Dr. Fred Kaeser - What your child needs to know about sex (and when): a straight-talking guide for parents

Copyright 2011 by Fred Kaeser
Foreword copyright 2011 by Jeanne Elium

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Celestial Arts, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com

Celestial Arts and the Celestial Arts colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kaeser, Fred.
What your child needs to know about sex and when : a straight-talking guide for parents / Fred Kaeser.
p. cm.
Summary: A straight-talking guide for modern parents about how and when to talk to their young children about sex and sexuality, from a professor of human sexuality and former director of health for New York City public schoolsProvided by publisher.
1. Sex instruction for children. 2. Children and sex. I. Title.

HQ57.K34 2011
649.65dc22

2011009689

eISBN: 978-1-58761-264-0

v3.1

Early in my parenting career, I remember looking at my children in alarm after a particularly vexing incident and thinking, I dont know what to do next! Many times I wished that sons and daughters came with individual instruction books, listing in simple directions the most propitious thing to do and say in any challenging situation. That wish never went away as my kids progressed through each childhood phase with me working to keep one step ahead of them. In lieu of a stork-delivered set of guidelines, I turned to the experts how-tos for guidance. All good advice, these self-help books outlined how important it was to talk so my kids would listen, to set limits and boundaries, to avoid unnecessary battles, and to follow through on what I said would happen if they failed to follow through. Heady stuff, and thats where a lot of the information stayedin my headuntil I learned to take a deep breath, slow down, and consider before I took action. Simply saying Let me think about that gave me more time and less cause to regret my answers and actions.

But, then there was the issue of sex. Though I consider myself as open about sex as the next educator, the thought of initiating the talk had me worried. I certainly had no helpful role model, as my mother simply handed me a book that discussed the mating habits of animals with a look that said, Dont ask me. To say that the book disgusted me, even though I was a farm kid, is putting it mildly. So when it came my turn to enlighten the next generation about sex, I was at a loss. When is the best time to introduce the topic? How detailed should I be? What words should I use?

I think I didnt do too badly, but how much easier our conversations might have gone had I had Dr. Kaesers amazing guide for parents about what our children need to know about sex. Of course, times were different when my children were smallno cell phones, no Facebook, and for the most part no explicit sexual scenes on TV. I didnt have to work as hard as todays parents to counter the exposure to an oversexualized culture. Indeed, I am rather astonished at Dr. Kaesers assertion that sexuality issues are affecting younger and younger children. Had you asked me at what age a parent should talk to a child about sex, I would have answered that it depends on the child. Not so, says Dr. Kaeser, with a doctoral degree in human sexuality studies from New York University and whose many years of experience in talking with parents and children about sexual matters makes him an expert extraordinaire. He emphasizes that to keep our children safe, its never too early but that it can be too late to talk about sex. In a culture where ten is the new sixteen in regards to sexuality, he admonishes that adolescence is far too late to introduce the topic of sex.

In an open and personable style, Dr. Kaeser suggests what information to give and when to give it based on age and gender. He uses all of the words with humor, reassurance, hard facts, and helpful examples. Most importantly, he advocates that parents use teachable moments to convey not only the specifics but also moral values. The Big Threelove, respect, and trustfigure repeatedly in this well-written book, persuading parents to define and clarify their own values and feelings about sexual issues. Dr. Kaeser puts the responsibility for educating our children about sex where it should be, squarely on the shoulders of parents. We dont have to do it alone, however, because his approachable book is designed to make us informed, approachable parents. I wish he had written What Your Child Needs to Know About Sex (and When) thirty years earlier!

Jeanne Elium

Walnut Creek, California

May 2011

I would like to thank Sharon Bowers of the Miller Agency for telling me I should write this book and Cindy Nye, my wife, for making me. And Lara Naaman for getting me started. Of course, this book would never have been done without Ten Speed Press. Julie Bennett saw the need for a book like this and Sara Golski helped me make it happen. Thanks as well to Ron Moglia and Derek Calderwood of NYU for teaching me well. I wouldnt have the sex education experience I do if it wasnt for the New York City Department of Education allowing me to work with all the students and parents through the years. Tony Alvarado and Marjorie Robbins, you both allowed me to take risks and push the envelope. And of course, my son Bret, who showed me exactly how an adolescent can be responsible and trustworthy.

Congratulations! By opening this book, youve moved one step closer to becoming an approachable parent for your child on all matters sexual.

Im Fred Kaeser, former director of health for the New York City Department of Education, and Id like to speak to you about your childs sexuality. Its pretty frightening out there these days, isnt it? If youre the parent of a child who is twelve, eleven, or ten years of ageor even youngerthis is your book. You know all too painfully well just how crazy this hypersexualized world is, and how it is affecting your child and other young children. (If your child is already in middle school, know that although I focus here on somewhat younger children, you should keep reading; theres plenty in here that will be of help to you.)

Perhaps your six-year-old has come home from school asking what sexy means, because he has heard other kids using the term. Or perhaps your seven-year-old sons friend forcefully touched your boys penis on a play date, and your boy has come to you frightened and upset. Or maybe your ten-year-old wants to create a profile on Facebook or MySpace, and you want to say no, but youre afraid that if you do itll cause a nasty confrontation.