Rosenzweig - The parents guide to talking to children about sex: a complete guide to raising (sexually) healthy safe, smart, and healthy children

Disclaimer: The information provided in this book should not be construed as personal medical advice or instruction. No action should be taken based solely on the contents of this book or Dr. Rosenzweigs website. Readers should consult appropriate health professionals on any matter relating to their health and well being.

Authors Note: Throughout the book, the author has used gender terms interchangeably. While the support and participation of so many people informed and improved this book tremendously, the author maintains sole and final responsibility for the content. Sex offenders interviewed for this book had been convicted and served time for their offenses. All first names used in personal stories have been changed.

Copyright 2012 by Janet Rosenzweig

Illustrations by Janet Hamlin

New materials 2015 by Janet Rosenzweig

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available on file

Cover design by Mary Belibasakis

Print ISBN: 978-1-63220-313-7

eBook ISBN: 978-1-63220-771-5

Printed in the United States of America

To David

The Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble....

Acknowledgments

With deep and enduring gratitude to the following people:

To everyone who helped bring this book to life by sharing their stories in focus groups and interviews, and for tolerating me when I interrupted a conversation to exclaim, Thats a great example. Can I use it for my book?

To Beth, Bill, Brad, Christine, Curtis, The Dames of the Oblong Table, John, David, Dennis, Diane, Donna, Elizabeth, Evelyn, Janet, Jeannie, Jerry, Jim, Joanna, Julianne, Kathryn, Keith, Gay, Hannah, Herb, Ken, Keith, Lamis, Larry, Mark, Marsha, Maryanne, Maura, Melissa, Michelle, Miriam, Nancy, Phoenix, Ray, Rosanna, Sarah, Shirley, Sonya, Sue, Suzanne, and Zach.

To the very first victims I served in East Tennessee, now grownyou never left my heart or mind; and to the man who built the program that allowed me to serve them, the late Charles E. Gentry, whose vision of service knew no bounds.

To my colleagues who reviewed portions of the content and improved it with their insights: Evelyn Gill, Dr. Jean Levitan, Jim Hmurovich, Dr. Pat Barthalow Koch, Regina Podhorin, Ken Singer, and Dr. Elaine Wilson Young.

To the editors who helped breathe life into my words: David Marcus, Herb Schaffner, and Julie Matysik.

To my family: David, Zach, Shirley, and Irving, who make anything possible and everything better.

Contents

Rosenzweigs Rules for Parents to Raise Sexually Safe and Healthy Children

1. Never forget that sexual arousal is an autonomic, reflexive response. Healthy human beings cannot control their reflexive arousal in response to a sight, sound, smell, or memory but they certainly can and must be responsible for what they do with it.

2. Learn Pavlovs lesson; the good doctor and his dogs have a valuable message for us. When Dr. Pavlovs canine experimental subjects completed a task correctly, a bell rang and they were rewarded with food. Soon, they began salivating at the sound of a bell with no food in sight. The sound of a bell became contiguous , or stuck together, with eating. Pavlov taught us that feelings and responses can become stuck together in ways that have no real meaning. Your reaction to your child can cause feelings that become contiguous with sexuality. Be thoughtful and careful to avoid instilling fear, guilt, or shame associated with an autonomic response (see Rule #1).

3. Remember that a parents job is to provide the tools to alleviate fear and obliterate ignorance, not to add to them. Everyone has fears and questions about his or her sexuality at some point. Your pediatrician, other professionals, and books like this are great tools, so use them!

4. Sometimes really good people do really stupid things, and bad things can happen in any family. Know your communitys resources in case this happens to you or someone you love.

5. Never forget that young children are developmentally incapable of protecting themselves from a skilled pedophile. Even the best classroom-based prevention programs in the world are useless unless adults in the community recognize the dynamics of sexual abuse of children in general and pedophiles in particular.

6. Children will riseor sinkto your level of expectations, even if you dont articulate them.

7. Understand that a criminal background check on someone seeking to work with children is necessary but not at all sufficient to ensure that the prospective person is a safe caretaker for your children.

8. Keep the lines of communication wide open, including ensuring that your child is comfortable using understandable language about every part of his or her body. Kids without sexual language are much more attractive to pedophiles, who traffic in shame and secrecy.

9. Modern American communities have many more resources in place to respond to a victim than to help prevent victimization. Lets hope you never need the former and after reading this book can take a stand and change the latter.

10. Bear in mind that adolescence is, by definition, a time of contradictions. Sociologists tell us adolescence is now lasting longer than ever before, but it will eventually end. Your goal as a parent is to ensure that when it does, the result of your efforts is a healthy, productive adult who will eventually produce grandchildren who will become adolescents and pay your children back for the way they behaved. That cant happen without sex.

For more information, please visit Dr. Rosenzweigs website at www.SexWiseParent.com or www.JanetRosenzweig.com

Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex.

Havelock Ellis

PART 1

Wake Up and Smell the Pheromones

A Call to Action for Parents

CHAPTER 1

Building the Foundation: Sex, Love, and Family Life

Sex is part of life. Thats not news. The institutions of our country are doing a lousy job teaching kids about sex, and I mean all institutionsthe family, our schools, religious institutions, and others. Thats not news either. The lack of accurate information about sex provided by loving, trusted adults is a danger to the health and safety of our children, and parents have an obligation to do something about it. Thats news, and this book is written for every parent willing to take the steps necessary to raise a sexually safe and healthy child. Its never too early or too late to start.

Parents need a broad lens to understand relationships, sexual health, sexual abuse, and sexual safety, and understand how vital these issues are to a healthy family life. Parents need the tools to help them communicate with their kids; they can and must learn to weave their own values and beliefs with accurate and age-appropriate information and present them as a gift to their children.