Tina Gilbertson - Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship

Contents

Praise for Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

A helpful roadmap for estranged families.

Jane Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents

Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child is the go-to guide for parents who have found themselves in the painful situation of estrangement. The author covers many variations of and reasons for estrangement and provides both insight and practical solutions to reconnect and resolve it. The actionable advice and sample dialogues provide particular value to the parent who struggles with saying the right words to convey their thoughts and feelings. Gilbertsons process helps parents kick-start the healing process and move toward reconciliation.

Marni Feuerman, MSW, PsyD, psychotherapist, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships

Tina Gilbertson understands the tremendous importance of the parent-child relationship and offers very practical, clear strategies for parents who are estranged from their children. This is a valuable resource for readers who are struggling and want to become self-aware and reconcile with their kids.

Cindy Goodman Stulberg, psychologist and author of Feeling Better: Beat Depression and Improve Your Relationships with Interpersonal Psychotherapy

Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child is a warm, practical, and insightful book for parents whose adult children refuse contact with them. Tina Gilbertson helps parents with the very difficult task of finding the exact right word or phrase that can often make the difference between a door opening or remaining bolted shut. And she helps parents see what is going on in the heart and mind of the estranged child. Highly recommended.

Joshua Coleman, PhD, author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Dont Get Along

In her brilliant book, Tina Gilbertson goes beyond the kind of simplistic advice offered by many self-help books and gets to the heart of how estrangement happens, even with parents who are motivated by the best of intentions. She offers specific guidance for restoring meaningful connection to a relationship that has become painfully fractured.

Linda Bloom, coauthor of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married

Also by Tina Gilbertson

Constructive Wallowing

Copyright 2020 by Tina Gilbertson

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, or other without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Text design by Tona Pearce Myers

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

First printing, April 2020

ISBN 978-1-60868-658-2

Ebook ISBN 978-1-60868-659-9

Printed in Canada on 100% postconsumer-waste recycled paper

10987654321

To all the estranged parents who have written and spoken to me over the years, thank you for opening your hearts to me. You made this book possible. As always, I wish you healing and peace.

CONTENTS

R eaders whose childhoods involved severe or numerous adverse experiences may find parts of this book disturbing. Some of the discussion, particularly but not exclusively in , could trigger unwanted memories and thoughts, nightmares, or emotional distress. Please seek the support of a qualified mental health professional if you find yourself experiencing any of these symptoms while reading this book.

Disclaimers

The material in this book is intended for education. It is not meant to take the place of diagnosis and treatment by a qualified medical practitioner or therapist. No expressed or implied guarantee of the effects of the use of the recommendations can be given or liability taken.

None of the characters mentioned in this book are real people. Rather, they are composites drawn from many different stories of estrangement. All names are fictitious, and any resemblance to specific individuals is coincidental. In contrast, all quoted comments were submitted by real people who remain anonymous, even to the author.

When it comes to relationships and what it takes to repair them, one size doesnt fit all. Instead of offering a step-by-step blueprint for every parent to follow to success, this book provides a collection of ideas, factual information, expert opinion, and tools that readers may choose to employ in approaching their unique circumstances. In the context of your personal situation, some of the recommendations may not be appropriate. Please use your own judgment, or seek counsel, before implementing any advice you read in these pages.

D o you love your child or children? Do you want them to be happy? Have you done your best to parent them well?

If youre reading this book, I bet youll answer a definite yes to all three questions. From the time their children are born, most parents focus considerable energy on giving them everything they need to succeed in life. New mothers and fathers look forward to watching their kids grow up and find partners, and they picture themselves holding grandchildren in their arms. They bask in the anticipation of watching their descendants continue family traditions. These dreams of the future make all the sacrifices inherent in being a parent worthwhile.

But in many modern families, the parent-child relationship goes sour when the children become adults. A divide opens up between the apple and the tree that bore it. As the distance grows, Mom or Dads vision of a happy multigenerational family starts to fade. Many parents today feel the sting of this type of estrangement.

The word estrangement comes from the Latin word extraneare, meaning to treat as a stranger. Becoming a stranger to ones child is one of the most painful things that can happen to a parent. If youre reeling from the shock and pain of having an estranged adult child, this book is for you. Let me add a couple of caveats.

Things to Know Before We Go

First, if your child appears to be lost in any kind of addiction, its important to understand that addiction is a serious medical problem requiring intervention beyond the scope of this book. People with active addictions arent emotionally available to participate in relationships. No matter how well you implement the guidelines in this or any other book about relationships, you may not be able to get through to someone whose primary connection is to a substance or process.