Traci Lester - Teaching the Birds and the Bees without the Butterflies: a Stress-Free Guide for Parents on How to Talk to Young Children About Sex

Copyright 2013 by Traci Lester

Cover Design and Illustrations by Emily Valenti

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise-without written permission from the author.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (NASB) taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright 1960, 1962,1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977,1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

ISBN: 9781483517278

Dedicated to the love of my life, Chris,

and my four beautiful children

Cici, Boo, Bug, and Banana.

I love you beyond words.

Hey Dad, I know a baby comes out of the mom, but how does it actually get in the mom? My head shot up. I was fortunate enough to be in the next room preparing supper when I heard this innocent question come from my sweet eight-year-old son.

All movement in my kitchen came to a silent standstill. The spaghetti and meatballs could wait. I didnt dare clank a single pot for fear of missing this golden moment. I waited expectantly, hoping that all of the years I had spent instilling values in him would pay off (my husband, that is).

We should have been prepared for such a moment. This wasnt the first child who cornered us with a difficult question. Twenty seven years of marriage and four children together had given us scores of occasions to wish we had the superpower of invisibility. But since we live in reality, and time travel has yet to be discovered, we came up with another game plan.

The Boy Scouts are on to something.

Be prepared.

Early on in our parenting journey we found that an extremely effective methodand our personal favoriteis to buy some time to get our thoughts together before we answer the question. First, we compliment him on what a wonderful question it is. (I have to admit it usually is a pretty good one.) Then we emphasize how delighted we are that he asked us. (Just between you and me, we arent really that happy, but we feel its a good thing to say regardless.)

This time was a little different though. For the past few years I had been offering workshops designed to empower parents with effective ways to discuss the touchy subject of sex with their young children. Because of this, I was certain some of it had rubbed off on my shy husband.

HIM: Wow! That is a really good question.

ME: Awwwhe really is an awesome father!

HIM: I am so happy you asked me that.

ME: (Sigh.) I think Im falling in love with that man all over again.

HIM: Actuallyhmmmwell...let me think.

ME: Uh oh, hes losing it. Hold tight, Honey, you can do this!

HIM: You know what? Mom actually teaches that for a living. Why dont you and I go ask her?

Um, yeah. He did.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? Its pretty rough, isnt it? I have met very few individuals who are eager to have The Big Talk with their children. And, if Im being completely honest with you, I think those people are kinda weird. (If you are one of these parents, please dont be offended. Im actually a pretty nice person, and I happen to like weird people.)

The truth is that most of us are terrified of having this conversation with our child. Of course we know its our responsibility. But lets admit it, we secretly wish someone else would do it while we go shopping. Would you believe that some anxious parents have actually approached me and asked if I would consider giving the sex talk to their kids?

What are they, crazy?!

It sure would be nice to get out of it, wouldnt it? But we are the parents; its part of the package. We have to do things we dont want to do. Diaper blowouts at the grocery store, 104 fevers at 2:00 AM, or sitting through a three-hour-long dance recital for your daughters one-minute ballet debut. All of these things pale in comparison to the task of talking about sex with your kid.

But I hope after reading this book you will appreciate that, even though it doesnt feel like it, this part of parenting really is a privilege. I think its even possible that by the time you finish it you may actually look forward to talking about sex with your child.

Too much?

Okay, you may not ever look forward to it, but I feel pretty confident that you wont fear it quite so much.

Disclaimers

Im not a doctor. You will not find a certification on the subject of sex hanging on my wall. Although Im no sophisticated authority, I am by nature an encourager. (I found that out when I encouraged myself to take a personality test.) I am an average teacher, but more than anything I am a really good friend. I pray this book will inspire you to be bold with a subject that causes even the most valiant among us to cower in fear.

If you were seeking a comprehensive book on the subject of sexuality, this isnt it. Experts with far more knowledge than me have written wonderful and thorough books on the psychology, physiology, and theology of sex and sexuality.

This book is a gift from one friend to another. Its designed to be a stress-free, easy-to-follow approach that I hope will be a great resource for you. Through it you will find the support and practical tools to courageously tackle this sensitive subject with your child.

STATISTICS

47% of high school students in the United States have had sexual intercourse.

In the United States 1 in 4 sexually active teens become infected with an STD every year.

Although sex is common, most sexually active teens wish they had waited longer to have sex, which suggests that sex is occurring before youths are prepared for its consequences.

In the book A Chickens Guide to Talking Turkey to Your Kids about Sex, authors Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell get right to the point.

The raw reality of todays society, in which the vast majority of kids have sexual intercourse before the age of twenty, means that a passive approach to parenting will no longer work. If you do what many parents docross your fingers, hope for the best and stay silentyour family will add to the statistics of out-of-wedlock pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and broken hearts, all before your children reach the age of twenty one.

All of this sure is discouraging, isnt it? And here I told you I was an encourager.

Read on I promise it gets better.

PART ONE

The PARENT Approach

For the last twenty years I have served in the pregnancy care ministry. Some days the work at the pregnancy center is remarkable. A young woman walks through the doors scared and confused, and in her desperation contemplates a heartbreaking decision that will have lifelong consequences. Instead, she chooses to give life to her child and we are privileged to have assisted God in a miracle.