Beverly Engel - The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself

I wish to thank the following people for their contribution to this book:

My continual gratitude and admiration go to Janice Gallagher for her constant faith in me, her honesty, her steadfast support, consistent graciousness, flexibility, and endless flow of ideas. I also want to express my appreciation for providing just enough direction without taking over the project and for allowing me to muddle through my own stuck places.

A special thanks to Patti Cohen for being incredibly efficient, helpful, and patient, and for always being gracious and cheerful whenever I call, no matter how busy she might be.

Patti McDermott for so generously offering her time and energy to read the first part of the book, for her wonderful suggestions, and for her continual interest in my writing projects.

Linda Riggs for ordering some excellent feedback about the first chapter and especially for her suggestions regarding the Selfless woman.

Mary Nadler for once again doing an excellent job of editing even though it was a rush job, and for greatly improving the text without changing the meaning.

Derek Gallagher for being clear and fair about deadlines, for his patience, and for doing an excellent job.

Lise Wood for her valuable marketing.

Jack Artenstein for being such a warm and human publisher and for being so enthusiastic about my books.

And everyone at Lowell House who continue to make writing books a pleasurable experience.

I am forty-two years old, a successful therapist with sixteen years of experience, and I have written three books. Yet at times I still feel like a wounded, unwanted child. This is because of the severe emotional abuse I received both as a child and as an adult from my mother. That abuse caused me to doubt my self, my perceptions, my abilities, and, most of all, my lovableness.

Although I was also sexually abused as a child, by three separate men, the emotional abuse and neglect I suffered have been the hardest for me to recover from. My mother emotionally abused me in many ways, but the most damaging aspect was her criticalness. Because she was so extremely critical of me, I grew up with very low self-esteem. I always felt less than other people and lacked confidence in my abilities. I felt awkward in my body and unsure of my words. While at times I covered up much of my discomfort with a false bravado and could fool other people, I could never fool myself I always compared myself unfavorably with others. I always saw others as being better than I was, as having more and being happier.

Early on I tried to cover up my insecurity by being extremely polite and helpful. I gave away everything in my attempt to buy lovemy possessions, my body, and my self. The best way I can describe just how desperate I was to be loved and accepted is to tell a story from my childhood.

When I was about six years old I found a large, pink quartz crystal in a riverbed. I had always loved pretty rocks, so when I found this beautiful rock I thought it was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen. I felt very lucky to have found it and I treasured it for years, taking it out to look at it often, being comforted by its cool, smooth texture.

When I was nine, we moved to a new neighborhood. As a way of getting attention from the other kids on the block, I brought out my crystal to show off As all the kids admired my rock, I finally felt accepted and part of the group. Then someone suggested that we drop the crystal and break it in pieces so that everyone could have a piece of it. In my desperate attempt to be accepted, I dropped my beloved crystal on the street and gave away pieces of it to the other children. When it was over, all I had left was one little piece.

This incident was a perfect metaphor for my life. I continued to give away different parts of myself until I had very little left for myself. I took care of others needs and was generous to a faultbut I didnt take care of my own needs.

Until I was finally able to fully recognize just how deprived, neglected, and abandoned I had been as a child, I was unable to recognize how much I was allowing myself to be emotionally abused as an adult. Until I faced the truth about my childhood and my mother, I continued to lie to myself about how big and strong I was as an adult. In reality, I was still a little child, allowing myself to be victimized by lovers, friends, and bosses.

As it is with many women who were emotionally abused as children, I built up a facade of being supercompetent, fearless, and powerful to hide the fact that I felt so inadequate, fearful, and small. I presented myself as the caretaker of others, the nurturer and the rescuer, to hide the fact that I was so in need of nurturing and help myself.

Because I was in denial about just how damaged I was, like most victims of emotional abuse I continued to allow others to abuse me. Because my self-esteem was so low, when I first started dating I felt as if I had to go out with anyone who asked me. As I got older I became involved with people who were very much like my mother and who abused me emotionally in much the same way that she had. I often surrounded myself with people who didnt respect or value me, who took advantage of my generosity, or who tried to control me and were as critical of me as my mother had been. I was grateful for whatever small kindness anyone bestowed on me, because I didnt feel I deserved anything better and because I was so used to being ignored, deprived, or taken for granted.