Bonnie Harris - When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It

Text copyright 2003 by Bonnie Harris

Illustrations copyright 2003 by Marty Kelley

All rights reserved.

Warner Books, Inc., Hachette Book Group USA, 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.

First eBook Edition: July 2008

ISBN: 978-0-446-54074-2

This book is dedicated to Casey and Molly, without whom I never would have found my path.

T his book emerged from several years of teaching these concepts in a parent education course originally called Defusing Your Buttons through The Parent Guidance Center. All of the parents in these groups have guided me and helped me clarify the material with each of their struggles and triumphs. Some of their stories are included in the book. Many previous courses with many more parents led to the creation of the Buttons course. I could not have developed the course or written the book without the commitment and willingness of all of these parents. To each and every one of you who has ever taken a course with me, I am truly grateful. Your desire to learn has helped me learn. I honor your courage, your willingness, and your determination to be the best parents you can be. I only wish I could list you all.

Ones whole life and experiences are cumulative players in a project like this. My gratitude must go way back. But for the sake of space, I will thank the more immediate players.

To Liz Broderick, Lee Burwell, Nancy Gorr and to every parent educator, staff member and board member of The Parent Guidance Center, I bless you for the dedication, wisdom, time, and guidance you have each given to The PGC, which has enabled me to be the teacher I needed to be instead of the administrator I never was meant to be.

To Mary MacDowell, I thank you for giving me the jump start I needed, the opportunity to know that I could indeed do this, and the faith that it was worth publishingalong with some good ideas that are included in the book.

I am filled with awe and gratitude at the incredible chain of events that so quickly led to the publication of this book. When I felt the need to get some professional help with my first draft, Polly Bannister led me to Susan Peery, who gave me editing guidance, strongly needed encouragement, and support, and a call in to Writers House. There I found my miraculous agent, Al Zuckerman, via Fay Greenfield, his assistant extraordinaire. A mere few days after sending the proposal to publishers, my editor, Amy Einhorn, read it, saw her daughter in a new light, and convinced Warner Books that it worked. Throughout the editing process, as Amy helped me get clearer with the book, the book helped Amy get clearer with her daughter. Amys guidance has been exactly what I needed. To all of you, I feel blessed by your attention and belief in me. Thank you for helping spread the message and for your conviction that yet another parenting book could make it.

To Frances Jalet-Miller, for your second pair of eyes, reassurance, and praise. Thanks for the reality check.

To Emi Battaglia and Chris Dao, for carrying the message on to greater heights.

To Cynthia West, Laura Scott, Pam Erdman, Jane LaRoche, Cleary Donovan, Kristin Miller, Amy Franzen, Chris Daisy, and Raye Lankeford for reading versions of the manuscript. Thank you for your time, support, and insightful suggestions.

To so many friends who have been supportive, helpful, and right there throughout the writing process including Annie Graves, Kin Schilling, and my wonderful womens group: Susan Knight, Polly Bannister, Chasey Usher, and Judy Orme. To Dennis Ferrill for helping me get the proposal off the ground. To Jan Miller for your guidance over the years, your good suggestions, and your love and support. To Sally Bones Jackson for refining and buffing my rough edges and lending her contacts. To Tricia Jalbert for believing in my work and connecting me with so many professionals in the field. To Irv Richardson for providing a critical piece of information. To Kraig Schwartz for giving me the right direction for the cartoons. And to Marty Kelley for making the cartoons a reality. And most especially to Libby Comeau and Jeri Robertson-Hanson for having faith in my voice and helping me to go as far as I can go.

To my wonderful children, Casey and Molly, I give you my undying love and gratitude for opening me up, teaching me the most valuable lessons of my life, and leading me in the direction I needed to go. Thank you for your encouragement, support, pride, and love. I admire you both so much.

But most of all, to my husband, Baxter Harris, who should strongly consider a career in editing. I give you my love and gratitude for bearing with me through each and every word, time after time. From the beginning, you have been my sounding board, my clarity gauge, my thesaurus, my diagram designer, and the gentle wielder of the ax. You helped me turn my concepts into understandable words. Thank you for your wholehearted belief in my work and for sustaining me with your love and support. I owe you one.

The stories in this book are true stories from the parents in my parent education classes. With their permission, I share them with you. Their names and some of the circumstances have been changed to protect their privacy.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Lifes longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot

visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

KAHLIL GIBRAN, The Prophet

But then, Ellie threw the sweater I had made for her across the kitchen, aimed right at me. It landed in the garbage can on top of a freshly discarded, sticky pancake. In less than a second, I found myself wishing I could tear her arms off. I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the garbage can. Youll wash that sweater yourself before you set foot out of this house, young lady, I shrieked an inch or two from her startled little face. Who was I, andmy godwhat had happened to me?

a normally well-balanced, loving mother who has just had her button pushed

N o! You do it, yelled not-yet three-year-old Jacob when his mother told him to clean up the milk she was sure he had deliberately spilled on the floor. Louise could feel her temperature rising.

You spilled it; you clean it up, she said with as much patience as she could muster.

No, its your job, Jacob jeered with that look that insinuated so what are you going to do now?

Louise felt a familiar rage rising up from her toes. She could not believe her little boy could taunt her like this. What a brat he is, she thought. How dare he disobey me. Everything in her background told her he should be punished. She automatically raised her hand, but caught herself. She saw Jacob flinch.

Separate the child from the problem. Dont blame the child, she remembered from her parenting class. She took a deep breath, then several more. Ill try it, she thought, convinced it would never work.

Okay, the milk has spilled, she said as if she were reading from Dick and Jane. You dont want to clean it up, and I dont want to clean it up. What should we do about it?

Jacobs whole body brightened. I know! he said as if he had the answer to win the prize. Lets call Sophie. She can lick it up, and Ill clean up the rest.