Sally Shepherd - Beyond the Bump: A clinical psychologists guide to navigating the mental, emotional and physical turmoil of becoming a mother

First published in 2019

Copyright Sally Shepherd 2019

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to the Copyright Agency (Australia) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin

83 Alexander Street

Crows Nest NSW 2065

Australia

Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

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Web: www.allenandunwin.com

ISBN 978 1 76052 999 4

eISBN 978 1 76087 203 8

Pages .

Page : material from G.D. Chapman, The 5 Love Languages: The secret to love that lasts, Chicago: Northfield Pub, 2010, reproduced with permission.

Index by Puddingburn

Set by Midland Typesetters, Australia

Cover design: Karen Wallis, Taloula Press

For my darling son, Eliah, my husband and best friend, Gavin, and my wonderful parents, John and Linda. Your guidance, love and support carried me through.

And for all mums everywheremay we lift each other up, always.

While I was pregnant I attended prenatal appointments with my local midwives. They were lovely, angels incarnate. They made me less terrified of the whole bringing forth a human life into the world thing (still a bit terrified, naturally). But they kept asking me to make a birth plan. It is what it sounds like: my plan for the birth of my son.

Hey, I said, isnt that your job? Im nowhere near as experienceda diplomatic way of saying I have no idea what Im doing. My sarcasm and awesome joke were not appreciated, and they sent me home to think about what I wanted out of the birth, aside from a brand new, real live human being to take home!

I didnt make a birth plan. I started to but ended up staring blankly at a piece of paper for about half an hour, eventually writing down (and then crossing out because I felt like an idiot with poor priorities), bring snacks. I ultimately planned to have a baby and leave the how up to the professionals. As it turned out, my son was born five weeks early (as impatient then as he is now, over three years later) so I thought Id gotten away with it, until I had my first contraction, felt an unholy amount of pain, and realised that there was no chocolate in sight. Not so smart now are you, Miss I dont need a plan!

In hindsight, had I made an elaborate (read: any) plan there was no guarantee that it would have worked out. During the first few months of my sons life, nothing at all went to plan! Even the plans that I did make went to hell in a figurative handbasket, because the truth was, I was so completely unprepared for what having a newborn would be like. I had read one book on birthing a baby and exactly nothing on parenting said baby from now on. This is hard for me to admiteven embarrassing as I am a clinical psychologistbecause I usually pride myself on research, thoughtfully considered plans, and getting things right.

Seven months straight of nausea, vomiting, insomnia, pain, and foggy-minded fatigue probably didnt help with the whole getting prepared thing. Its cruelly ironic that were expected to get ready for one of the biggest transitions of our lives during the same time period where one day, as I did, you might just get in the car to go and buy milk and forget to put on pants. But also, I just assumed we (my husband and I) would be all right. Everyone else, it seemed, had done it before us and been fine. How hard could it be? Spoiler alert: very.

You may be getting the picture that I struggled with the newborn stage. I dont mean to make it sound like having a newborn at home is awful. Scratch thatyes, I do, because it is sometimes. It is wonderful and terrible simultaneously.

It was a time when I was never alone, but always lonely. I was desperately, scarily tired, but unable to rest. Always busy, but never accomplishing anything. I was completely bored, but unable to concentrate. It was a time when I was overburdened with new responsibilities yet had no control over anything.

Its also a joyful, mesmerising, mind-blowing, surreal, funny, fun and special time. Above all, it is a major life change that requires significant adjustment. I didnt realise how much it would change everything about my life. My husband and I had been together for thirteen years before our son was born, so we were used to our life. We knew what we liked and we liked what we knew. That cosy, familiar routine changed dramatically after our son was born.

Knowing what to expect is so, so, soI could write so a hundred more times and it would still not be enoughvitally important. Do as I say, not as I do, right? Its like tripping over a shoelace. If we pretend its not happening we might land flat on our faces. If we accept what is coming, well hopefully put out our hands and steady ourselves.

Research consistently shows that having realistic expectations prior to a drastic life change helps people to adapt and adjust to the new normal. If our expectations are unrealistic, idealised, or even non-existent, it can really hinder our adjustment process, making it an uphill battle to adaptin this case, to our new role as mum. In some cases, it can even contribute to significant postpartum mental health difficulties like postpartum depression and anxiety.

My own expectations were not realistic. Some were idealised, dreamy impressions that I probably picked up from movies and books. Some things I hadnt thought about much at all. Some of my expectations were downright weird.

In the process of writing this book, I have spoken to many, many mums (and some dads too). What a relief, but also a surprise, to discover that many of them had felt the same way as me! Maybe, just maybe, I was normal after all. Who would have thought?

Here are some of the unrealistic and idealised expectations I, and others, have fessed up to having:

Life as I know it will stay the same. I dont want to be one of those people who make life all about their kids. Baby can just fit in to my life as it is now. Um, no. Not really.

Parenthood is natural. Ill just know what to do when the time comes. To a certain extent it is intuitive, and I surprised myself with some of the things I did just know but it is also a demanding job and necessitates a lot of learning and new skills.

Babies are super cute. Ha. Not all the time, my friend. Not all the time *thinks back darkly to one particularly memorable 2 a.m. simultaneous poo/vomit explosion*.

Breastfeeding will come naturally because it is a natural process. Not always.

I will fall in love and bond with my baby from the beginning. Again, not always.

Of course, there are lots more where those came from but if I tried to list them all Id be here all dayand Ive got a book to get on with writing!

My (somewhat lofty) goal here is for women to be able to access in one place a bunch of information, backed by science and reflected in real experiences, about what it can be like to suddenly become mum. I want to discuss the common challenges that mums experience during their first year postpartum. Because we know that realistic expectations and being prepared help us to adapt and adjust to life changes, I hope this will help to set you up on a smoother transition to motherhood.