom and dad who have a loving, caring, supportive relationship. I believe you can have that kind of marriage. So whether you are in a healthy marriage or a struggling marriage, lets make it better while we are processing the current crisis.

The suggestions I am going to make grow out of forty years of counseling couples. I have seen marriages saved by applying these simple practices, and I have seen good marriages become great marriages by learning these skills. The short chapters that follow will give you five ways to enhance your marriage. Ideally, both you and your spouse can read a chapter and then discuss how to apply the material in your marriage. Im fully aware that you cannot make your spouse join you in reading and discussing. However, if you both read and decide to practice what you read, it will move the marriage in a positive direction. I predict that you will begin to see a change in your spouses behavior as they observe the changes that are taking place in you. All of us are influenced by the way other people treat us. Dont underestimate the power of a positive influence.

T he old saying Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me is totally false. Words have great power to hurt. The truth is found in an ancient Hebrew proverb: The tongue has the power of life and death. You can kill your relationship or give it life by the way you talk. Everything we say is either a bomb or a balm. Bombs destroy. Balm is an aromatic oil or ointment that is soothing and healing. Harsh, cruel, condemning words are like bombs exploding in the heart of the recipient. Kind, loving, affirming words are like an ointment of healing to the heart of the one who receives them.

Unfortunately, all of us sometimes throw verbal bombs at our spouse. Such words are often spoken in anger. We say things like: I cant count on you for anything. You are just like your father/mothertotally irresponsible. Would you put that phone down and listen to me? When you take a walk, why dont you take Johnny with you? He likes to get outside, and I need a little relief. I dont think you would ever touch me if I didnt initiate it. You know I dont like salmon. So why did you fix it? You are driving me crazy playing video games all day. I could go on, but you get the picture.

These verbal bombs are coming out of our anger. Anger is the emotion we feel when we believe we have been treated unfairly. Often our anger is legitimate; we have been mistreated. Such anger should lead to lovingly confronting our spouse and seeking reconciliation. (We will talk about this in chapter 2.) However, much of our anger is distorted. Our spouse did not mistreat us; they simply did not do what we thought they should have done. Or they did not do it the way we wanted it done. For example, I remember getting angry with my wife about the way she loaded a dishwasher. I am an organized person, and I load a dishwasher in an organized manner. Thus, nothing gets broken and everything gets clean. Karolyn loads a dishwasher like she was playing Frisbee. So, in anger, I gave her a harsh lecture. Did that help our marriage? No! She got angry at me for the way I talked to her. A verbal bomb usually stimulates a retaliation. I bomb her and she bombs me and we are destroying what we wanted most: a loving marriage.