Gary Chapman - The Marriage Youve Always Wanted

2005, 2009, 2014 by
GARY CHAPMAN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

All websites and phone numbers listed herein are accurate at the time of publication, but may change in the future or cease to exist. The listing of website references and resources does not imply publisher endorsement of the sites entire contents. Groups and organizations are listed for informational purposes, and listing does not imply publisher endorsement of their activities.

Edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse
Cover design: Mark Arnold
Interior design: Erik M. Peterson
Creative direction: Propeller
Author photo: P.S. Photography

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Chapman, Gary D.
the marriage youve always wanted / Gary Chapman
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN13: 978-0-8024-1157-0
1. MarriageReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BV835.C457 2005
248.844dc22
2005007219

We hope you enjoy this book from Moody Publishers. Our goal is to provide high-quality, thought-provoking books and products that connect truth to your real needs and challenges. For more information on other books and products written and produced from a biblical perspective, go to www.moodypublishers.com or write to:

Moody Publishers
820 N. LaSalle Boulevard
Chicago, IL 60610

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Printed in the United States of America

Dedicated to
Karolyn

The 5 Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

The 5 Love Languages Mens Edition

The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition

The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers

The 5 Love Languages Gift Edition

The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace

The Love Languages Devotional Bible

God Speaks Your Love Language

The Family Youve Always Wanted

Hope for the Separated

How to Really Love Your Adult Child

Things I Wish Id Known Before We Got Married

Anger

When Sorry Isnt Enough

101 Conversation Starters series

A Perfect Pet for Peyton

After reading The Marriage Youve Always Wanted, are you ready to take the next step to help others?

Moody Theological Seminary Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology program now offers a Marriage and Family Counseling Certificate through the Gary D. Chapman Chair for Marriage and Family.

It includes 18 credit hours and is one of only four programs of its kind at seminaries in the United States. Upon completion, you will be equipped to become a Christian counselor, clinical therapist, or a ministry leader in your local church. This certificate is for anyone who is interested in pursuing a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology or who has graduated with a Master of Arts in Social Work, Clinical or Counseling Psychology.

Get More Information Today

I AM INDEBTED to the many couples who have allowed me to enter into the privacy of their lives and probe for better understanding and more effective ways of relating. In private sessions and in small group meetings, many have heard the ideas presented here and have come back with practical suggestions, many of which have been worked into the fabric of this volume. I have used their stories but changed their names to protect their privacy.

I am grateful to Tricia Kube, my administrative assistant, for help not only in preparing much of the manuscript but for completing office tasks, which allowed me time to think and write. Betsey Newenhuyse of Moody Publishers deserves a great deal of credit for sifting through the original text, keeping the best, and requesting of me new material where needed. She has done an excellent job of blending the original and the new.

It would be unfair not to mention those who so many years ago helped me with the original text, Toward a Growing Marriage: Melinda Powell, Ellie Shaw, Karen Dresser, Doris Manuel, and my wife, Karolyn. They all worked without pay to help put together the thoughts of a young counselor into what became a helpful tool for thousands of couples. For all of them, I am deeply grateful.

The editorial and administrative teams at Moody Publishers have done an excellent job in formatting, packaging, and producing this book. I view them as my extended family.

THE STATISTICS ARE SOBERING.

According to Christian researcher George Barna, 35 percent of what he calls born again Christiansthose who have accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and Lordhave experienced a divorce. Worse, 23 percentnearly a quarterhave been divorced more than once! But, you say, surely Christians divorce less than nonbelievers. Not so, says Barna: the figures are identical. Thirty-five percent for us, 35 percent for them.

And, from the boomers on down, the younger generations are much more likely to divorce than were their elders. Some estimate that half of all couples marrying today will someday split up. And thousands of other couples who love and follow Jesus are living together in something far less than the abundant life that He promised.

Clearly, being Christian and in love is not enough for a successful marriage. In my years of counseling, I have seen many couples go from Everything is perfect! to I cant stand him (or her). How can a couples hopes plummet from the heights of Mount Everest to the depths of the ocean bottom, often in a matter of months?

Its an old lesson, but a lesson every generation needs to relearn: marital happiness is not automatic.

Fortunately, God has not left us without help. In the Bible, He tells us how to live. In Jesus, He showed us how to live. And husbands and wives, no matter if they are newlyweds or grizzled marital veterans, can learn and grow from this wisdom. It is profound and time-tested. The thousands of couples I speak to, counsel, and hear from attest to the value of these biblically based insights. Put simply, they work.

Of course, mere intellectual exposure to the truth bears little fruit. It is the practical application of that truth that produces fruit. In other words, dont just read this, nod, and say, Dr. Chapman, youre right! I would urge both of you, wife and husband, to complete the suggested Your Turn reflections at the end of each chapter. As you read, reflect on, and discuss the ideas presented here, do so prayerfully and hopefully, committing your marriage anew to the God who created marriageand who cares about your marriage in particular.