Gary Chapman - How to Really Love Your Adult Child: Building a Healthy Relationship in a Changing World

Gary Chapman, PhD &
Ross Campbell, MD

how to
really LOVE
your
ADULT Child

BUILDING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
IN A CHANGING WORLD

NORTHFIELD PUBLISHING
CHICAGO

2011 edition by R OSS C AMPBELL and G ARY C HAPMAN

Previously published as Parenting Your Adult Child
1999 by
R OSS C AMPBELL
and G ARY C HAPMAN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, and 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

2011 edition edited by Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse
Cover and interior design: Smartt Guys design
Cover image: Stephen W. Morris / iStock
Gary Chapman photo: Alysia Grimes Photography/Ross Campbell photo: Boyce Shore & Associates

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Campbell, Ross, 1936
How to really love your adult child : building a healthy relationship in a
changing world / Ross Campbell & Gary Chapman.
p. cm.
Rev. ed. of: Parenting your adult child : how you can help them achieve
their full potential. c1999.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-8024-6851-2 (alk. paper)
1. Parent and adult child. 2. Adult childrenFamily relationships. 3.
Parenting. 4. ParentingReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Chapman, Gary
D., 1938- II. Campbell, Ross, 1936- Parenting your adult child. III. Title.
HQ755.86.C353 2011
306.8740844dc22

2010048994

Moody Publishers is committed to caring wisely for Gods creation and uses recycled paper whenever possible. The paper in this book consists of 30 percent post-consumer waste.

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To my wonderful children,
Carey, David, and Dale.
You have been my best teachers
during your growth to adulthood,
and you have shown me the wonder of parenthood.

To Shelley and Derek,
my children,
my friends!

W hen many of us were growing up, it was simply assumed that young people would go forth to make their fortune in the world. Many, if not most, in the Builder and Boomer generations had a deep desire to do just that. The world was our oyster, calling us and welcoming us to find new frontiers and make our mark. We sallied forth with eagerness, confident that we knew what was expected of us and that we could meet those expectations.

Things are different now. Life is less orderly, change is rampant, and the future more difficult to anticipate. We no longer live in a society of shared values, and ideological conflict is increasing. Our basic institutions that once provided stability are under attack and struggling to survive. Young people are very aware of the instability, and many of them feel anxious and pessimistic and want to extend the transition to adulthood and independence. And we as parents of adult children wonder, at times, what to do.

If youre a parent of an adult child, perhaps youre experiencing some of those shocks, adjustments, and, at times, pleasures of relating to your adult children. Gary remembers the first time he became aware of how adult children can bring their parents great joy or tremendous pain. He had left the airport in Charlotte, heading home on Interstate 85, when he decided to surprise his daughter at Davidson College, just off exit 123.

I knew that she might not be in her dorm room, but it seemed a shame to be so close and not at least try. As I climbed the stairs to her third floor dormitory room, my heart was racing, not so much from the climb as from anticipation of surprising Shelley. If she is not in, I reasoned, I can at least leave a note on the door and she would know that I was thinking about her.

Gary found his efforts rewarded when he knocked on the door. She opened the door and said, Dad! She and her friend Lisa were studying for an exam. I hugged them both, chatted for fifteen minutes, hugged them both again, slipped Shelley a twenty-dollar bill, and made my exit.

Only fifteen minutes, but that brief encounter filled my mind with memories and emotions over the next hour as I resumed my drive home. I remembered her as a baby, always smilingwell, almost always. I visualized her as a three-year-old riding her tricycle in the Texas sun while I was in graduate school. I remembered kindergarten, first grade, and her eagerness to learn. I remembered all those years, including the day she was ten and announced to the family that when she grew up she was going to be a doctor and help people. Now at twenty, there she was in college, enrolled in Davidsons premedical major, pursuing her dream. I confess that I could not hold back the tears of joy.

After dinner, Garys wife, Karolyn, joined him at a family enrichment group at their church. A few parents talked about their experiences and present situations. One fathers words to the group remain vivid:

Our twenty-three-year-old son, Shawn, is in prison for selling drugs. We visited with him this afternoon and our hearts are heavy. On the one hand, we tend to blame ourselves. I do especially because I was so busy when he was growing up; I feel that I didnt spend enough time with him. On the other hand, we know that the choices he made were his own; but whoever bears the blame, the bottom line is it hurts to see him in prison.

As we write this book, we are aware that your adult children can bring tremendous joy or terrible pain. We write this book for you: parents of adult children and soon-to-be parents of young adult children. For more than thirty years, each of us has invested our professional lives in helping individuals and families cope with the stresses of contemporary life Ross as a psychiatrist specializing in child and family practice, and Gary as a marriage and family counselor, and as a minister. We write from our involvement with hundreds of families over the years and also from experience with our own families. Along with our wives, we have raised our own children to adulthood: Ross has two married sons and one married daughter; Gary has a son and daughter, both married.

We are aware that there are thousands of Shelleys and Shawns; some have followed their dreams, and some have lost their way. As parents and counselors, we have seen parents facing increasing problems in preparing their children for adulthood. Later, as parents of adult children, they face additional challenges with their grown sons and daughters. To those parents, we desire to offer words of comfort and challenge.

This book is concerned with understanding the events of todayand yesteryearthat made this wonderful generation what they have become. We also will look at how parents can adjust and respond to adult children at home, such as the adult child who lives at home during college or while starting a job (or stays home for some other reason) and those children who return home years later.