Susan Forward - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Many people made significant contributions to this work:

Craig Buck, a dedicated and talented writer, gave form to the story I wanted to tell.

Nina Miller, M.F.C.C., a gifted therapist, gave unstintingly of her time, her knowledge, and her support. She is also the most loyal friend anyone could have.

Marty Farash, M.F.C.C., was tremendously generous with his expertise in family systems.

My wonderful editor, Toni Burbank, was, as always, insightful, sensitive, and understanding. I couldnt have asked for a calmer guide through my stormier creative moments.

Linda Grey, President and Publisher of Bantam Books who believed in me and my work from the beginning.

My gratitude is endless to the clients, friends, and others who trusted me with their most intimate feelings and secrets so that other people could be helped. I cannot name them, but they know who they are.

My children, Wendy and Matt, and my friendsespecially Dorris Gathrid, Don Weisberg, Jeanne Phillips, Basil Anderman, Lynn Fischer, and Madeline Cainare my personal rooting section, and I love them all dearly.

My stepfather, Ken Peterson, for his encouragement and many kindnesses to me.

And finally, I want to thank my mother, Harriet Peterson, for her love and support and for having the courage to change.

Other Books by This Author

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them

Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and
Betrayal

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Money Demons

Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York: Harper/Hazeldon, 1987.

Black, Claudia. It Will Never Happen to Me. Denver: M.A.C. Publishers, 1982.

Bowen, Murray. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson, 1978.

Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Pompano Beach: Health Communications Inc. 1988.

Clarke, Jean Illsley. Self-esteem: A Family Affair. Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1978.

Forward, Susan, and Craig Buck. Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation (revised edition). New York: Viking Penguin, 1988.

Fossum, Merle A., and Marilyn J. Mason. Facing Shame: Families in Recovery. New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 1986.

Halpern, Howard M. Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents. New York: Bantam Books, 1978.

Herman, Judith. Father-Daughter Incest. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1982.

Kempee, C. H. The Battered Child. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1980.

Miller, Alice. For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing and the Roots of Violence. New York: Farrar Straus Giroux, 1983.

Miller, Alice. Prisoners of Childhood. New York: Basic Books, 1981.

Weissberg, Michael, M.D. Dangerous Secrets: Maladaptive Responses to Stress. New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 1983.

Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within. Pompano Beach: Health Communications Inc., 1987.

Woititz, Janet Geringer. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Pompano Beach: Health Communications Inc., 1983.

Read on for an excerpt from Susan Forwards

Men Who Hate Women and the
Women Who Love Them

| The Most Romantic
Man in the World

I ts the Rodgers and Hammerstein way to fall in love. You see him across a crowded room, your eyes meet, and that certain thrill surges through you. Your palms grow damp when he stands near you; your heart beats faster; everything in your body seems to be more alive. This is the dream of happiness, sexual fulfillment, and completion. This man will appreciate and be responsive to you. Just being near him is exciting and wonderful. When it happens its overpowering. Weve come to call it romantic love.

Rosalind was 45 when she met Jim. She is a striking woman, tall, with auburn hair and a trim figure, which she works hard to keep in shape. She has a distinctive style of dressing that shows off her height and her artistic flair. She owns an antique shop and is a successful dealer, collector, and appraiser of advertising art, which is her specialty. Rosalind was married twice before and has a grown son. She was excited about meeting Jim because shed heard so much about him from her friends. They took her to hear him play with a local jazz group. Afterward, when the four of them went out for a drink, Rosalind felt very drawn to Jim, who was tall, dark, and extremely good-looking.

Jim and I were very attracted to each other. We talked about kids and music. He told me hed been married before and that his two kids lived with him. I was impressed with that. He was interested in hearing about my antique shop because he was doing some furniture refinishing and was interested in the market in general. He asked me if he could see me again the next night. When the check came, I could see he didnt have much money, so I volunteered to make us dinner at my place for our next date. He took my hand and squeezed it and just caught my eyes with his for a moment. I could tell he was grateful that Id understood his position.

The next day I thought about him constantly, and when he came over that night it was wonderful. After dinner I put on the music to A Star Is Born, being the romantic nut that I am, and so there we were, dancing to this music in my living room; hes holding me so close and the world is just spinning around me. Heres this man who really likes me, whos strong, whos willing to work on a relationship. All this stuff is flashing through my mind while Im floating away with him, feeling so terrific. It was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me.

Jim was 36 when he met Rosalind. He was as carried away as she was by their romance; she was the woman hed been looking for all his life. As he later told me:

She was beautiful and had a figure that wouldnt quit. She had her own business and was making a go of it by herself. Shed raised her son and seemed to have done a good job of that. Id never met anyone like her. She was outgoing and bubbly and enthusiastic about everything I was doing with my life, even about my kids. She was perfect. I started calling all my friends to tell them about her. I even called my mother. I tell you, I never felt like that before. I never thought about anyone so much or dreamed about them all the time like I dreamed about her. I mean, this was really different.