Ronald J. Greer - Now That They Are Grown: Successfully Parenting Your Adult Children

I have looked forward to Ron Greer's latest offering with great anticipation, and Now That They Are Grown exceeds all of my expectations. Ron is a wise and helpful guide for parents looking for a mature, healthy relationship with their adult children. His writing comes across as a long-trusted friend who is passing along valuable wisdom gleaned from years of experience gained while walking this road with others. Ron's words not only educate, but they also encourage parents that they can do this! Now That They Are Grown is a job well done!

Dr. Bill Britt, Senior Minister, Peachtree Road United Methodist Church

A prominent college coach was recently asked if players had changed in the last few years. His answer would not have surprised Ron Greer. "Naw," he emphatically stated in his southern twang. "The kids are the same. They just want to play. But the parents have lost their minds!" Ron may not be quite that critical, but he knows most of us need help in dealing with our adult children when they are busy flying the coop. He has written a wonderful guide for parents who have maintained their sanity but simply do not know what to do. Enjoy Ron's stories, but mostly take note of his wisdom. I know it will change your life, it may change your children's lives, and it might even help the grandchildren!

Bill Curry, Georgia State University head football coach and the author of Ten Men You Meet in the Huddle: Lessons from a Football Life

Ron has shared (his) wisdom in Now That They Are Grown: Successfully Parenting Your Adult Children. This book is an easy read; is chock-full of wisdom; and is sensitively, caringly, creatively composed. This pastoral counselor knows the dynamics of parenting adult children in this contemporary context. He advocates mutual respect and magnanimous good will between the generations both in "letting them go" and in "negotiating a new adult-to-adult relationship."

Dr. Jap Keith, Southeast Regional Director of the Association for

Clinical Pastoral Education, Inc., Professor Emeritus of Pastoral Care and Counseling of Columbia Theological Seminary, American Association of Pastoral Counselors

Ronald J.Greer

That They Are

Successfully
Parenting
Your Adult
Children

Abingdon Press

Nashville

Now That They Are Grown
Successfullly Parenting Your Adult
Children

Copyright 2012 by Abingdon Press

All rights reserved.

No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted by the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission can be addressed to Permissions, The United Methodist Publishing House, P.O. Box 801, 201 Eighth Avenue South, Nashville, TN 37202-0801, or e-mailed to .

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

ISBN 978-1-4267-4191-3

Cataloging in Publication Data has been applied for with the Library of Congress.

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyrighted 1989, by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission.

12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 2110 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To Karen

my dear partner in this experience

of being the parents

of two wonderful adults

For everything there is a season,

and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;...

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 5b

Contents

Prologue

WE HAD JUST MET, but quickly the conversation turned to the recent marriage of her son. This delightful woman explained he was her youngest child, the last to be married. The mother of the groom was still aglow over the wedding and told me all about it.

I remember nothing of the wedding details. Yet I remember vividly her description of the events that followed.

After the wedding reception, her husband dropped her off at their home and left to run an errand. She said she went inside alone and made herself a cup of coffee. She took it into the den, slipped off her shoes, propped her feet up on the ottoman, and for the next fifteen minutes just sat there reliving the glorious wedding that had just taken place.

Finishing her coffee, she took the cup back to the kitchen and started down the hall to change out of her elegant dress. She said she got halfway down the hall, to the doorway of the bedroom of her son who had just married. She described it as if a magnet had pulled her into his room. She looked around. There on the wall were his posters and his banners. There on his chest of drawers were his trophies and the picture of his sweetheart who was now his bride. And there on the floor, at the foot of his bed, were two dirty socks.

She said, "I was all right until I got to the socks. But I knew it was the last pair of his dirty socks I'd ever pick up again." The tears came to her eyes as she told it, just as the tears had come to her eyes as she had lived it. With tissue now in hand, she described how she ran down the hall, threw herself on her bed, and had the cry she needed to have.

Her life had changed. It had been, indeed, a day of celebration. But in the privacy of her heart, in the privacy of her home, she could feel the rest of the story. She would always be her sons' mama, buthaving invested three decades in actively motheringshe was a seasoned veteran at a role that was no longer needed.

Life is filled with change. As our sons and daughters move into young adulthood, our roles as loving parents change dramatically. Now they are grown. It's time for changes. We will make the transition, though not always with the grace we would prefer.

The intent of this book is to help us avoid as many pitfalls as possible in making the change from parenting children to being parents of young adults. It's a challenge. It isn't easy. How do we nurture our adult children while encouraging their independence and maturity? Where is the balance? How do we respond to them in times of struggle? What is supportive, yet not intrusive? What is caring, yet not enabling dependency?

The questions are important. The answers are not obvious. It is a new day and a new relationship. The page has been turned, and we are now writing the new chapter in the life of our family. It is important that we get it right. It is important that we are true to the integrity of who we as parents and children are... now.

1

Letting Go

I think of the pages that follow as a conversation between you and mefellow parents of adult sons and daughters like my conversation with the mother of the groom. I imagine us, as friends, sitting on the deck of a cabin looking out over the mountains of western North Carolina. A group of us, now empty nesters, have gone up for a relaxing weekend. No agenda. Just hiking, talking, and doing nothing purposeful. It's early morning. You and I are the first two up. We are even ahead of the sun, though it's not far beneath the horizon. We see the silhouette of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the distance. Below us, in the valley, is a blanket of thick morning fog.