Cheri Fuller - Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want with Your Adult Daughter

We all hope to feel our mothers arm around our shoulders when were worried, to feel it gently let go when life calms down. Its an intricate duet that moms and daughters danceone backing off when the other needs space, moving up close when the unfamiliar threatens.

C ATHIE K RYCZKA , WWW.TODAYSPARENT.COM

O ne late afternoon seven years ago, I took care of my daughters baby and toddler boys while she went to the doctor. I walked around the house, holding four-month-old Luke in my arms, patting his little back and singing to him to help his colic. Today hes a healthy seven-year-old, but those were stressful monthsand long nights of Ali being up with night-owl baby Luke. My daughters young family lived with us at the time, so I helped whenever I could.

Hungry, Nandy! Nuggets! Cheerios! twenty-month-old Noah implored. Holding Luke, I raced around the kitchen, popping chicken nuggets on a cookie sheet and into the oven, then handing him a cup of Cheerios to stave off his hunger. I turned on a Barney video to entertain Noah while the chicken nuggets baked and kept patting and rocking Luke. Needless to say, after two hours this grandma was pooped!

When Ali walked in, she took Luke from me and gave him a kiss. I offered her a glass of iced tea and a muffin, and we sat down in the family room. I was hoping we could talk since Luke had simmered down a bit.

Howd your doctors appointment go?

After her brief answer I said, You know, honey, I read this week that when a nursing mom consumes citrus fruits, dairy, and even caffeine, it can cause gas in the baby. Cutting those out might help Luke cry less. What do you think?

In seconds I knew Id said the wrong thing.

With Luke awake all night, how do you think I could get through the day without several cups of coffee? I cant cut out caffeine!

Then I started trying to explain that the article had suggested she could drink black or green tea instead. Mistake number two. That just made her madder.

You just dont understand, and youre so annoying, she said, grabbing her diaper bag. She took Noahs hand and headed for the door. Im going for a ride.

I was sorry to have irritated her, and I believed I was only trying to help by offering a little suggestion. No chat, no thank-yous for caring for the boys; just biting my head off and leaving.

I often had no idea what kind of mood my daughter would be inangry or euphoric, depressed or pleasant. Occasionally we had some great moments together, but those were becoming few and far between. Many times when we were around each other, I felt I couldnt do anything right. Whenever I opened my mouth, whatever I did, no matter how loving my intentionit would irritate her. Shed be exasperated and say, Oh Mom! or say nothing at all.

Her resentment hurt. I felt her disdain and judgment and didnt know where it was coming from or what Id done to deserve it. I could see she was trying to separate and be her own person, and I was trying to give her the space she needed. I was also aware of our differences, but they didnt explain her attitude toward me or the distance between us.

Time after time I was driven to God and prayernot as a last resort but because he told us to cast our cares, concerns, and worries on him (1 Peter 5:7)and I definitely had some concerns for my relationship with my daughter. I asked for strength and wisdom to know how to be a support to her in this transition time. I knew prayer was the greatest influence in my childrens livesespecially now that they were gone from homeand Id prayed countless prayers for her over the months and years. But nothing seemed to change in our relationship.

I just wanted my daughter back, the daughter Id carried for nine months and held until she crawled and then learned to walkthe much-anticipated only daughter whose birth was surrounded with so much joy it was like Christmas Day although it was November. I wanted the daughter back whod giggled as I pushed her in the swing at the park, smiled with her shining blue eyes in pictures, and loved for us to hop on our bikes and ride to Braums for an ice cream cone. And who, after winter school days, even in her preteen and early teenage years, asked me to stop for hot cocoa and talk. I just wanted us to get along like we used to.