Susan Forward - Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why

When Loving Hurts and You Dont Know Why
I always felt pretty good about the way I looked until Ed started cutting ads out of magazines. Hed tell me he wanted me to look more like this one or that one. I began to feel really unattractive. Hed say, Ive got a big meeting to handle this morning, so I need to have sex. It had nothing to do with me. I didnt dare run out of his cheese and special crackers and special wine because thered be hell to pay.

He humiliated me so often that it just became too painful to have friends over. I was ashamed for them to see me taking it. It was incredible how different I felt at work than I did at home. At work, people respected me, but the minute I walked in the front door I fell to pieces. When Jim is in a bad mood, I feel heat starting in my stomach and then spreading all over me. Its the worst thing Ive ever felt.

Its sheer terror. These women took back their lives from the men who were undermining theirhappiness. You can, too. Let this frank and compassionate guide show you how. This edition contains the complete textof the original hardcover edition NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED MEN WHO HATE WOMEN & THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM A Bantam BookBantam hardcover edition / September 1986Bantam mass market edition / June 1987Bantam trade paperback edition / January 2002All rights reserved. Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 85-48235. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any informationstorage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Bantam Books. eISBN: 978-0-307-79766-7 Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. eISBN: 978-0-307-79766-7 Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Its trademark, consisting of the words Bantam Books and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036. Excerpt from Toxic Parents copyright 1989 by Susan Forward. v3.1 For Wendy and MattContentsAcknowledgments There are several people whose efforts and support are an important part of this book.

My collaborator, Joan Torres, took my ideas and my passion to tell this story and skillfully gave them form and shape. Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, and Larry Goldman helped it all happen. Two treasured friends and colleagues gave unsparingly of their time and expertise. They are Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., and Arlene Drake, M.F.C.C. I can never thank them enough. My editor, Toni Burbank, was relentless in her pursuit of excellence and a great source of comfort and encouragement when I needed itwhich was often.

The friends and clients who gave me their stories must remain anonymous, but I bless them for their courage and their willingness to share their experiences. Finally, my deepest gratitude to the thousands of women who have written me or called me over the radio and have touched my heart. This book belongs to all of you. A Personal IntroductionNobody in his right mind would stay with someone in my condition. The onlyreason Jeff stays is because he loves me. When Nancy first came to see me she was sixty pounds overweight and had an ulcer.

She wore old, baggy jeans and a shapeless smock; her hair was stringy, her fingernails were bitten down to the quick, and her hands shook. When she had married Jeff, four years before, she had been a fashion coordinator for a major Los Angeles department store. In her work she had traveled through Europe and the Orient selecting designer clothes for the store. She had always dressed in the latest fashions and dated fascinating men; she had been written about in a number of articles on successful women in the Los Angeles areaand she had accomplished this before she was 30. Yet, when I first saw her, at age 34, she was so ashamed of how she looked and felt about herself that she seldom left home. The decline of Nancys self-esteem seemed to have begun when she married Jeff.

Yet, when I questioned her about her husband, she began with a long list of superlatives. Hes a wonderful man. Hes charming and witty and dynamic. Hes always doing little things for mehe sent me flowers to commemorate the anniversary of the first night wed made love. Last year he bought two surprise tickets to Italy for my birthday. She told me that Jeff, a busy and successful entertainment lawyer, always found time to spend with her, and that despite her current appearance he still wanted her along for all his business dinners and outings.

I used to love going out with him with his clients because wed still hold hands like high-school lovers. Im the envy of all my friends because of him. One friend said, Youve got the special one, Nancy. And I know he is. But look at me! I dont understand whats happened. I feel so low all the time.

Ive got to get myself back together or Im going to lose him. A man like Jeff doesnt have to lug around a wife like me. He can have anyone he wants, including movie stars. Im lucky hes hung in as long as he has. As I listened to Nancy and observed her appearance, I asked myself, Whats wrong with this picture? There was a basic contradiction here. Why would a competent and effective woman, in a loving relationship, get so ground down? What had happened to her in the four years of her marriage to make such a marked change in both her appearance and her sense of self-worth? I pressed her to tell me more about her relationship with Jeff, and bit by bit a fuller picture emerged.

I guess the only thing that really bothers me about him is how much he flies off the handle. What do you mean by fly off the handle? I asked. She laughed a little. He does what I call his King Kong imitation, yelling and making lots of noise. He also puts me down a lot, like he did the other night when we were having dinner with friends. He was talking about a play and I interjected something and he just snapped at me, Why dont you shut up? Then he said to our friends, Dont pay any attention to her.

Shes always got some stupid thing to say. I was so humiliated I felt like sinking into the upholstery. I could hardly swallow my food afterwards. Nancy began to cry as she recalled several other humiliating scenes in which Jeff had called her stupid, selfish, or thoughtless. When enraged, he would often yell at her, slam doors, and throw things. The more I questioned her, the clearer the picture became.

Here was a woman trying desperately to figure out how to please a husband who was often angry and intimidating as well as charming. Nancy said she often fell asleep long after he did with his cruel words stinging in her ears. During the day, she had fits of crying for no apparent reason. It was at Jeffs insistence that Nancy had quit her job when they married. Now she felt incapable of returning to her career. As she described it: Now I wouldnt even have the nerve to go on an interview, much less a buying trip.

I dont feel like I could make the decisions anymore because Ive lost confidence in myself. Jeff made all the decisions in their marriage. He insisted on total control of every aspect of their life together. He oversaw all spending, selected the people with whom they socialized, and even made decisions about what Nancy should do while he was at work. He derided her for any opinion she had that differed from his, and he yelled at her, even in public, whenever he was displeased. Any deviation on her part from the course he had set for them resulted in a hideous scene.