Susan Newman - Nobodys Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father

Nobody's Baby Now

REINVENTING YOUR ADULT

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR

MOTHER AND FATHER

Susan Newman, Ph.D.

A s a child, your relationship with your parents was relatively straightforward: You were told what to do and how to do it, and for the most part, you did it. Now that you are a grown-up, the relationship is far more layered and complex because you have clear options, many more than you may think, to direct the course of the relationship with even the most difficult parents.

Unfortunately, my mother and I had only a few years to interact as adult child and parent, to become friends, before she died. My father, on the other hand, lived a long time, but his death made me wonder if I had made the most of our relationship. After he died, I watched friends interact with their parents and noticed that when parents and adult children related more as peers, the relationships were richer and seemed to flourish; those in it were happier and genuinely enjoyed each other. In contrast, when the childhood regime with mother and father exerting their power remained installed, the likelihood of disagreement and estrangement rode near the surface, erupting far too frequently.

Why then doesn't every family have, or at least strive for, a more equitable balance of power once the children are grown up? And how' do adults with a peer-peer bond with their parents achieve it? As a social psychologist, I was drawn to these questions, and they became the basis of a two-year research study. Almost all of the adult children-parent studies and books center on parents'points of view; those from the offsprings' points of view tend to look at subjects relating to caring for aging parents or coping with dysfunction resulting from alcoholism or abuse. It was time to find out what adult children think about relationships with their healthy, independent parentswhat they hope for from the relationship, how they deal with their parents' shortcomings, and how they move the relationship in the direction they want it to go.

I interviewed adult children about their relationships with their parents and made note of when, why, and how these people faltered or triumphed, how they released themselves from unchanging, frustrating parent-child struggles. The 150 adults I interviewed formally were between the ages of twenty-seven and fifty-five, and the others I observed or talked to informally all had at least one living parent who was financially independent and living on his or her own. To protect everyone's privacy, all names and identifying characteristics have been changed. These men and women hold jobs that span a wide spectrumfrom affluent attorneys and stockbrokers to graphic designers, physical therapists, and carpenters. Interestingly, it didn't matter what a person's socioeconomic level wasconcerns about and issues with parents were strikingly similar. Similarities held among heterosexuals and homosexuals, single and married people, as well as among those with or without children.

From this broad picture it became clear that not only do your and your parents' historiestogether and apartplay a key role in the relationship you have now, but also that sisters and brothers from the same family navigate the course in their own unique ways. I found adult children who operateor angrily cooperatewith their parents as if they were still fifteen-year-olds, others who are parenting their parents too soon, and still others who dismiss their parents, though unwillinglyseemingly lost about how to rectify what they perceive to be untenable and irreparable situations.

You'll read intensely personal histories, and undoubtedly recognize a familiar parent typean intrusive mother, a domineering or overprotective father, a parent who is uncommunicative or one who is too stubborn. You will witness familiar scenarios as wellholiday conflicts, sibling favoritism, manipulation through parental money, a lack of warmth and affection, a parent's need to be "right," and many, many more. You'll gain insight into the dynamics of your own family and make discoveries that may never have occurred to you, things that will clarify what you may not have understood about your parents. Personal accounts from adult children demonstrate how to take advantage of similar interests and how to meet on a new, neutral field, how to build on childhood experiences, and how to turn a thorny relationship into a fulfilling one.

Overwhelmingly, most adult children feel fully vested in their relationships with their parents and have a strong desire to enhance or get more out of the bond. From the lives of those who volunteered their stories, I culled simple everyday schemes, methods, and scenarios that worked for them, and that can show you how to overcome difficulties with your parents, circumvent most obstacles, and emulate the successes. You will gain understanding of your parents, acquire the confidence to know what you want from them, and be able to ask for it in much the same way you would approach and ask a friend. A clear model of friendship developed from the research, with many of the elements and tools people use to establish and maintain peer friendships. The Friendship Model, discussed in chapter 12, will be useful as you transform your parent into a peer.