Chapman - Desperate marriages: moving toward hope and healing in your relationship

1998, 2008 by
GARY CHAPMAN

This is the revised edition of the book previously published as Loving Solutions (winner of the 1999 Gold Medallion Book Award).

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Cover Design: The DesignWorks Group (www.thedesignworksgroup.com)
Cover Image of woman: IndexStock
Interior Design: Smartt Guys design
Editors: Afton Rorvik and Jim Vincent

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Chapman, Gary D., 1938
Desperate marriages : moving toward hope and healing in your relationship
/ by Gary Chapman. Rev. ed.
p. cm.
Previously published as Loving Solutions.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-0-8024-7552-7
ISBN-10: 0-8024-7552-3
1. Marriage. 2. Reconciliation. 3. Communication in marriage. I. Chapman,
Gary D., 1938- Loving solutions. II. Title.
HQ734.C464 2008
646.78dc22

2007050420

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To the many couples
who have shared their marital struggles with me, and who have given me the extreme joy of seeing them take the road to Reality Living

Other Great Books by Gary Chapman

The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages Mens Edition

The Five Love Languages of Children

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

The Five Love Languages for Singles

The Five Languages of Apology

Anger

A Couples Guide to a Growing Marriage

The Marriage Youve Always Wanted

The Family Youve Always Wanted

Hope for the Separated

I am deeply indebted to the couples who have allowed me to be a part of their journey toward loving solutions in their desperate marriages. For some, the journey has been extremely long and painful. For others, solutions came easier and earlier. For all, it has been a road of growth and discovery. I am privileged to have walked the road with these people and now to tell their stories. I dedicate this book to them.

My appreciation to Tricia Kube, my administrative assistant for more than twenty years. Tricia not only computerized the manuscript but offered many helpful suggestions. Jim Vincent, senior editor at Moody Publishers, was of immense help in polishing the final manuscript. My thanks also to Afton Rorvik, who developed and updated this current edition.

As always, I want to express my love and appreciation for Karolyn, my wife for more than forty-five years. Her joyful spirit is a constant source of encouragement to me.

I was in a Chicago suburb one cold Saturday morning, leading my Toward a Growing Marriage seminar, when I first met Maria. Earlier I had given the audience a summary of my book Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed. I had encouraged audience members to get a copy for any of their friends who were separated. Maria had purchased the book and was holding it in her hands.

Dr. Chapman, when are you going to write a book for me? she asked.

What do you mean?

Im sure this book is good for those who are already separated, she said, but what about people like me? My husband and I are not separated. We have been married for seventeen years. Neither of us believes in divorce; we have strong religious convictions, but our marriage is miserable. We have some really big problems that we have never been able to resolve. Well fight about them and then make up, and things will be fine for a few weeks. Then were back into warfare again. We need help.

We went for counseling one time for a few sessions, but it didnt seem to help. Weve read some books on marriage, but they just dont seem to deal with our problems. I know there must be other couples like us who really want their marriages to work but havent been able to find answers.

I found out later that Maria was living with an alcoholic husband who, for that and other reasons, was also irresponsible in his work patterns. Thus, finances had been a problem during their entire marriage.

Since my conversation with Maria, I have written three more books, but I have never forgotten her question: When are you going to write a book for me? I have had no further contact with her and do not know what has happened in her marriage. But if I could see her again, I would say, Maria, this ones for you. Yes, for Mariaand for thousands of others like her who sincerely want to make their desperate marriages work.

Three factors motivated me to write this book. First, large numbers of people like Maria have approached me at my seminars, asking for practical help with what I and they consider to be major barriers to marital unity, the kind of issues that we do not have time to deal with in a weekend seminarproblems that have lingered for years and whose roots run deep; problems that, if they are not solved, can and do destroy many marriages.

The second catalyst for writing this book is the memory of my own struggles in the early years of my marriage. I well remember the pain that followed months of trying to do what I thought was right, yet to no avail. I remember the sense of helplessness that overwhelmed me, the recurring thought that I was married to someone with whom I would never have real intimacy. The problems seemed so deep and my resources so shallow that I found it difficult even to pursue another approach. But there were answers, and eventually we found them. Karolyn and I have been married for more than forty-five years now and have come to experience an intimacy I never dreamed possible. The pain is a distant memory, but it motivates me to help others who struggle as sincerely as we struggled.

The third force that pushes me to write this book is the steady stream of individuals with whom I have worked in the counseling office over the past thirty-five yearspeople who have had to deal with alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, the unfaithfulness of a spouse, a controlling personality; or those who have had to deal with a painful past involving child abuse or low self-esteem; others have been married to workaholics, and others to irresponsible mates. One of the rewards of counseling is seeing these kinds of people take responsible steps to deal with genuine problems, to support them in their efforts, and to see the fruit of improved relationships. I am convinced that their successes need a wider audience and that perhaps the steps they took will also give guidance to others.

I have changed their names and enough details to protect their privacy, but the accounts you will read in the following pages depict the lives of real people with real problems who found meaningful solutions in desperate marriages.

In each chapter, I will seek first to identify the nature of the specific problem and draw from social and psychological research where available. In questions of morality, I will offer guidelines from my own Judeo-Christian heritage. My intended purpose is to give practical suggestions on how to move your marriage from where it is to where you want it to be. Obviously, I cannot guarantee you success, but I can guarantee you the satisfaction of knowing that you have given your marriage your best efforts.