Kate Monro - The First Time: True Tales of Virginity Lost and Found

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Previously published in the UK in 2011

by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre,

3941 North Road, London N7 9DP

email:

www.iconbooks.co.uk

This electronic edition published in the UK in 2011 by Icon Books Ltd

ISBN: 978-1-84831-282-1 (ePub format)

ISBN: 978-1-84831-283-8 (Adobe ebook format)

Printed edition (ISBN 978-184831-240-1)

sold in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia

by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House,

7477 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3DA

or their agents

Printed edition distributed in the UK, Europe, South Africa and Asia

by TBS Ltd, TBS Distribution Centre, Colchester Road,

Frating Green, Colchester CO7 7DW

Printed edition published in Australia in 2011 by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd,

PO Box 8500, 83 Alexander Street,

Crows Nest, NSW 2065

Text copyright 2011 Kate Monro

The author has asserted her moral rights.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Interview transcripts constitute the opinions of the interviewees, and do not reflect the opinion of the author or publisher.

Extract from Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela reproduced by kind permission of Little, Brown Book Group

Typeset by Marie Doherty

Contents

About the Author

Kate Monro s career has taken in spells with the rock band Blur, publishing mavericks Dazed & Confused , experiential marketing and PR agency Cunning, and most recently creative advertising agency RKCR Y&R.

www.virginityproject.typepad.com

Introduction

Writing this book has made for some interesting conversations. I cant tell you how many times I have perched, poised between two choices as someone has asked me what I do for a living at a party. Shall I opt for the more pedestrian answer, freelancing as a personal assistant in the creative advertising business? Or shall I tell them that in my spare time, I interview people about virginity loss? I think you can guess which one I go for.

Bam. In five seconds flat, I have bypassed the niceties and got straight down to brass tacks. You dont need to bother with small talk when you tell people that you investigate sexual experiences in your spare time. The conversation has just moved onto an entirely different level.

But I didnt plan this. Writing a book was never on my list of things to do, particularly not one about virginity loss. So how did it begin? What led me to a point where this sort of exchange was, and still is, a regular occurrence?

It all began on a beach. It was the end of the summer in 2005 and as we basked in the Californian sunshine, a dear friend and I had entertained each other by reminiscing about our misspent youth. We had known each other since we were teenagers but we had never had that conversation.

How did you lose yours? he asked, finally.

He didnt need to specify which yours he was referring to. I knew exactly what he meant. From the practical details: the venue, the background music and the choice of attire (somebodys garden, Spanish euro-pop and a sun-bleached pink T-shirt, since you ask) to the emotional nuts and bolts, we soon began to relive this unique experience and to talk about how it had changed our lives.

What had been our expectations for this much-anticipated moment? Compared to the reality? And what did we see now , sitting on this beach so many years later, that our tender teenage minds couldnt comprehend at the time? As our respective tales came to life, I was struck by the contrasting dramatic elements of these stories. They contained humour, sadness and joy. In fact, they contained all the ingredients for a top-quality drama.

They would make a brilliant book.

There it was. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was captivated by this idea. I had a perfectly good job in a marketing agency but I was looking for something different to do with my life. I wanted to flex my creative muscles and I wanted to do it in a unique way. This idea couldnt fit the bill any more if it tried. In the days that followed, I kept trying to push the whole concept aside but it kept coming back at me. My friend and I were not the only two people with tales to tell. This was the universal experience that almost all of us will encounter, no matter who we are or where we come from. There must be millions of stories out there that were every bit as good as the two that had just been recounted.

I decided to run the idea past my friends. This was probably the best litmus test I could have taken. Asking people to think back to their first sexual experiences garnered an immediate response. Peoples faces changed the instant I asked the question. Good, bad or indifferent, every single person that I spoke to had something to say. My mind was made up. I bought a Dictaphone, I started making phone calls and I got cracking.

Looking back, I am amazed that people agreed to take part, given that virginity loss has the potential to be one of the most vulnerable moments of your entire life, but that didnt seem to put people off. Once again, I appealed to my friends for help and a little like the loss of virginity itself, my first fumbling efforts didnt look promising. Jamie, my 24-year-old colleague, agreed to be a guinea pig and patiently put up with my attempts to break new journalistic ground as I quizzed him intently at my kitchen table one Saturday afternoon. But it was a start and at least I remembered to switch the tape recorder on (something I would not always remember to do in the future).

I followed this up with a trip to Yorkshire. This time, the subject was a very game and cherished 91-year-old family friend. To my utter astonishment, my mother had asked Edna if she would like to take part in this project and she said yes. Over the following eighteen months, I found myself travelling, literally and metaphorically, to all sorts of unexpected places, with all sorts of unexpected people. The subject matter seemed to capture peoples imagination. In the case of Edna, despite the fact that her generation were not given to such conversations, I sensed that she was seizing an opportunity, not just to give me the information that I wanted, but also to tell me a love story. She and her husband had been married for 50 years.

Slowly, as my interviewees referred me on to friends, family members, lovers and neighbours, a slow trickle became a steady stream. Without ever intending to, I morphed into a different person. A person who could walk into the home of a complete stranger, sit down with a cup of tea and proceed to quiz them on the finer details of their sex lives.

While it wasnt too hard to pin these people down, I came to see that they had different reasons for being there. Some of them did it just because I asked them to, but for others it was a rare opportunity to talk about their personal lives. How often do you get to do that in a non-judgmental environment? It is a well-known fact that much of the value of the therapeutic process lies in the sheer relief of having someone listen to you talk, with no interruptions. People grabbed the opportunity to sit with me for a moment, away from the maelstrom of their lives, and reflect on an experience that most had never shared with anyone before.

And boy, did they reflect.

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