The 30 Minute Expert Series - The Five Love Languages in 30 Minutes

INTRODUCTION

At a Glance

This is an extended review of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Dr. Gary Chapman. In this international best seller, Chapman teaches couples that fulfilling each others innate need to feel loved can be achieved by learning to communicate love clearly to each other in ways both can completely understand. The field of linguistics identifies different languages spoken around the globe, and the same is true for speaking the language of love. When two people dont speak the same love language, a conflicted emotional climate is created.

The 5 Love Languages is a compilation of Chapmans discoveries of the elements of harmonious, lasting relationships, which he says are rooted in the expression of the self in the primary love language of others. Through more than thirty years as a marriage counselor and pastor as well as his education and research on the human thirst for romantic, emotional love, The 5 Love Languages is a primer and language translator for couples interested in fixing or enhancing their relationships.

This review begins with a brief introduction to The 5 Love Languages. Next comes a section that includes information about the book and the author, a summary of readers responses to the bookthe good and the not so good, from professional reviewers as well as from bloggers and other interested readersand a synopsis of The 5 Love Languages. That section is followed by a detailed discussion of the books key concepts. Finally, the main points of this review are briefly restated in a way that may well inspire you to get your own copy of Gary Chapmans book and see for yourself why The 5 Love Languages is such a favorite with readers. Also included are a list of key terms used in The 5 Love Languages, along with recommendations for further reading about how to foster love, respect, and intimacy in long-term relationships.

Understanding
The 5 Love Languages

ABOUT THE BOOK

To answer a burning question posed by a man thrice divorced, (What happens to love after the wedding?); Chapman turned to his research in anthropology and linguistics. As a marriage counselor and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants Inc., Chapmans highest purpose has been helping couples attain and maintain healthy and happy relationships, and he does so by explaining that just as there are different native languages, there are unique emotional languages. When couples dont speak the same emotional language, love, security, and trust evaporate and are replaced by feelings of isolation, resentment, loneliness, anger, depression, numbness, infidelity, and even of falling out of love. These big issues are often what send couples to Chapman for relationship counseling. However, the irony is that these marital problems are not the true culprits but symptoms of a hidden disease: nobody is speaking the same love language.

Thirty years of marriage counseling have enabled Chapman to identify the five love languages that people use to communicate their love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. After witnessing the ineffectiveness of the relationship advice broadcast on television and published in magazines and online, along with the plethora of weighty books on the issues of marriage and relationships, Chapman wanted to offer couples what he had been giving his clients and his ministry: a simple yet profound answer to their relationship issues, which he maintains has everything to do with identifying ones own primary love language and becoming fluent in the love language of ones spouse.

The result is The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. More than a rundown of the five love languages, the book also guides readers toward understanding the phenomenon of falling in love, the two-year life span of the in-love experience as determined by the late psychologist Dorothy Tennov, and what to do when reality sets in.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gary Chapman has made it his mission to challenge couples to create stronger relationships through his books and lectures on marriage, family, and faith.

Chapman has served on the staff of Calvary Baptist Church for more than forty-two years and is now a senior associate pastor. He also hosts two nationally syndicated radio programs, A Love Language Minute and Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, which air on more than one hundred terrestrial stations and over the Internet. As the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants Inc., Chapman lectures to thousands of couples nationwide at his weekend marriage conferences.

Chapman is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute and holds a BA from Wheaton College and an MA in anthropology from Wake Forest University. He earned his Master of Religious Education and a PhD in adult education from Southwest Baptist Theological Seminary, and completed postgraduate work at Duke University and the University of North Carolina. He and his wife, Karolyn, have been married for more than fifty years. They have two children and two grandchildren. Chapman currently resides in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

CRITICAL RECEPTION

The Upside

In an article for the New York Times, Bruce Feiler writes, I stuffed it unread on a bookshelf. A few years later, I opened it and was flabbergasted. It nailed a particular knot in [my] relationship with uncanny accuracy. Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine, states, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, is as relevant today as it was when first published.

Writing an article for WebMD.com, Stephanie Watson shared the results of what happened when she implemented the ideas in the book into her thirteen-year marriage. Being able to focus on each other brought back feelings and emotions that hadnt surfaced since the early days of our relationship BC (before children). We opened up to each other in a way we hadnt done in years.

Blogger Ben Nadel points to the books simplicity and cites its universal appeal, stating, It is based on Christian marital relationships, but personal value can be found in it regardless of ones religious affiliation or relationship status.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, cohost of The View, credited The 5 Love Languages to saving her ten-year marriage when she was a call-in guest on Oprahs Lifeclass, which featured Gary Chapman and The 5 Love Languages.

The Downside

Criticism of the book, where it exists, has been quite mild. For example, Donald L. Hughes of ChristianWritingToday.com says, If this marital prescription seems naive and simplistic to you, then get on the bus. However, he doesnt believe the concepts can transform a marriage. Marital problems are complex... and often there are no easily identifiable connection[s] between cause and effect in marital disharmony.

Blogger Darryl Dash has similar criticism:

This is a book that could have been a long article without losing much. It promises the secret to love that lasts, which is typical marketing nonsense (although similar promises are made in the book). It is simply not the panacea for all that ails us in our love lives.

Five percent of readers on Goodreads.com cite a variety of issues that led them to post negative reviews. Several say the book promotes codependent, unhealthy relationships. Some are displeased with Chapmans Christian background and say the book is geared toward patriarchal, white, Christian couples who wanted to be monogamous and excludes those who dont share that worldview. Conversely, a few readers want the book to be more biblically based.