Forward - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

PART 1.

1. Godlike Parents
The Myth of the Perfect Parent

2. Just Because You Didnt Mean It Doesnt Mean It Didnt Hurt
The Inadequate Parents

3. Why Cant They Let Me Live My Own Life?
The Controllers

4. No One in This Family Is an Alcoholic
The Alcoholics

5. The Bruises Are All on the Inside
The Verbal Abusers

6. Sometimes the Bruises Are on the Outside, Too
The Physical Abusers

7. The Ultimate Betrayal
The Sexual Abusers

8. Why Do Parents Behave This Way?
The Family System

PART 2.

Sure, my father used to hit me, but he only did it to keep me in line. I dont see what that has to do with my marriage falling apart.

Gordon

G ordon, 38, a successful orthopedic surgeon, came to see me when his wife of six years left him. He was desperate to get her back, but she told him she wouldnt even consider coming home until he sought help for his uncontrollable temper. She was frightened by his sudden outbursts and worn down by his relentless criticism. Gordon knew he had a hot temper and that he could be a nag, but still he was shocked when his wife walked out.

I asked Gordon to tell me about himself and guided him with a few questions as he talked. When I asked him about his parents, he smiled and painted a glowing picture, especially of his father, a distinguished midwestern cardiologist:

If it werent for him, I wouldnt have become a doctor. Hes the best. His patients all think hes a saint.

I asked him what his relationship with his father was like now. He laughed nervously and said:

It was great until I told him I was thinking about going into holistic medicine. Youd think I wanted to be a mass murderer. I told him about three months ago, and now every time we talk he starts ranting about how he didnt send me to medical school to become a faith healer. It really got bad yesterday. He got upset and told me I should forget I was ever a part of his family. That really hurt. I dont know. Maybe holistic medicine isnt such a good idea.

While Gordon was describing his father, who was obviously not as wonderful as Gordon would have liked me to believe, I noticed that he began to clasp and unclasp his hands in a very agitated way. When he caught himself doing this, he restrained himself by placing his fingertips together in the way that professors often do at their desks. It seemed a gesture he might have picked up from his father.

I asked Gordon whether his father had always been so tyrannical.

No, not really. I mean, he yelled and screamed a lot, and I got spanked once in a while, like any other kid. But I wouldnt call him a tyrant.

Something about the way he said the word spanked, some subtle emotional change in his voice, struck me. I asked him about it. It turned out that his father had spanked him two or three times a week with a belt! It hadnt taken much for Gordon to incur a beating: a defiant word, a below-par report card, or a forgotten chore were all sufficiently venal crimes. Nor was Gordons father particular about where he beat his child; Gordon recalled being beaten on his back, his legs, his arms, his hands, and his buttocks. I asked Gordon how badly his father had physically hurt him.

G ORDON : I didnt bleed or anything. I mean, I turned out okay. He just needed to keep me in line.

S USAN : But you were scared of him, werent you?

G ORDON : I was scared to death, but isnt that the way its supposed to be with parents?

S USAN : Gordon, is that how youd want your children to feel about you?

Gordon avoided my eyes. This was making him extremely uncomfortable. I pulled my chair closer and continued gently:

Your wife is a pediatrician. If she saw a child in her office with the same marks on his body that you had on yours from one of your fathers spankings, would she be required by law to report it to the authorities?

Gordon didnt have to answer. His eyes filled with tears at the realization. He whispered:

Im getting a terrible knot in my stomach.

Gordons defenses were down. Though he was in terrible emotional pain, he had uncovered, for the first time, the primary, long-hidden source of his temper. He had been containing a volcano of anger against his father since childhood, and whenever the pressure got too great, he would erupt at whoever was handy, usually his wife. I knew what we had to do: acknowledge and heal the battered little boy inside of him.