Susan Forward - 30 July

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I told my husband I was going to take a class one night a week and he went ballistic in that quiet way of his. Do whatever you want, you always do anyway, he told me, but dont expect me to be waiting for you when you get home. Im always there for you; why cant you be there for me? I knew his argument didnt make sense, but it made me feel so selfish. I asked for my registration fee back. L IZ

I was planning to spend Christmas traveling with my wife, a vacation wed been looking forward to for months. I called my mom to tell her the news that wed finally gotten the tickets, and she almost started to cry. But what about Christmas dinner? she said. You know everyone always gets together for the holiday. If you go on that trip instead of coming, youll ruin the holiday for everyone. How can you do this to me? How many Christmases do you think I have left? So of course I gave in. My wifes going to kill me, but I dont see how I could enjoy a vacation while Im buried under all that guilt.T OM

I went in to tell my boss that I had to have help or a more realistic deadline on a big project Im doing. As soon as I mentioned that I really needed some relief, he started on me. I know how much you want to get home to your family, he said, but even though they miss you now, you know theyll appreciate that promotion weve been considering you for. We need a team player with real dedication for that jobthats what I thought you were. But go ahead. Spend more time with the kids. Just remember that if those are your priorities, we might have to reconsider our plans for you. I felt totally blindsided. Now I dont know what to do. K IM

Whats going on here? Why do certain people leave us thinking Ive lost again. I always give in. I didnt say what I was really feeling. Why cant I ever get my point across? How come I can never stand up for myself? We know weve been had. We know we feel frustrated and resentful, and we know weve given up what we want to please someone else, but we just dont know what to do about it. Why is it that some people are able to emotionally overpower us, leaving us feeling defeated?

The people were coming up against in these cant-win situations are skillful manipulators. They swathe us in a comforting intimacy when they get what they want, but they frequently wind up threatening us in order to get their way, or burying us under a load of guilt and self-reproach when they dont. It may seem as though they map out ways to get what they want from us, but often theyre not even aware of what theyre doing. In fact, many can appear sweet or long-suffering and not threatening at all.

Generally, its one particular persona partner, a parent, a sibling, a friendwho manipulates us so consistently that we seem to forget everything we know about being effective adults. Though we may be skilled and successful in other parts of our lives, with these people we feel bewildered, powerless. Theyve got us wrapped around their little fingers.

Take my client Sarah, a court reporter. Sarah, a vivacious brunette, has been seeing a builder named Frank for almost a year. A close couple in their 30s, they got along welluntil the subject of marriage came up. Then, said Sarah, his whole demeanor toward me changed. He seemed to want me to prove myself. It all became clear one weekend when Frank invited her up for a romantic weekend at his cabin in the mountains. When we arrived, the place was full of tarps and paint cans, and he handed me a brush. I didnt know what else to do, so I painted. They worked, mostly in silence, all day, and when they finally sat down to rest, Frank pulled out a huge diamond engagement ring.

I asked him, Whats going on? Sarah said, and he said he needed to know that I was a good sport, that I would pitch in and not expect him to do everything in the marriage. Of course, that wasnt the end of the story.

We set a date and everything, but we went up and down like a yo-yo. He kept giving me gifts, but he also kept testing me. If I didnt want to go take care of his sisters kids one weekend, he said I didnt have a strong sense of family and maybe we should think about calling off the wedding. Or if I talked about expanding my business, it meant I wasnt really committed to him. So of course I put that on hold. It went on and on, with me always giving in. But I kept telling myself what a great guy he was and that maybe he was scared of getting married and just needed to feel more secure with me.

Franks threats were quiet, yet they were powerfully effective because they alternated with a closeness enticing enough to obscure what was really going on. And like most of us, Sarah kept coming back for more.

She gave in to Franks manipulations because, in the moment, making him happy seemed to make sensethere was so much at stake. Like so many of us, Sarah felt resentful and frustrated at Franks threats, but she justified her capitulation to them in the name of peace.

In such relationships, we keep our focus on the other persons needs at the expense of our own, and we relax into the temporary illusion of safety weve created for ourselves by giving in. Weve avoided conflict, confrontationand the chance of a healthy relationship.

Maddening interactions like these are among the most common causes of friction in almost every relationship, yet theyre rarely identified and understood. Often these instances of manipulation get labeled miscommunication. We tell ourselves, Im operating from feelings and hes operating from intellect or Shes just coming from a different mind-set. But in reality, the source of friction isnt in communication styles. Its more in one person getting his or her way at the expense of another. These are more than simple misunderstandingstheyre power struggles.

Over the years Ive searched for a way to describe these struggles and the troubling cycle of behavior they lead to, and Ive found that people almost universally respond with a charge of recognition when I tell them that what were talking about here is pure and simple blackmailemotional blackmail.

I realize that the term blackmail is one that conjures up sinister images of criminals, fear and extortion. Certainly its difficult to think of your husband, your parents, your boss, your siblings or your children in that context. Yet Ive found that blackmail is the only term that accurately describes whats going on. The very sharpness of the word helps us pierce the denial and confusion that cloud so many relationships, and doing that brings us to clarity.

Let me reassure you: Just because theres emotional blackmail in a close relationship doesnt mean its doomed. It simply means that we need to honestly acknowledge and correct the behavior thats causing us pain, putting these relationships back on a more solid foundation.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL?

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we dont do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you dont behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a persons past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secrets. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they wont get their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance.

Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make us feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself on being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you dont accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior.