David Zinczenko - Men, Love & Sex: The Complete Users Guide for Women

NOTICE

This book is intended as a reference volume only, not as a medical manual. The information given here is designed to help you make informed decisions about your health. It is not intended as a substitute for any treatment that may have been prescribed by your doctor. If you suspect that you have a medical problem, we urge you to seek competent medical help.

SEX AND VALUES AT RODALE

We believe that an active and healthy sex life, based on mutual consent and respect between partners, is an important component of physical and mental well-being. We also respect that sex is a private matter and that each person has a different opinion of what sexual practices or levels of discourse are appropriate. Rodale is committed to offering responsible, practical advice about sexual matters, supported by accredited professionals and legitimate scientific research. Our goalfor sex and all other topicsis to publish information that empowers peoples lives.

Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book does not imply endorsement by the author or publisher, nor does mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities imply that they endorse this book, its author, or the publisher.

Internet addresses and telephone numbers given in this book were accurate at the time it went to press.

Names and some personal information were changed to protect the identities of the survey participants.

2006 by David Zinczenko

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Book design by Joe Heroun

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Zinczenko, David.

Men, love & sex : the complete users guide for women / David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker.

p. cm.

ISBN-13 9781594868658 ebook

ISBN-13 9781594865527 hardcover

ISBN-10 1594865523 hardcover

1. MenPsychology. 2. Man-woman relationships. 3. MenSexual behavior. I. Spiker, Ted. II. Title. III. Title: Men, love, and sex.

HQ1090.Z56 2006

306.7dc22

2006020889

This book is dedicated to the thousands of men

who shared their innermost thoughts, feelings,

and desires with us. Heres to them, and to the thousands of women

who may come to love them even more because of it.

M Y DEEPEST THANKS to the extraordinarily talented, hard-working and dedicated people who have supported me, encouraged me, and inspired me. In particular:

Steve Murphy, whose courage and commitment to editorial quality have made Rodale Inc. the best publishing company in the world to work for.

The Rodale family, without whom none of this would be possible.

Ben Roter, whom I want to be when I grow up.

Ted and Liz Spiker, the worlds best coauthor and his unerringly patient wife.

Stephen Perrine, the wisest consigliere any boss could ever have. Thanks for helping me live the best life.

Paige Nelson, the most admirable Nelson Ive ever met.

Nicole Beland, whose wit and insight informed this book just as it has informed millions of Mens Health readers.

Fotoulla Euripidou and Emily McKeen, who designed the exclusive survey that pried open the thousands of tight-lipped men and women and got them to spill their guts.

Joe Heroun, a visual artist who has as much respect for words as he does for images.

The entire Mens Health editorial staff, the smartest and hardest-working group of writers, editors, researchers, designers, and photo directors in the industry.

A big shout-out to Liz Perl, Leigh Haber, Katrina Weidknecht, Kelly Schmidt, Sara Cox, Jennifer Giandomenico, Jackie Dornblaser, and everyone else who worked so hard and so fast to publish this book.

My brother, Eric, whose beautiful family is an inspiration to me.

My mother, Janice, who raised two of us nearly single-handedly. Your strength and kindness guide my every action.

My dad, Bohdan, who left this world way too early. I wish you were still here.

My uncle, Denny Stanz, the picture of youthfulness.

My stepmother, Mickey. Ditto.

And special thanks to: Dan Abrams, Jeff Anthony, Jeff Beacher, Matt Bean, Mary Ann Bekkedahl, Mark Bricklin, Michael Bruno, Marianne Butler, Adam Campbell, Monika Chiang, Jeff Csatari, Jack Essig, Jessica Guff, Jon Hammond and Karen Mazzotta, Erin Hobday, Samantha Irwin, George Karabotsos, Elaine Kaufman, Cindi Leive, Charlene Lutz, Mandy and Raina, Vincent Maggio, Matt Marion, Sandra Matthiessen, Paul McGinley, Peter Moore, Jeff Morgan, Sarah Peters, John Phelan, Bill Phillips, Richard and Sessa, Scott Quill, Amy Rosenblum, Eric Sacks, David Schipper, Robin Shallow, Larry Shire, Joyce Shirer, Rachel Sklar, Bill Stanton, Bill Stump, John Tayman, Pat and Steve Toomey, Marc Victor, and Kate White. Thanks for all the rock-solid advice and assistance. You guys rule.

The Complete Users Guide for Women

W HAT IS IT WITH MEN, ANYWAY?

Chances are youve spent more than your share of long nights on the phone, or hunched over coffee, or tossing back a margarita or two with your girlfriends, asking that very question.

And chances are, your girlfriends nodded and shrugged and sympathized, knowing exactly how you feltthat men are complex, confusing conundrums, riddles wrapped around enigmas and shrouded in beer and baseball stats.

Why dont men open up? Why do you sometimes feel that getting a guy to talk about his feelings requires a combination of hypnosis, psychic powers along with maybe the Jaws of Life?

Ill admit, theres some truth to these stereotypessometimes we guys are better at expressing our feelings for the Dominos delivery man than we are at expressing our feelings for you. And no doubt sometimes we do greet your postcoital nuzzlings with hearty snores. But the truth is, our goals and desires are a lot more aligned with yours than you might think. And the fact is that when a woman understands what a man truly wantswell, only then can she make him understand what she truly wants. And deep down, he wants more than anything to satisfy her.

In other words, all this ought to be a walk in the park. But somehow, weve turned that park into a minefield.

Its easy to fall back on the timeless he-versus-she arguments about the differences between men and womenwhat we want from each other, what we want out of love, what we want in relationships. But the problem isnt in what we want; its in