Jim Burns - Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality: A Biblical Approach to Preparing Them for Life

CHAPTER THREE
Helping Your Kids Set
Standards

Rachel was a boy-crazy ninth grader whose cell phone seemed connected to her ear. She really hadnt ever had a boyfriendat least not a serious relationshipbut she fell hard for Ryan. He was a year older. Even her parents thought he was a hunk. Ryan was a fringe kid in Rachels youth group. Once, while on a youth group outing, Rachel strayed away with Ryan. They started kissing. The next thing she knew, he was unbuttoning her top. She was petrified, but he kept going, and she froze from stopping him. That night Rachel and Ryan did everything but have sexual intercourse.

Before that night, Rachel certainly had thought about sex from time to time, but she had never thought about setting standards or limits; she didnt think she would ever be in a compromising situation. Her parents hadnt talked to her much about relationships. They were busy with work, home, church, and basically trying to get through each day intact. Her father teased her about boys and her mother told her to be careful because all boys have only one thing on their minds. That was about the extent of the information she got on relationships from her parents. They definitely had never talked with her about how far was too far. Her youth worker had done some teaching on sexuality but never specifically on setting standards. Now, after the experience with Ryan, she didnt know quite how to feel about it. They hadnt gone all the way, and she did like most of the feelings, yet she felt some shame for what had occurred. She told her girl friend she didnt want to do what she had done with Ryan again, but the very next week it happened again.

Rachels story is the story of millions of young people today. Most of the time their parents have not talked to them about setting standards, and often, kids end up going further than they wish they had gone. There are at least three reasons:

Reason #1. Pressure to Conform

Peer pressure is very powerful. If a young persons friends are experimenting with promiscuous behavior or pornography on the Internet, the odds are great that without parental input, he or she will too. Kids imitate their friends.

Reason #2. Emotional Involvement That Exceeds Their Maturity Level

This is a major reason kids make unwise sexual decisions. Lets pick on Rachel for a moment. She is fourteen and has a poor self-image. Prince Charming comes into her life. She is in love. Her parents tell her its puppy love, but the fact remains that puppy love is real to puppies! She is emotionally involved with Ryan and yet, because of her age, low maturity level, and lack of standards, she gives in and regrets it later.

Reason #3. Lack of Value-Centered Sex Education From Home

I know this sounds like a broken record, but kids will make healthier decisions when they have healthy parental involvement with sex education.

When you think about establishing sexual standards, its natural to think first about issues such as kissing and how far is too far. These are important subjects to discuss, but I believe standards must also be set regarding clothing choices and modesty in general, media usage, dealing with visual temptations, and even alcohol and drug use. These are topics that can be discussed with younger and older children alike.

The question is, How do we as parents help our kids set standards without sounding like a nag or being the morality police at all times? It is a good question with no simple answers. I hope it helps to realize that parents shouldnt be running a popularity contest with their preteens and teens. As I said earlier, our job is to raise responsible young adults, not simply to make them happy at all costs. If your kids like you all of the time, you probably have a parenting flaw in your life.

The best way to help your children set healthy standards is to face the issues and try to keep the conversation positive. Talk often and be blunt when you need to, depending on the age of your kids. Sometimes parents dont want to bring up certain issues because they think their kids are too innocent or not ready for some other reason. Just let me urge you not to wait too long. Remember that the latest facts tell us that 65 percent of non-virgins say their parents think they are still virgins.

Setting God-Honoring Standards

Modesty

Modesty sounds like such an old-fashioned word. It conjures up thoughts of legalistic calls for ankle-length dresses and turtlenecks. Modesty is actually much more than wearing non-revealing clothes. Modesty applies to the way we act, dress, and live.

A number of years ago I was a youth worker in a local church. My wife and I took twelve students on a houseboat trip along the California River Delta. It was an odd mix of students. We had eight beautiful upperclassman girls and three younger guys. After a few days, the girls began to get very comfortable in their environment. They were treating the boys like little brothers. I noticed that the clothes were getting skimpier and skimpier. The girls were into tanning, so they would undo the back straps of their swimsuits and ask their little brothers to put suntan lotion on their backs. When bedtime approached, their outfits of choice were a long T-shirt (obviously bra-less) and underpants. I knew these girls well, but I was very surprised at their behavior. Needless to say, the three younger boys on the trip were having the time of their lives. Their focus wasnt on the Bible studies, but rather those beautiful bodies parading around the houseboat.

My wife and I finally called a girls-only meeting one evening after they were ready for bed. All the girls but one arrived in a T-shirt and basically nothing more. In their minds, it was safe to dress like that because they were with only three younger boys and a safe, married youth worker and his wife. One young woman sat next to Cathy, and I actually handed her a pillow to cover up what she was showing everyone. Nervously I said, Its time for a talk about modesty from a guy! I told them they were all beautiful young women, and it was important for them to hear from a guy what goes on in a guys mind when he sees skin or shapes that are barely covered. If I remember right, I said, Guys are visual. When you dress immodestly, you cause males to lust at you. Its been said that showing off more than you are willing to give is false advertising! There are two types of girls who wear revealing clothes. One knows exactly what she is doing, and the other (and I put most of these girls in this category) has little idea how she is making guys look at her.

I wish I could say that each of the girls immediately agreed with me. Basically, many were defensive and somewhat emotional. Still, I held my ground.

I believe it is both Moms and Dads responsibility to teach about modesty and the effects of immodesty. As a father of girls, I think it is just as important for dads to discuss it with their daughters as it is for moms to speak with their sons. I remember a time when one of my daughters was sixteen and she bought a swimsuit that I thought was too revealing with her own money. She couldnt take the suit back, so I bought it from her and went with her to buy another one, which cost me even more money. That was a tough financial decision for this Scotch Irish male, but now that I look back, the lesson was worth the expense.

Whenever possible, avoid taking on the role of Fashion Police. Many parents need to keep quiet about the latest fashion statement so that they can be heard on the more-important modesty issue. I realize this is a bigger issue for girls than guys, but it does come up with young men as well.

Finally, depending on the situation, you might want to challenge your child with this thought, passed along by Hayley DiMarco, who is one of my favorite authors on this subject. In her book