Shalini Boland - Outside

The woman swung the huge armoured vehicle out through the iron gates and turned left onto the poor excuse for a dirt track that ran parallel to the Perimeter. She remembered when Britain was open and free with real roads, pavements even, before all the trouble started.

As she turned, the full glare of the dying evening sun blinded her and she flicked on the windscreen filter. She heard a muffled thud, looked to her left and saw a dark figure lying by the side of the fence. She didnt stop, but glanced in her wing mirror and made brief eye contact with him as he lifted his head.

A man, she breathed out. Shed been holding her breath for quite a time and sucked in another lungful of air. She felt a lip-biting pang of concern, realising she must have hit him. But everybody knew you didnt stop for anything outside the Perimeter. Im sure hell be okay. She reasoned, convinced and then banished her conscience.

Wont be long now, she said to herself, looking ahead at the vast tract of wilderness.

Pa is a black marketeer. Nobody and everybody knows this. Pa pays people not to rock the boat. He pays the guards, he pays the neighbours and he even pays his friends. He pays off just about everyone a litre of whisky here and a bag of sugar there, and in return we live a life of ease and comfort. Pa believes in the carrot approach just as much as the punishing stick. As long as he doesnt draw too much attention to himself from the wrong quarters, were safe and free.

Pa can get his hands on just about anything from before. If youve got a craving for a pot noodle he can probably magic one up from somewhere. But itll cost you all youve got and more besides. Pa isnt swayed by threats or tears. Hell hold fast and stare you down and if you cant pay you might get a bullet in your head, or worse.

This morning, my parents are standing together in the doorway of the sitting room. Behind me, the sun floods in through the windows and they edge closer to avoid squinting into the too-bright light.

Both their faces are ghost white and Mas nose and eyes look pink and swollen. She shivers and her teeth chatter as though shes chilled and it isnt the warm July morning it appears to be.

Riley, can you sit down? Pa asks.

Okay, I say. Theyre acting weird. Its freaking me out.

Riley Pa says, running his hands through his hair. He comes over and crouches down in front of me. He takes both my hands in his and looks into my eyes. His intense expression is making me uncomfortable. I want to look away.

What? What is it? I ask, not sure if I want to hear his reply.

Somethings happened.

What?

Riley, its your sister.

I shake my head. Where is she? Wheres Skye?

Shes Oh Im so sorry, baby, shes dead.

I look at Pa and then I look up at Ma. They stare at me, a look of horror on their faces. What are they talking about?

I feel my face contort. The sound that comes out of my throat is not a cry or a scream or even a sob. But a laugh. A strangled giggle. A short staccato burst of inappropriateness. I cover my mouth with my hands.

Riley! Did you hear what I said? Pa stands up, shocked and angry. I just told you your little sister is

I heard you, I whisper.

So why the hell are you laughing? His anger grows and his voice suddenly booms. What can possibly be funny about

I dont know, I dont know. I try to absorb what hes telling me. I dont know why I laughed. I dont know. Its true. I have no idea where that reaction came from. Why would I do something so awful? No wonder Pas mad.

I cant process the other thing. The thing Pa told me.

You dont know? He stands up. She doesnt know! he shouts to no one in particular.

Stop it! Ma says to him. Shes in shock.

Pa turns to look at her and then turns back to me. His face suddenly loses its hardness, like melting ice cream.

Of course. Shes in shock, he murmurs. Were all in shock. And then something really horrible happens. My powerful, strong, wonderful Pa starts crying. Proper messy crying where his face twists and his voice sounds broken. Im appalled. Pa never cries.

Pa

Im not a typical daddys girl. I love the bones of him, but I feel easiest around Ma. We always talk make-up, fashion, gossipy stuff and laugh a lot together. Skye belongs to Pa and Pa definitely belongs to Skye. Theyre a team. I never feel excluded exactly, but I dont have the same natural connection they do did.

I stare down at the patterns on the carpet. Ive never noticed just how vivid the individual colours are. The over-all effect is of a soft warmth, but I focus on a particular strand of red that seems almost luminous, as if its going to jump out of the weave and hit me in the face.

I wake up in my parents bed. A moment of peace and then everything rushes towards me in a crash of disbelief and pain Skye.

Ma lies next to me on top of the quilt, humming in a scary way while she strokes the hair off my face. I must have blacked out, fainted or something after they told me Skye was And I had laughed. How can that be? Is there something wrong with me?

Ma. I speak gently, as if talking to a young child, but she carries on humming. Ma! I pull away from her and wrench her hands from my hair. What happened to Skye? Where is she? She cant be

Sh, sh baby, she croons to me and kisses my forehead.

Ma, youre scaring me. Are you okay? I can hear the tremor in my voice.

Everything will be alright, she says in a strange new childish way. Just sleep and it will be okay.

I throw myself out of bed, run out of the bedroom and almost fall down the stairs to find my father. Hes standing in the lounge talking to some of the guards, including Roger Brennan, the Head of Perimeter Security.

Even though we dont really speak to any of them, we know all the guards by name. Theyve guarded the Talbot Woods Perimeter for the past sixteen- and-a-half years since the fences first went up, just before I was born.

This spring a new guard started Liam. This thrilled us as we rarely get to see new people. On his first day, his watch stopped and Skye and I sneaked him a new battery out of Pas supplies. Since then, weve been friends of a sort. Weve never properly chatted, but hes about nineteen or twenty and always has a wink and a flirty comment for us which makes us blush and think hes wonderful.

The only other people we see are those who live in the Perimeter and of course the delivery drivers, trades people and the army. Occasionally we get a glimpse through the wire fence at a rare passer by.

I wait downstairs in a blur of grief and anxiety until the guards finally excuse themselves and leave Pa sitting on the sofa. I desperately need to speak to him to make sense of what he told me. I stupidly start to hope theres some sort of reasonable explanation and Skye will come running in to ask us what were making such a fuss about.

Pa stands up and holds his arms out to me. I stumble into them and breathe in his comforting smell of diesel oil and cologne. We sit next to each other on the sofa, his arm around me. He kisses my hair and strokes my cheek with his fist.

You alright? he asks gruffly.

No, I reply.

No, he echoes.

What happened? I ask in a quiet voice. How can she be gone? Its Skye. Shes my sister. She cant not be here anymore.

I dont know. Luc found her this morning.

Luc?

My sister thinks thought seventeen-year-old Luc Donovan was the cats pyjamas. This summer especially, hes all she talked about. Lucs so good looking, Lucs so amazing. She adored him. I always pretend to be disinterested when hes around and Im sure he thinks Im a stuck up cow. Pas voice interrupts my thoughts.