Fabry Chris - The heart of the five love languages

2007 by
GARY CHAPMAN

Adapted from The 5 Love Languages
Edited by: Tracey D. Lawrence

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Cover Photo: Mark Arnold

ISBN: 1-881273-80-6
ISBN-13: 978-1-881273-80-6

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Why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Why is it that a couple can attend a communication workshop, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home, and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated?

Finding the answer to these questions is the purpose of this book. It is not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.

Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to show love to each other. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouses primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languagesfive ways that people speak and understand emotional love. However, there may be numerous dialects. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by ones imagination. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouses primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language.

At the heart of mankinds existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. That is why the ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband and wife becoming one flesh. That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each others lives in a deep and intimate way.

Again and again I have heard the words Our love is gone, our relationship is dead. We used to feel close, but not now. We no longer enjoy being with each other. We dont meet each others needs. Their stories bear testimony that adults as well as children have love tanks.

I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty love tank may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil. Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better.

WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.

Before we examine the five love languages, however, we must address one other important but confusing phenomenon: the exhilarating experience of falling in love.

At its peak, the in love experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of each other. When we wake up that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together.

The person who is in love has the illusion that his beloved is perfect.

We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have at this moment. Nothing could ever come between us. Nothing will ever overcome our love for each other.

Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. We recognize that some of his/her personality traits are actually irritating. He has the capacity for hurt and anger, perhaps even harsh words and critical judgments. Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains.

Welcome to the real world of marriage, where hairs are always in the sink and little white spots cover the mirror, where arguments center on which way the toilet paper comes off and whether the lid should be up or down. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies, and marriage a battlefield.

What happened to the in love experience? Alas, it was but an illusion by which we were tricked into signing our names on the dotted line, for better or for worse. Did we really have the real thing? I think so. The problem was faulty information.

The euphoria of the in love state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship. We feel that we belong to each other. We believe we can conquer all problems.

Does that mean that, having been tricked into marriage by the illusion of being in love, we are now faced with just two options: (1) we are destined to a life of misery with our spouse, or (2) we must jump ship and try again?

There is a better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it wasa temporary emotional highand now pursue real love with our spouse.

The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health. Married adults long to feel affection and love from their spouses. When your spouses emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

You look sharp in that suit.

Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!

You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.

I really appreciate your washing the dishes tonight.

Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words. The word encourage means to inspire courage. All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words.