Jim Burns - Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

CONTENTS

If you have kids and theyre grown up, or you think they might grow up, you gotta get this book. This is center-cut wisdom and prime guidance.

JOHN ORTBERG, senior pastor, Menlo Church; author, Eternity Is Now in Session

If you have adult children (or you are about to), dont miss out on this timely message. Its inspirational, grounded, and immeasurably practical. We cant recommend it enough.

DRS. LES AND LESLIE PARROTT, authors, New York Times bestselling Saving Your Marriage before It Starts

Jim Burns lives where you and I do. I love his practical, common-sense but biblical counsel. And he has a sense of humor to help us in the tough spots.

RUTH GRAHAM, author, In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart

Relating to adult children can be one of lifes greatest challenges. For all who are looking for practical help, this book is a must read.

GARY CHAPMAN, author, The Five Love Languages

In his latest book, Jim Burns offers practical, down-to-earth wisdom for the mom or dad who wants to journey through this transition in a healthy, biblically based way.

JIM DALY, president, Focus on the Family

Jim Burns provides great solutions at several levels: engaging and vulnerable stories, biblical principles, and specific skills. You will change the way you relate to your adult kids for the better.

DR. JOHN TOWNSEND, bestselling author; founder, The Townsend Institute of Leadership and Counseling

Jim Burns never ceases to amaze me. Yet another practical, encouraging book that you will turn to repeatedly to help you better love, listen to, and laugh with your young adult children.

KARA POWELL, executive director, The Fuller Youth Institute; coauthor, Growing With

Healthy family relationships are the pearls of life; this book will help you not only to discover that but also to recover what may have gotten lost along the way.

DR. WAYNE CORDEIRO, president, New Hope Christian College

This helpful, practical, and at times profoundly insightful book will help you either save or build your relationship with your grown children. Youll be immensely grateful you read it.

CAREY NIEUWHOF, founding pastor, Connexus Church, Canada; author, Didnt See It Coming

ALSO BY JIM BURNS

Confident Parenting

Creating an Intimate Marriage

10 Building Blocks for a Solid Family

Closer (with Cathy Burns)

Understanding Your Teen

Pass It On

The Purity Code

Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality

God Made Your Body (childrens book)

How God Makes Babies (childrens book)

Getting Ready for Marriage (with Doug Fields)

The First Few Years of Marriage (with Doug Fields)

Faith Conversations for Families

ZONDERVAN

Doing Life with Your Adult Children

Copyright 2019 by Jim Burns

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

ISBN 978-0-310-35377-5 (softcover)

ISBN 978-0-310-35776-6 (audio)

ISBN 978-0-310-35379-9 (ebook)

Epub Edition February 2019 9780310353799

Any internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

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Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version). Copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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Cover design: Brand Navigation

Cover photos: iStock / Shutterstock

Interior design: Denise Froehlich

Printed in the United States of America

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To Randy and Susan Bramel

Thank you for your inspiration and mentorship

in my life. Thank you for your leadership

at HomeWord. Most of all, thank you for

being the transitional generation for your

children and your childrens children.

T wo key experiences compelled me to write Doing Life with Your Adult Childrenone at a Christian leadership conference and another in a series of focus groups.

My good friends Dan and Pam Chun, who lead HIM (Hawaiian Island Ministries), asked me to speak on Parenting Your Adult Child at their annual leadership conference in Honolulu. I must admit, as much as I love Dan and Pam, I laughed and said, I have nothing to offer on the subject of parenting an adult child, and frankly, Cathy and I desperately need to attend that seminar. But the Chuns refused to take no for an answer, and I finally agreed to develop a seminar for the conference.

I opened my session with these words: If you are anything like me, being the parent of an adult child is probably much more complicated than you ever imagined. Most of us have adult childrenwhich is a bit of an oxymoronwho have violated our values and chosen a different path than we would have chosen for them. The crowd groaned in pained recognition. I have never had a reaction like that before. It seemed that nearly everyone at the seminar was navigating a complex story and living with mixed feelings about being a parent of an adult child. After the seminar, I knew Id hit a nerve when I spent two and a half hours listening to one story of difficulty after another.

A few years after the seminar in Honolulu, HomeWord held seven focus groups with parents of adult children. Our goal was to listen to parents and hear their felt needs. In six of the seven focus groups, at least one parent broke down and cried. Although not every participant was brokenhearted, I heard many painful stories of adult children who were violating family values and faith, cohabitating, struggling with addictions, divorcing, experiencing gender confusion, suffering financial complications, or failing to launch. These parents were filled with confusion, shock, and other painful emotions. Some blamed themselves, while others blamed spouses, ex-spouses, or the corrupting influence of contemporary culture. After experiencing the intense emotions and extreme interest of those in the focus groups, I knew my experience in Honolulu had not been a fluke. I needed to write this book.