Tim Elmore - 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid: Leading Your Kids to Succeed in Life

What People Are Saying About Tim Elmore

No one teaches leadership better than Tim Elmore.

John Maxwell

bestselling author of more than 60 books

Tim Elmore is a great communicator. His material is relevant and helpful. I enjoyed his leadership teaching so much, I asked him to teach our entire staff.

Andy Stanley

founder and senior pastor,

North Point Community Church

In our desire to be engaged parents, we sometimes do our kids more harm than good. We want to put them in a safe box, tell them not to leave it, and believe that all will be well. Tims book inspires us to prepare our children for their adult lives, not our safe box! If we want them to thrive, weve got to equip them, and this book shows us how.

Jeremy Affeldt

pitcher, San Francisco Giants

Our best intentions as parents can often lead to a series of unintended consequences that could dangerously derail the emotional development of our children. Once again, Dr. Tim Elmore combines research-based wisdom and practical application to keep us on track as we strive to nurture, love, and lead our children well. Buy this book. Its destined to become the well-worn manual of every mom and dad.

Tami Heim

former president of Borders Books

CEO, Christian Leadership Alliance

As an educator and a student affairs practitioner with a background in mental health (and five children), I highly endorse this important perspective on parenting in todays culture. The world we live in is more complex than ever before. Parents and educators can highly benefit from this commonsense approach to the important tools of coaching, supporting, and challenging our youth to grow, to struggle, to learn, and to become the best people they can be.

Julie Talz Cox

director of residential life, Purdue University

The challenges of life dont get easier as our kids grow older. In 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid , Dr. Tim Elmore reminds us that leading well as parents is critical if we expect our children to meet these challenges in every phase of their lives. We must be intentional, now more than ever. This book shows us how to not merely care for our kids, but to help them care for themselves.

Dayton Moore

general manager, Kansas City Royals

When I first became a mom, I didnt really know what I didnt know. Like most parents, I learned valuable lessons from my mistakes. I wish I would have had Tims guidance to help me back then. His researched and thoughtful approach makes this book a valuable resource for parents and other adults involved in the lives of children. The problem isnt that we neglect our children, but that we fail to prepare for each new life stage. Once again, Tim Elmore lays out a diagnosis and a prescription for what caring adults can do to help children mature.

Jo Kirchner

president and CEO, Primrose Schools

As someone who teaches, advises, and researches college students, I found that 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid provides a relevant, practical framework for recognizing students needs, understanding my role in their development, and acknowledging the way I can unknowingly hinder their progress. I recommend this book to any educator, especially those who work with students in transition. The 12 research-based mistakes are actually guideposts, offering us a lens to see the potential of who and what kids can be. Tims voice is one of a mentor and a coachasking powerful questions and sharing practical advice to bring out the best in us so we can bring out the best in our students.

Kerry Priest

assistant professor, Kansas State University School of Leadership Studies

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover by Dugan Design Group, Bloomington, Minnesota

Cover photo PhotoInc / E+ / Getty Images

Published in association with the literary agency of Wolgemuth & Associates, Inc.

This book contains stories in which peoples names and some details of their circumstances have been changed to protect their identities.

12 HUGE MISTAKES PARENTS CAN AVOID

Copyright 2014 by Tim Elmore

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

ISBN 978-0-7369-5843-1 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-5844-8 (eBook)

All rights reserved. No part of this electronic publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The authorized purchaser has been granted a nontransferable, nonexclusive, and noncommercial right to access and view this electronic publication, and purchaser agrees to do so only in accordance with the terms of use under which it was purchased or transmitted. Participation in or encouragement of piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of authors and publishers rights is strictly prohibited.

Contents

Parents tend to think theyre doing well, but their neighborsnot so much.

When we remove the possibility of failure, we dilute kids motivation to excel.

When we project, kids are pressured to become someone they are not.

When happiness is the goal instead of a by-product, it is elusive and disappointing.

When we are inconsistent, we send mixed signals and breed insecurity and instability in kids.

When we remove consequences for actions, we fail to prepare kids for the future.

When we distort, disillusionment results from dreams that dont match kids gifts.

When we eliminate the struggle, kids are conditioned to give up easily without trying.

When we give them too much, they dont learn the art of working and waiting.

When we affirm kids looks or smarts instead of their virtues, their values become skewed.

When we take away pain, kids ability to endure hardship or loss atrophies.

When we do things for kids, they can become lazy, unmotivated to grow, and disabled.

When we prepare the path, kids childhoods work fine, but their adulthood looks bleak.

A new strategy for parenting, leading, teaching, and coaching our children.

A llow me to introduce myself so that you wont misinterpret my words.

This book arises from my deep compassion for children and the adults who care for them. I lead a nonprofit organization called Growing Leaders, and we are in front of about 50,000 students, faculty, and parents each year. I love each and every one I meet. In addition, I am a father of two kids, Jonathan and Bethany, whom I love very, very much.

I love the moms and dads I meet every year. Many of these parents are heroesespecially the single parents who have to be both the good cop and the bad cop at home with their children.

We are about to discuss some of the most common mistakes we parents make today as we raise our kids. What Ill say may come across harshly, as if I lack compassion. Please know that I say what I do because I care. Todays mistakes are a bit different from the most common mistakes moms and dads may have made 50 years ago. We are pressured to form certain habits that our culture defines as good parenting habits but that are not good at all. Call it parental peer pressure. It pushes us to do things for our kids that actually hinder them from becoming healthy adults.

Let me illustrate.

Bullying has become a big issue on K-12 school campuses. In fact, some parents are obsessed with it. In the fall of 2013, the topic surfaced when a high school football team beat another team 910. It was quite a blowout.