E - Shmirshky: The Pursuit of Hormone Happiness

My BFF (Birthday Friend Forever), Marcia, whom I first heard use the words shmirshky and erlick , was an amazing woman. She was vivacious, chic, and endlessly loving. In 2002, Marcia was diagnosed with cancer at the age of seventy-two. Toward the end of her battle, she was home with amazing hospice care. It was her birthday. I wasnt sure what to do. Should I celebrate it or not mention it? I knew it would be the last birthday of her life.

We decided that it was the perfect time to celebrate. I will never forget that October day. When we arrived at Marcias condo, we were told not to go into her bedroom, but instead were directed to the living room. This was odd; usually we found ourselves flopped on her bed talking and reminiscing about happier times.

Today was different. Marcia was wheeled out with a huge smile on her face. We hadnt seen her out of bed in several months, so this was an amazing sight. We showered her with presents that she immediately wrapped herself up in, and just for a moment, she looked like she was ready to go to a party. Boy, did she love to party!

Marcia was very weak, but her eyes sparkled and her smile was big and beautiful. I still see her in my mind. With joy in her eyes, she left us one last monumental piece of wisdom: make every day your birthda y. Her message was so powerful; I felt it in my soul. Those of us in the room will never forget it.

With Marcias wisdom in mind, my friends and I will sometimes randomly send each other a birthday cake. When I receive one on a day thats not my birthday, I feel loved. Simply hearing Happy Birthday! makes me joyful and lighthearted, especially when Im going through a tough time.

Thank you, my dear sweet BFF. Your spirit and wisdom have helped me through many hard days and lonely nights.

Contents

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Got a vagina? Know someone who does? If you dont have one yourself, odds are you have a wife, girlfriend, mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, sister, daughter, friend, mentor, co-worker, or boss whos got one. Vaginas are everywhere!

Vagina, vagina, vagina. What a strange word! Its a word you only hear doctors and awkward sex-education instructors using. All the women I know call it something completely different. My BFF, Marcia, called the vagina shmirshky ( pronounced shmersh-key ) and the penis erlick (rhymes with her-lick ). I love these names! I use them not only to refer to specific parts of a persons anatomy but also the respective sexes that possess them. All women both have and are shmirshkies, and all men have and are erlicks.

I am a shmirshky, a shmirshky who has struggled with perimenopause and menopause. Im not crazy about these terms either. What a mouthful. Lets call perimenopause PM and menopause M. I like to call this entire time in our lives PM&M! That reminds me of something sweet and wonderfulway more fun.

Now you can have a serious and private discussion about menopause, vaginas, and penises and no one within earshot will have a clue what youre talking about. For all they know, you could be talking about a great restaurant or the friends you had drinks with the night before. I once threw a party with shmirshky erlick monogrammed on the cocktail napkins. Marcia and I laughed hysterically all night long as the other guests tried to figure out what this meant. Eventually, we told everyone and all laughed together. Welcome to the PM&M, shmirshky, and erlick secrets!

There are over six and a half billion people in the world, and about half of them are shmirshkies! By the end of 2008, around fifty million American shmirshkies reached M. Thats approximately 18 percent of the U.S. population. And by 2010, nearly two thirds of the adult female population in the United States reached age forty or older. Thats a lot of shmirshkies in PM&M.

Since Im not a doctor, researcher, or scientist, I dont have professional expertise to recommend or not recommend different remedies and procedures. I do, however, have a shmirshky and have experienced PM&M firsthand. I know how hard it can be.

I began writing this book because I was afraid to talk with people about my experience (and I really love to talk!). So the computer became my friend. Id sit down in the morning in my bathrobe, with a cup of coffee, and sometimes finish late at night with a martini. All the while, I was chatting away with my computer about PM&M.

shmirshky party alert!

When youre in PM&M, youve got to think inside the box! That means think about how you feel, listen to your body, and recognize your needs. When I think inside the box, Im prioritizing and trusting myself as a shmirshky. Sometimes the erlicks need to think inside the box as well (albeit in a different way than they usually do).

Once I started to think inside the box, I realized I had a whole lot to say, so Ive turned my writings, research, and conversations into this small book with a BIG story, so my daughter, my friends, the Sisterhood of Shmirshkies, and the erlicks in their lives can all have an easier time with PM&M. I know youre crazy busy, but you can read this while getting your hair done, in between meetings, on the potty, on a plane, at your desk, in a doctors waiting room, on your cell phone, or in between carpooling your kids.

To help make this little book nice and easy to read, I included some tickle-your-feet notes. They are kind of like footnotes, but way more fun. This way, you wont have to flip to the back of the book to get fun facts and definitions. For more detail and easy reference, there are a bunch of resources and citations in the back of the book along with a list of Shmirshky Fun Terms and Shmirshky Not-So-Fun Terms.

Okay, enough housekeeping, I think were ready to jump right in. Be sure to hold on to your shmirshkyyou erlicks are always holding yoursand lets get started!

When I was fourteen, all I wanted was to get my period. My girlfriends got theirs years before I did. They also had boobs. Apparently, I stepped out of the boob line for a minute and missed my allocation. I was probably in the cupcake or raw cookie dough line. (Thank God for the padded bra.)

I became obsessed with getting my period. After all, when you had your period, you were in, and more important, you got excused from taking a shower in PE. Standing in the shower with a soaking wet towel plastered over my flat chest while trying to camouflage my raging embarrassment was no day at the beach. The anticipation of taking that communal shower each day twisted my stomach into knots. I badly needed to be excused. So one day, I woke up and decided that it was time to take action. It was time to fake my period.

Every week, I walked confidently up to my PE teacher and announced that I needed to be excused. Unfortunately, I really didnt understand the menstrual cycle; all I knew was that I wanted a period and the boobs that came with it. Eventually, my teacher pulled me aside to tell me I could only be excused for one week every twenty-eight days. I had overused my excuses! I solved this problem by copying a friends period cycle. Whenever she got her period, I pretended to get mine. This worked great, but I still had period envy for almost two years.