Laffy - Lovesex : an integrative model for sexual education

CHAPTER TITLE I LOVESEX Other titles in the UKCP Series: What is Psychotherapeutic Research? Del Loewenthal Diversity, Discipline and Devotion in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy: Clinicaland Training Perspectives Gertrud Mander Shakespeare on the Couch Michael Jacobs Dialogue and Desire: Mikhail Bakhtin and the Linguistic Turnin Psychotherapy Rachel Pollard Our Desire of Unrest: Thinking About Therapy Michael Jacobs Not Just Talking: Conversational Analysis, Harvey Sacks'Gift to Therapy Jean Pain The Muse as Therapist: A New Paradigm for Psychotherapy Heward Wilkinson The Emergent Self: An ExistentialGestalt Approach Peter Philippson Psychosis in the Family: The Journey of a Psychotherapist and Mother Janet C. Love Hidden Twins: What Adult Opposite Sex Twins Have To Teach Us Olivia Lousada Child-Centred Attachment Therapy: the Ccat Programme Alexandra Maeja Raicar The Three-Point Therapist Hilary A. Davies The Use of Psychoanalytic Concepts in Therapy with Families:For All Professionals Working with Families Hilary Davies Love: Bondage or Liberation: A Psychological Exploration of the Meaning,Values, and Dangers of Falling in Love Deirdre Johnson The Role of Brief Therapies in Attachment Disorders Lisa Wake Therapy with Children: An Existentialist Perspective Chris Scalzo Why Therapists Choose to Become Therapists: A Practice-Based Enquiry Sofie Bager-Charleson Attachment and New Beginnings: Reflections on Psychoanalytic Therapy Jonathan Pedder Addictive Personalities and Why People Take Drugs: The Spike and theMoon Gary Winship LOVESEX An Integrative Model for Sexual Education Cabby Laffy Illustrations by Tessa Gaynn On behalf of the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy First published in 2013 by Karnac Books Ltd 118 Finchley Road, London NW3 5HT Copyright 2013 to Cabby Laffy. The rights of Cabby Laffy to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with 77 and 78 of the Copyright Design and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A C.I.P. for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978 1 78049 155 4 Edited, designed and produced by The Studio Publishing Services Ltd www.publishingservicesuk.co.uk e-mail: studio@publishingservicesuk.co.uk Printed in Great Britain www.karnacbooks.com CONTENTSLIST OF FIGURES AND ILLUSTRATIONS ix LIST OF EXERCISES xi ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS xiii ABOUT THE AUTHOR xv INTRODUCTION xvii A NEW MODEL FOR SEXUALITY xxv INTRODUCTION TO SEXPLORATION EXERCISES xxxi PART I: MIND: THOUGHTS AND CHOICES The mind Inner dialogue Beliefs Sexual language Sexual culture Sex and reproduction v vi CONTENTS The pleasure principle Sex and power Looking good Sexual identity Food for thought Sexual values Sex, love, and relationships What if...? PART II: BODY: SEXUAL ANATOMY The body Inside out The proud penis The wonderful womb The voluptuous vulva The cunning clitoris Outside in Want somebody Happy hormones The nervous system PART III: BRAIN: PASSION AND DESIRE The brain Frisson The busy brain The limbic system Brain chemicals Human universals Seven human imperatives Us and them Getting hot Build the charge All together now Go with the flow CONTENTS vii PART IV: EMOTION: FEELINGS AND INTUITION Emotion Dark side of the moon Truth and lies Full of feelings Shame and sexuality Pain or pleasure Playing with fire Sexual addiction Sexual violence Safer sex Relationships Soul food Make love, not war FURTHER READINGREFERENCESINDEXLIST OF FIGURES AND ILLUSTRATIONSFigures 1. A homeodynamic model for sexuality xxvi 2. Two aspects of the human brain 3. What do you like about sex? 4. A circular view of sexual play 5.

The five senses 6. Sex hormones and their effects 7. The nervous system 8. Six human facial expressions 9. The survival brain circuits 10. The socialising brain circuits 11.

The impact of desire 12. Six stages of sexual arousal 13. A circular sexual response pattern 14. Bassons model of female sexual response 15. A circuit of arousal 16. A homeodynamic model of feelings 17.

Defences against shame 18. The Hendrix psychosocial stages of development ix x LIST OF FIGURES AND ILLUSTRATIONS 19. The impact of sexual violence 20. New diagnoses of sexually transmitted infections 20002010 21. The dance of intimacy 22. Bader and Pearsons developmental model of relationships 23.

An elemental homeodynamic model Illustrations 1. External genitals viewed in a mirror 2. The internal structure of the penis 3. Female sexual and reproductive organs 4. The open vulva 5. The internal structure of the clitoris 6.

The external and internal structure of the vulva 7. Female pelvic nerves 8. Male pelvic nerves 9. The brain LIST OF EXERCISES A journal for your journey xxx Create a safe sexploration space xxxxxxi Applying the brakes xxxiixxxiii First thoughts Inner critic Sexual beliefs Sexual knowledge Who taught you? 1112 Your fertility Best and worst experiences Sexual timeline Beautiful body Sexual preferences How do you nourish yourself? Sexual values 3233 Sex, love, and relationships Review of Part I Sensuous skin External genitals xi xii LIST OF EXERCISES First reproductive experience Genital geography 5455 Tender touch 5758 Sensuality 5960 Body and breath awareness Your delights and pleasures Review of Part II Desire Emotional awareness 1 Triggers Feel good Emotional awareness 2 Towards and away Conscious breathing Sexual touch 8889 Sexual fantasy Sexual stimulation 9697 Review of Part III Your dark side Your truths Your feelings Sexual shame Personal power Passionate play Challenging compulsion 126127 Healing trauma Sexual health workout Your relationships Sexual diet Review of Part IV ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would like to thank the following people who have enabled me to write this book: Judi Keshet-Orr, Bernd Leygraf, and Sarah Littlejohn, my early therapists and teachers; Boo Armstrong and Clare Summerskill, for encouraging and inspiring me to write; Tessa Gaynn and Debbie Pope, for creating beautiful illustrations and artwork; Rose McAfee, for the great website design and support; my Diploma students, for helping me to clarify my concepts and ideas; Scilla Elworthy and Sara Tibbs for reading early drafts; Gerry Laffy, Melody Laffy, and Lizzie Ruffell for editorial work; Kris Burman, Brendan Canty, Marie Florence, Carole Ingram, Reina James Reinstein, Elizabeth Laffy, Maria North, Alix Sinclare, and Jonny Slater for supporting my health and well being. xiii xiv ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I would particularly like to thank: Anita Sullivan, my wonderful mentor, teacher, and clinical supervisor for many years; Aleine Ridge, for helping me develop my courses with personal, professional, and practical support; Polly McLean, for helping in many ways, including proofreading and bringing my teaching and this book to fruition; Simon Laffy, my brother and best friend; Shana Laffy, my wonderful daughter; Mark Johnson, my beloved. ABOUT THE AUTHORCabby Laffy has worked as psychotherapist, psychosexual therapist, and supervisor since 1991. ABOUT THE AUTHORCabby Laffy has worked as psychotherapist, psychosexual therapist, and supervisor since 1991.