Tina Gilbertson - Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them

Praise for Constructive Wallowing

Where cognitive therapy teaches you whats wrong with your thinking, Tina Gilbertsons Constructive Wallowing teaches you whats right with your feeling. Her style is light and breezy but her message is profound. Both wise and engaginglike a great therapistthis book can start you on the path of self-awareness and self-acceptance that is the essence of healing. And its good for therapists too. I found especially useful Tinas focus on recognizing the disparaging, dismissive inner critic that keeps us stuck in our painful feelings by preventing us from really feeling and learning from them.

Elio Frattaroli, M.D.,

author of Healing the Soul in the Age of the Brain

If youve already discovered that Trying to think positive only makes you feel worse, its time to embrace Constructive Wallowing instead. This wise and witty book shows why pushing bad feelings away never works, and offers a practical approach to the more liberating alternative of allowing yourself to feel them. Ignore those grinning gurus: Tina Gilbertson explains how anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear can be a doorway to a far more profound kind of happiness.

Oliver Burkeman,

author of The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Cant Stand Positive Thinking

Tina has written a wise and wonderful book. Her warmth and light touch make it a pleasure to read. Its even better than that, though; were you to actually follow her advice, you would be stepping through a process that therapists and research psychologists know increases self-compassion and behavioral flexibility. Tina skillfully dismantles the all-too-common protest that being kind to yourself somehow precludes being a caring and responsible human being. She goes on to present an accessible introduction to a set of practices that can lead to good stuff for you and for the people around you (well, assuming you agree that less rigidity and wasted energy equals good). This is a book I will share with clients. Ill recommend Constructive Wallowing to psychology students, too, as a book that presents important research findings in a palatable-to-laypersons way.

Roberta K. Deppe, M.A.

(counseling psychology), Ph.D. (social psychology), adjunct instructor at Lewis & Clark College

Weve all read about different ways to stay positive and grateful, but Tina Gilbertson turns conventional wisdom on its head by suggesting that maybe we dont need to be either of those things all the time. Her helpful approach comes at a time when we could all use a healthy dollop of compassion and humor, as well as a more effective strategy for coping with difficult feelings.

Jason Baker,

publisher of Natural Awakenings magazine

When Tina talks about feelings, you want to listen, because an Aha moment is usually sure to follow.

Lisa Voisin, author of The Watcher

Gilbertsons conversational tone, plain language, and step-by-step approach explain a deceptively simple concept. Recommended for a wide audience, including newbies to the self-help field and veterans of the genre.

Alison Campbell,

acquisitions librarian at North Vancouver District Public Library

Tina is a gifted therapist, and has a wonderful way of talking about emotions in a manner thats accessible to everyone. She offers a fresh viewpoint on how to be with our emotions in a helpful way, embracing and accepting ourselves as we are while learning to move forward. This is a great book for anyone wanting to grow out of old patterns and move forward in an emotionally intelligent way.

Janet Sandell, M.A., licensed professional counselor

If I find myself ruminating over a particular problem, I now recognize that as my cue to wallow. Tina Gilbertsons Constructive Wallowing gave me the permission I had unknowingly craved to truly feel my feelings, heal the wounds of both my past and present, and get on with fully living my life.

Jody Wynnyk, professional dating coach

Constructive Wallowing is a revelation. Learning how to distinguish emotions from thoughts, and for the first time really believing that my emotions DO matter (and that Im not a bad person for having them), has made my relationships with myself, my family, and my friends richer and more stable. Tina is a master at providing thorough explanations without overwhelming the reader with information. A must-read for anyone with a heart and a brain!

Isabel A. Spradlin, L.M.T.,

yoga instructor and massage therapist

Tina Gilbertson is the kind of therapist to whom you would confidently send your friends and relatives. She is smart, funny, compassionate, wise, self-aware, and doesnt take herself too seriously. And did I mention that all of those qualities come through in her writing?

Steve Berman,

adjunct professor at Lewis & Clark College

Copyright 2014 by Tina Gilbertson.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, or television reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by Viva Editions, an imprint of Cleis Press, Inc., 2246 Sixth Street, Berkeley, California 94710.

Cover design: Scott Idleman/Blink

Cover illustration: iStockphoto

Text design: Frank Wiedemann

First Edition.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

E-book ISBN: 978-1-936740-96-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gilbertson, Tina.

Constructive wallowing / by Tina Gilbertson.

pages cm

1. Emotions. 2. Self-help techniques. I. Title.

BF561.G55 2013

152.4--dc23

2013025746

CONTENTS

I like the phrase constructive wallowing because the pieces seem to contradict each other. Constructive is a good thing, but wallowing is bad. Right?

If this odd combination of words caught your attention, maybe its because you think wallowing in feelings, especially rotten ones, is just not a great use of your time. I can understand that; most people would rather spend their down time alphabetizing their cleaning supplies than stewing about office politics or crying over things they cant control.

But if youre not taking the time to pay attention to all your emotions, including the so-called negative ones, you could be seriously missing out. I mean on life. You could be passing up the good stuff: happiness, growth, and emotional freedom. You could be saying, No thanks! to more motivation, interest, and energy to pursue your dreams.

Emotions are energy. All of themnot just the good ones. Would you willingly shut off your own power source?

As a mental health counselor working with individual adults, I often hear people who are unhappy about something say, I dont want to wallow. They usually say the word as if theyre talking about licking the bottom of a wading pool in a doggie daycare facility. And while I understand perfectly that wallowing in yucky feelings is unpleasant, I still like to answer, Why not? Whats so bad about wallowing? (I can be like that, just to warn you.)

That conversation is often the beginning of a paradigm shift for the person in the clients chair. It changes their sense of the way things are, and opens up new possibilities for who they can become.

Its a shift Ive been through myself, and for me it opened doors I didnt even know were there. Once I was able to understand that all my emotions were acceptable, not just the happy ones, I was able to embrace all that I am as a person. This led to a much-desired career change for me. All my life Id known there was something special I wanted to do, if only I could figure out what it was. Learning how to deal with my feelings in a self-compassionate way helped me get in touch with my whole self, which included my purpose. It was only then that I could see the path under my feet.