Lorri Antosz Benson - To Have and Not to Hold: The Bonding of Two Mothers through Adoption

Copyright 2016 by Lorri Antosz Benson

All rights reserved.

Published by Familius LLC, www.familius.com

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

2016942948

Print ISBN 9781942934813

Ebook ISBN 9781944822217

Hardcover ISBN 9781944822224

Printed in the United States of America

Edited by Michele Robbins

Cover design by David Miles

Book design by Lindsay Sandberg and Maggie Wickes

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition

To June and Leo Antosz:

I dont even know yet the depths of how much you will be missed.

Your example of love and family serves as the backbone of who I am.

Ding Hao!

Contents

Foreword

Very early in this beautifully rendered and often painfully sad story, Lorri decides to offer her newborn for adoption. While still in the hospital, immediately after giving birth, she writes:

I tried to keep Aimee in my room

as much as possible. I took photographs,

knowing well these would be the only

pictures of her I would have for a

long time, if not forever. I would lay on

my bed for hours, knees bent, with her on my legs,

staring into her perfect face and

talking to her about the life she would have.

I would watch her sleep, marveling

at her tiny nose and lovely eyelashes.

And I would tell her I loved her.

The older I get, the easier I cry; now Im already into the Kleenex. What follows on these pages is the flat-out naked true story of a twenty-something female who had it all: good job (ahem, she worked for me), handsome boyfriend, big city romantic evenings, loving parents, and ski-champion good looks.

Lorri was also a devout, never-miss-Sunday-Mass Catholic. She didnt consider acquiring protection from the consequence of a mortal sin she didnt intend to commit.

Kaboom! Shes pregnant.

Ho, humyouve heard this story before? No, no, no. You have not heard this story. The characters are all here: the kind woman at the adoption agency, the biological father who cant seem to commit to any option, and the parents who resolutely stand by Lorri and then retreat when first meeting their new granddaughterdefending against the pain of holding a child they know they will never hold again.

Also in the cast of this drama are Lorris coworkers at the Donahue program office who unanimously wanted her to keep the baby. One male staffer with a soft, Italian heart whispered to me on an elevator, Me and the Mrs.well take the baby. Only after reading this book did I realize that our well-intentioned pleadings were for the outcome we wanted, revealing an unintended disrespect for what Lorri wanted for herself and for her baby.

To Have and Not to Hold boosts us all high enough to peek over the wall that surrounded the author during this deep and very personal drama. We become witnesses to the moral courage of a cast of people who know what love means, most especially the mother who was the answer to Lorris prayersthe mother who adopted Lorris baby and fiercely loves the daughter who is like her own flesh.

Also peeking over that wall will be Lorris coworkers, including me. We will see how wrong we were in urging her not to surrender her baby. When we put this book down for the final time and discard the empty Kleenex box, Lorri will have shown us how unselfishly and courageously right she was.

And all the other readers will stare into space and know they have just been treated to a beautiful love story.

Phil Donahue

Chapter One

Life Changer

November 8, 1981

O www!

I woke up with a start, sitting straight up on the thin mattress of my pullout sofa bed.

What in the world was that? In a fog, I looked over at the LED digits on the alarm clock. One oclock a.m. I tried to remember what it was that woke me up and what day it was. As my head started to clear, another sharp pain took my breath away.

Okay, okay, this doesnt feel like a Braxton-Hicks , I told myself. The contractions Id felt and worried about in the past month were childs play compared to the powerful grip that was squeezing the life out of my abdomen now. Was this it?

It was November 8, 1981: six days past my due date. Yes, this was it. I reached toward my nightstand for my trusty stopwatch. Id taken it home from work every night for the past three weeks, just in case. That morning, Id used it to time a TV segment with the Bee Gees. Now I was using it to see if my baby was on its way.