M. D. Bey - Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

Copyright 2007 by Douglas Bey and Deborah Bey

First M. Evans edition 2007

This M. Evans paperback edition of Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic is an original publication. It is published by arrangement with the author.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

Published by M. Evans

An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

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Estover Road, Plymouth PL6 7PY, United Kingdom

Distributed by NATIONAL BOOK NETWORK

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bey, Douglas, 1938

Loving an adult child of an alcoholic / Douglas Bey and Deborah Bey.1st ed.

p cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-59077-117-4 (pbk. : alk. paper)

ISBN-10: 1-59077-117-6 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Adult children of alcoholicsPsychology. 2. AlcoholicsFamily relationships. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Bey, Deborah, 1951 II. Title.

HV5132.B49 2007

362.2924dc22

2006102388

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Manufactured in the United States of America.

To adult children of alcoholics
and those who love them
we hope you will be
as happy as we have been.

We want to thank Dr. Claudia Black, who inspired us to write this book. She was kind enough to read our manuscript, make helpful suggestions and endorse it. We have recommended her books to our patients for years and appreciate the help she has given to thousands of individuals through her lectures and writing.

We would like to thank our patients and their families who have shared with us their experiences and the stories of their relationships. The material they provided has been disguised to protect their privacy.

Thanks to our literary agent, Bert Krages, for his support and guidance through the process of writing and publishing this book. He not only did his job as an agent but also threw in a little counseling as well. When Dr. Bey complained to Bert about the length of time it took to get a book published, Bert responded, Yes, publishing takes a long timeit is not like the immediate results you are used to in psychiatry.

The staff at Rowman & Littlefield deserve special thanks for their assistance in producing this book and for putting up with two old novice writers like us. Some of the Rowman & Littlefield team who were especially helpful to us include Rick Rinehart, Katherine Smith, Dulcie Wilcox, Bridgette Moore, and Gail Fay.

We want to thank Linda Tippey, LCPC, who helped both of us remember our childhood experiences and the behavioral patterns we developed to cope with them. She introduced Deborah to the concept of adult children of alcoholics, and Deborah, in turn, educated Dr. Bey.

Special thanks to Our Lady of PATH Karen Zangerle, for her suggestions, corrections, and input; Lisa Bower, for reviewing the document and giving us the benefit of her experience and wisdom; Garold Bud Cole, for his expertise and input; Jerry Parsons, for his help and advice; Sally Kinsell, for her willingness to read the book and share her insights with us; and Sally Lamb and Gene Naden, for giving us some helpful feedback to improve the book. Dr. Gabriel Telot has been our mentor, friend, and member of the family for more than forty-five years. We thank him for his support and guidance as well.

Wendy Rosendale and Vicky Scott run our psychiatric office and provide special care to our patients and their families. Gene Peterson, MA, MDiv; Dr. Karen Mark; Naomi Wilansky, LCSW; and Nancy Peterson, LCSW, are all independent practitioners working in our office providing excellent care to patients.

We want to acknowledge our wonderful grandchildren: Keslie Ward, Audrey White, Kyle Ward, Andy White, and little Rachel White. We also want to recognize our children: Cathy and Dan Ward, Barbara and Bill White, Sarah Bey, Matthew Bey, and our godson, Alvis Martin. We have not been perfect parents or grandparents, but, despite our shortcomings, our children and their children have turned out to be unique, outstanding individuals. We love you and are very proud of you.

Thanks once more to Greg, Chuck, Eddie, Mary Jo, Mike, Cindy, Trish, Winnie, Roy, Beverly, and all of the gang at Jims Steak House, who have cheered us on and been our friends over the years.

Finally, we want to thank our patients and their significant others who read copies of the manuscript for this book and found it helpful. We hope that the book, in its final form, will be as well received and as useful to adult children and their partners outside of our practice.

Win the Heart of an ACOA, Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler!

ANONYMOUS

We have worked with adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) and their significant others throughout our professional careers. Together, we have over seventy years of clinical experience working directly with these patients. Deborah Bey is an adult child. She read the ACOA literature and went through therapy prior to meeting and marrying Dr. Bey. She trained at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis and was the head nurse on a hospital chemical-dependency unit for a number of years. She later worked in a multidisciplinary private psychiatric group practice with Dr. Bey, where she counseled adult children on an individual and group basis.

Several members of Dr. Beys family suffer from affective illness. He trained at the Menninger Clinic, then served in the Army for two years before starting his private, multidisciplinary practice of psychiatry. He has worked with many adult children and their partners over the years. Dr. Bey is a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association; has served as a board examiner for the American Board of Neurology and Psychiatry for many years; and was past president of his county medical society, his hospital medical staff, and his county board of health. Hes published a number of scientific papers as well as Wizard 6, the recently released memoir of his year as division psychiatrist in Vietnam.

Throughout our years of counseling adult children, we have recommended that ACOAs, and those who are in relationships with them, read the ACOA literature to help them learn the patterns of behavior they developed to survive as children in an alcoholic home and to understand how these patterns affect their adult relationships. The book we have most frequently suggested is Claudia Blacks It Will Never Happen to Me. However, it was frequently the spouse or non-ACOA who brought the couple in for treatment because he or she was unable to understand the adult childs seemingly irrational behavior in the relationship. Nearly 20 percent of the population of the United States has an alcoholic parent and most of these individuals are involved in some sort of a relationship. As a result, we attempted to find a book to offer to persons who were in a relationship with an adult child but were unsuccessful. We contacted Claudia Black for a recommendation, and she said that she wasnt aware of a good book devoted to this topic and suggested that we write one. This was the conception of