Stan Jones - How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Childs Sexual Character

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1993, 2007 by Stanton and Brenna Jones

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ISBN 13: 978-1-60006-017-5

Cover design by Charles Brock | www.thedesignworksgroup.com
Cover photo by IndexStock

Creative Team: Terry Behimer, Susan Martins Miller, Amy Spencer, Kathy Mosier, Arvid Wallen, Pat Reinheimer

Some of the anecdotal illustrations in this book are true to life and are included with the permission of the persons involved. All other illustrations are composites of real situations, and any resemblance to people living or dead is coincidental.

Unless otherwise identified, all Scripture quotations in this publication are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (NIV). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Other version used: the Revised Standard Version Bible (RSV), copyright 1946, 1952, 1971, by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the USA, used by permission, all rights reserved.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 93-22640

Printed in the United States of America

5 6 7 8 9 10 / 15 14 13 12 11

To our parents:

In loving memory of Jerry Barber;
in continuing love and appreciation for
Wilma Barber
Marion and Edith Jones

Contents

PART ONE:
Foundations

CHAPTER 1
The Big Picture: Preparing Healthy, Godly Adults

CHAPTER 2
The Challenge

CHAPTER 3
Understanding Character Formation

PART TWO:
The Cornerstone Years:
Infancy Through Kindergarten

CHAPTER 4
Biblical Foundations for Understanding Sexuality

CHAPTER 5
Teaching the Goodness of Our Sexuality

CHAPTER 6
Handling Sexual Curiosity and Other Challenges

CHAPTER 7
Preventing and Overcoming Sexual Molestation

CHAPTER 8
Gender Identification and Sexual Orientation

PART THREE:
The Preparatory Years:
The Prepuberty Period

CHAPTER 9
What Is Sex? Why Is It Wrong Outside Marriage?

CHAPTER 10
Inoculating Your Kids Against Destructive Moral Messages

CHAPTER 11
Preparing for Puberty and Adolescence

PART FOUR:
The Transitional Years:
Through Puberty

CHAPTER 12
Preparing for Romance, Sexual Attraction, and Dating

CHAPTER 13
Developing Moral Discernment About Masturbation and Petting

CHAPTER 14
Clear and Present Dangers: Pornography and Cybersex

PART FIVE:
The Pivotal Years:
Adolescence

CHAPTER 15
Supporting the Adolescent

CHAPTER 16
Teaching About Contraception

CHAPTER 17
Conclusion: What Is True Purity?

Acknowledgments

We would like to thank our friends with whom we have shared the joys and travails of the journey of parenting and with whom we have shared enriching dialogue about the ideas in this book. In the first edition, we thanked (and continue to thank) Miriam and Fred Antonini, Rich and Debbie Butman, Charley and Cindy Carlson, Steve and Jan Evans, Lori and Jim Hock, Lisa and Mark McMinn, Cindy and Marion Neal, Elizabeth and Bob Roberts, Linda Roberts and Lance Wilcox, Joni Carroll, and Jay and Janice Wood. To this list we add Bruce and Mitzie Barton, Steve and Linda Smith, Vince and Ellen Morris, and Trudy and John Zimmerman.

We continue to thank thirteen successive classes of graduate students in Stans Human Sexuality summer course whose insightfulness, openness, and inquisitiveness so enriched our understanding of sexuality. Stan expresses particular thanks to the administration and faculty of Wheaton College for being a community where dedication to Christian faith and to intellectual excellence can come together seamlessly.

We express heartfelt thanks to the many parents who have shared their stories and perspectives, praise and disagreements, about the content of the G OD S D ESIGN FOR S EX series as we have spoken and taught about this subject around the world. Some of your stories have made it into the revised versions of these books! We have benefited from many spontaneous and thoughtful suggestions from readers of our first editions, but none more thorough and constructive than the many comments from Ted Witzig Jr. and his professional colleagues at their counseling center.

Special appreciation goes out to Mark and Lori Yarhouse for their extraordinarily thorough and helpful review of the G OD S D ESIGN FOR S EX series in preparation for revisions for this new edition, to Elaine Roberts for a remarkably thorough and wise review of all of the childrens books, and to Steve Gerali for his careful review of Facing the Facts. We have appreciated and benefited from the careful editorial skills of Susan Martins Miller many thanks.

Finally, we want to express our deep appreciation and love to our three children, Jennifer, Brandon, and Lindsay. You have, together and individually, enriched our lives far beyond what we could have ever imagined. Thank you for being our living laboratory for working out these ideas, for being so thoughtful and strong, and for loving us all these years.

CHAPTER 1

The Big Picture

Preparing Healthy, Godly Adults

Sex is a gift from God. It is a frequently misunderstood, misused, and squandered gift, but a gift nonetheless. Our sexuality and the rules God has given us to direct our use of that gift are a tremendous blessing.

Many parents focus too narrowly and negatively when they think about goals for sex education. Worried by what they hear about sexual promiscuity, sexually transmitted diseases, and the like among young people, parents attempt to convince their kids not to have sex in an effort to protect them from the ravages that illicit and irresponsible sex can cause. Rightly so. But this goal is too small, too limited, too narrow. If we stop there, we seek to protect them only by stopping them from doing anything negative.

Dont we want to give them something profoundly positive? Protecting our children from the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage that can result from irresponsible and inappropriate sexual choices is important. But our most important goal is to equip and empower our children to enter adulthood capable of living godly, wholesome, and fulfilled lives as Christian men and women, Christian husbands and wives